on blind dates, sheep brains, and a war of attrition

well now that 24 hours of theater sports has come to a close I am slowly regaining my sanity and ready to once again post my thoughts for general consumption.

Sometime late last week I got an email from a girl I know who is an RA in Prentiss saying that one of her residents really wanted to go on a date with me. This was a pleasant surprise and her identity was kept secret until i met up with her on Friday night in Prentiss where she lives. She was a pleasant gal and we went in her car to baskin robbins to get some ice cream and chat it up. At baskin robbins the only table available is the kiddie table because a bunch of cool looking high schoolers were packed into the place. I had no problem with the kiddie table but she appeared to be a little more reserved. I told her I had worked with kids the last 3 summers and I had no problem lowering myself to their level and we sat down. Shortly thereafter I felt two hands cover my eyes from behind in that "guess who?" way. I clearly had no idea so i pryed them off and turned around to see some horror movie shit. A little 7ish year-old girl was grinning behind me and it was clear she was mentally retarded (actually) and she was filthy. My gut instinct was to punt her across the room because I am a horrible person and hate myself but I had just finished telling my date about how I work with children so I nixed that plan. We laughed off that really weird occurence and I cursed the gods because that kind of shit really only happens to me. A few minutes later the same fucking girl came back and dug her fingernails, which were filthy, into my eyes from behind so i stood up and gently moved her back to her mother who had her back turned. I tried to sit back down but I had dirt on my eyeballs so I started crying and getting really irritated eyes so I went to the bathroom to wash up. The rest of the date was really chill and the lady then came to like 8 hours of the t-sports show, mainly to hear me ranting about eating shit and other things like that so she is probably thanking her lucky stars I didn't cut her up into little pieces in a wheatfield or something. I thought that was that and maybe we'd hang out again UNTIL I checked my email this morning. There was a random email with no subject from someone who had the same last name as this girl so instead of deleting it as the spam I thought it was I opened it. I really wished I had saved the email so I could paste it in here but I didn't so I will do my best to summarize:

My name is patty parsons and my daughter goes to whitman. what is your connection with that school? I am going to come out there in may for a few days. I have a few friends (full names included) who live in a trailer park nearby. How is the snorkeling there?

WHAT THE FUCK!!! what the fuck piss shit, one day after i meet this girl for the first time her mom emails me the next day about travel plans and snorkeling in walla walla. I thought it was some joke so I emailed my date about the email and sure enough it was her real mom who had sent it, she had no idea how mama parsons had gotten my email but apparently another "aaron mandel" books travel trips or something. THAT STILL DOESN'T EXPLAIN THE SNORKELING! Why is my life so weird? so so weird.

I wouldn't mind having my brain implanted in a sheep. I think it would be pretty chill, instead of being a human of average intelligence and dashing good looks and boyish charm I would be the smartest fucking sheep on earth which would be pretty cool. Also, I could mess myself whenever I pleased and be naked and have sex in public without drawing social scorn.

I think we at the Monstrosity have always joked about living in our own filth, but now we really are, and have been for nearly A WEEK! Ever since our landlord installed a new washing machine the water pipes have been acting a little funny. And by a "little funny" I mean whenever a wash is run raw sewage containing our own shit and toilet paper seeps out of the downstairs bathroom near the kitchen onto the floor, leaving it smelling like....well...shit. We have all commented on how "gross" or "nasty" this is but none of us did anything except try to rent-a-dg to clean up the mess. I feel like situations like these really give me a chance to excel. Since I have a high threshold for nasty-ness I figured nothing would happen until someone got thoroughly grossed out enough to take action. The nice thing about living with 8 other people is that usually shit that you want to get done will take care of itself. But if you know everyone in the house is not going to help with something that you really want then you have to do it yourself. The first to crack will scrub up the shit but until then I'll go on pretending it's cool.