Fun Raising Kids!

Matt and I have decided to write a book on child rearing. Terrifying, some of you may be thinking. You may be thinking "they don't know the first thing about rearing a child. They can't even parallel park." That maybe be all well and good, but I have several years of parental observation under my belt, and Matt has a big head about working in Residence Life for like ten years, so with our combined pseudo-qualifications we make a child-rearing monolith to rival Dr. Phil or Oprah. Now I am sure there are some of you out there who say "Dr. Phil doesn't know shit about raising kids, the sorry bastard is divorced." and to that I say that he is not a bastard, his parents were legally wed in the state of Utah. I am going to list some of the initial "Fun With Child Rearing: A Kafka-esque Approach" techniques here for you now, so that you can try them out on neighbor children or strays that you pick up in the park before the book comes out through Penguin in the Spring.

Awful Doppel
Instill in your child a crippling fear of their evil twin, the hideous Doppelganger! This method requires a good imagination on your part and plenty of careful planning. When the child is fair young but old enough to follow extended lines of thinking (can sit and listen to a story) you need to tell the child about the existence of Doppelgangers, and how they must constantly be on the lookout for their evil twin trying to take over their spot in the family. After you are satisfied that the child really believes in the Doppelganger, begin to do slight double takes when the kid walks into the room, and casually mention "but I just made you a sandwich five minutes ago." After a while, feign suspicion. Start to interrogate the child, like "Why are you asking me if you can go over to Billy's house, you were just AT Billy's house. I picked you up ten minutes ago!" After this outburst, assume a look of terror. "The Doppelganger!" The child will most likely cry, but the game is not over yet. Let a few days pass, then when the kid gets home from something rush up to them in a panic. "Ted, the Doppelganger. He's here! I knew you were at school, but he's in my room watching TV. Quick, hide in the closet while I call the police!" Rush the child into the closet, and then scream "Ted, I got him! I trapped the Doppelganger in the closet! I convinced him that he had me fooled, but I know who my REAL son is anyday. Want to get some pizza?" At this point the child will probably freak the fuck out, but just buy him some candy or something and he should get over it. He'll thank you when he's older.

Strange Child
This game requires none of the setup that Awful Doppel does, but it's payoff is roughly the same thing, so for those lazy-asses out there here is the shortcut. When your child returns home from school, refuse to let her into the house. Claim that you have never seen her before, and that you will call the police unless she leaves immediately. If you really want to get crazy, take down all the pictures of her around the house and then spend the day moving her furniture out of her room and replacing it with a desk and chair or something and proceed to show the child around the house proving that they "don't live there" and then casually push them back outside, wishing them well in finding their "real" house. Once again, the child will probably freak out, but at least she isn't dressing like a tramp.

My Heart Hurts
This is a game WITH your child, rather than at the expense of your child, which I'm sure some progressive (hippie) parents will appreciate. Teach your kid all the well-known symptoms of a heart attack and have them practice at home as a fun game. Then when in public, like the mall, have the child complain that their left arm hurts and then gets numb and they feel flushed and dizzy. Then have them say "I think my heart hurts" and collapse to the floor. Nothing like a six year-old having a heart attack to throw adults into a confused panic. Then go buy the kid a Cinnabon because he won't have a heart attack for at least fifty more years.

There are just a few of the great tips in our new book, so be sure to check it out on Amazon.com or at your local book retailer next Spring.