The bitter taste of defeat

It was too good to be true. My rag-tag IM softball team lost in the first round of the playoffs today when we were routed by the basketball players. Basketball players playing SOFTBALL you ask? Yes, I said that correctly. These magnificent specimens of Whitman athleticism have an IM softball team, and don't get my wrong, those sons-of-bitches are good. The problem with that little equation is that they aren't good at what they're supposed to be good at. The mens basketball team is borderline awful AT BASKETBALL, and the girls manage to maintain a level of mediocrity that keeps harsher criticism at bay. What better way to overcome your feeling of failure in your varsity sport than to go spank a bunch of "regular kids" at a game that they are playing for fun? Like when that guy from Nigeria challenged me to a 100-mile marathon, I knew he was just trying to kick my ass and bolster his ego, so I told him to go to hell. Then he came back with a bottle of tequila and challenged me again, so I agreed to a bet of $100. I thought he wanted to have a drinking competition, but halfway through the bottle he started laughing and bolted down the street. So this Nigerian guy wasn't only a better runner than me, but he was smarter and craftier than me. I hope he enjoyed his shallow victory, because while his muscles were spasming on the finish line 100 miles later I was laying in a puddle of urine curled up around a mailbox with an empty bottle of tequila. Who's the winner now???