Yark Word

Remember that money I didn't have? Well I spent it. I flushed it all down the toilet. I put it in a time capsule and buried it the backyard. While I will be the first to preach about the many glories of the internet, there are dark aspects to it as well. Real-time bank account monitoring is one of them. There is nothing quite like spending a few nights out and then seeing how miraculously $200 disappeared from your e-pockets. What is it about this goddamn youth culture today that makes spending money so cool and fun? What makes two grown men huddle up next to a makeup-covered female and open up their wallets to her like she was the Blitzkrieg marching into Paris? Granted there are something things that are simply expenses that cannot be eliminated. My recent speargun purchase was out of a necessity for self-defense against sharks and their ilk. You cannot put a price on safety my friends.

Some people have gotten frustrated with my complaining about not having money by bringing up idiotic arguments that reference my lack of a job and unwillingness to work. That is simply bullcrap. Those who would hire me are too deceptive for my pure soul. They are snakes trying to get me to bite from the apple of cash-for-labor but I know better. Take for example someone who says they are willing to pay you to do "yard work." When a person like myself hears the words "yard work" you focus on the word "yard" which has its roots in the word "backyard" which has its roots in my childhood which had its roots in my sandbox which was in my backyard. So when I hear someone say "yard work" my brain is already processing a scenario in which I will construct a massive tunnel network out of sand by running hose water through the sandbox and then destroying the entire architectural masterpiece with a molded plastic Godzilla toy. When I hear the words "yard work" I imagine having fun in the backyard. Throwing water balloons and eating shammiches and stuff like that. Jumping off the roof with an umbrella and staring in horror when your friend from next door gets their head caught between the springs of the trampoline. You know, fun backyard stuff. Imagine my surprise when I show up to do "yard work" and what the person really wishes of me is to move a pile of sand with a wheelbarrow. That sounds more like regular work to me. So these deceptive souls who tricked me over to their house with the words "yard work" then get upset when I refuse to work and demand a bologna sandwich with the crust cut off. They get all pissed, like cutting the crust off is really that hard to do. If you want me to come over and play in your yard and eat snacks in your yard then I will do it. But don't try to trick me over by using trickery and then get all pissed because you can't make the easiest sandwich there is. Get a clue.