I am the Bread Whisperer.

I have a special gift that no other man, woman, or beast can lay claim to. I have the ability to feel bread. I can feel its desires and speak with it, in the language of breads, and I can figure out what the bread wants for itself. All bread speaks in one language, the language of breads. It is a common misconseption that a bread speaks the language of the country its recipe originated in. That is your first clue that you are dealing with a fake bread whisperer. The nightingale's song is the same the world over, (except in countries where the nightingale has been hunted to extinction) as is the language of breads. A tortilla speaks as a ciabatta speaks as a matzah speaks. All breads share a common language, and I have learned that language.

Speaking with breads is not the full extent of what a bread whisperer does. One must understand breads in order to fully unlock the potential of the bread. Some breads are perfectly pleased being served before meals, as appetizers. Crackers and buttered rolls are numbered in this group. Appetizer breads tend to be on the unintelligent side of the bread species, but they are loyal and have an unflinching desire to whet the appetite of diners the world around. There are some nefarious breads that wish to not be eaten at all. These breads will mold on the shelf after only a few days. These breads are the bad seeds of all breads, one cannot pinpoint a particular breed of bread that wishes to not be eaten. If your bread molds on the shelf quickly, do not try to salvage the innards of the bread from mold, for your bread is a dark, suicidal bread that will bring you nightmares and unhealth.

Bread whispering appears easy, but so does bungee jumping. In reality, there is a subtlety to the art that few can master. I like to grab a piece of bread and listen to it, smell it, caress it, and visualize its birth in my mind. That particular slice being cut from the whole loaf, developing its own identity and consciousness. When I have understood the bread to this degree, I ask it, in the language of breads, what it would like to used for. Sometimes it is immediate; "peanut butterrrrr..." I will hear with glee, sometimes followed by "open facedddd..." and sometimes "with jelly and potato chipsss..." Each slice of bread has its own ideal use, so it is important to always find slices that share a common side, because usually these slices have a similar desire for their usage. It is bad mojo to take a slice from the front and back of a loaf, as the slices may have totally different ideas about what they want, one slice may want to be a pickle and saurkraut sandwich while the other slice wants to be a mayonnaise and bologna sandwich. This can lead to dark times for your well-being and intestinal tract.

If you would like my services as a bread whisper, they are not based on proximity to a particular bread. I have refined my abilites to the degree that I can commune with breads remotely; I don't need to see the bread to tell you what it desires. Simply call or email me and I can tell you what kind of sandwich to make, or what kind of salsa to put on your quesadilla. It is a smart choice, because as my grandpappy used to say: "Piss off the bread, you'll soon be dead."