The Heat

Avast! The heat in Walla Walla has reached record highs, and it is showing no sign of stopping anywhere else on the planet. Let's not jump to conclusions and immediately proclaim Al Gore was correct, however. Just the other night some loon senator (I forget his name, but he was a real, live senator with real, live wrinkles and a real, live mistress) was on CNN trying to refute Al Gore's movie by bringing everyone's attention to the little-known Medieval Heat Wave of 900A.D. Apparently back in the dark ages they didn't have enough to deal with when it came to pestilence rats, barbarian raids, witch burnings, public excecutions, and all those weird medieval skin conditions where you get large goiters on your face, but it was also hot as hell. If 106 can kill old people with air conditioning and telephones, imagine what kind of havoc it would cause back in the dark ages.

Cows would start producing boiling milk! Bread would melt at the stands! Witches and non-witches would simply alight without warning, causing difficulty for those witch hunters who were themselves not already on fire from the intense heat of the sun. Castles needn't be sieged, as they would simply be evacuated since 115 degrees turns a stone and brick castle into a stone a brick KILN. Children would be running around with that goddamn Pied Piper, doing whatever the hell that peodphile wants!

I think what that senator was trying to say, but couldn't say, since he was on CNN, was "nut up pussies, at least it isn't the goddamn Dark Ages."