Another year of Darkness held at bay...

I'm not a regular gym attendee, though I enjoy my weekly games of racquetball and now that the cardio machines have televisions on them I like to watch my football while pedaling a sationary bike. I was a guest at my dad's swank workout center and I noticed a lot of wealthy older people sticking to their resolutions to lose weight or whatever. I think resolutions like "lose weight" or "save money" are unoriginal and as a result bound for failure.
For those of you who want to be a little more creative with your New Year's resolutions, I've compiled a brief list of more "refined" resolutions, for the philosophical man or woman.

1) Say "no" and don't give an explanation. People are so used to justification now that they react like you just slapped them in the face when you just give a simple "no." The next time someone invites you to do something you don't to do, just fucking say "no." Don't explain yourself, don't say maybe next time, don't say you're sorry, just let them chew on that big, fat "no" gristle for while. You'll walk away feeling powerful, they'll walk away thinking they need to start planning cooler stuff to invite you to.

2) Don't eat fast food. That shit is gross. I'm not saying don't eat burgers or burritos or sub sandwiches. I'm saying don't eat McDonalds or Chipotle or Subway. I'll be damned if you can't think of a local joint in your town that does the job better than any of those national chains. Support the Mexican dudes in El Cerrito that can make burritos like God blessed them with his own secret recipe. Buy pizza from the fashion-conscious hipsters that huck pizza by the slice until 2am. Who cares about getting fat? You're making your hometown cooler by keeping the good shit alive and kicking. Leave the chains for the people who buy their books at the same store they buy their toilet paper.

3) Stop a fight. Having a cool head never goes out of style. If you see two meatheads about to go at it in the street, don't grab a dog from a street vendor and start taking bets. Accept the fact that you might get punched for your good karma and go try to help the assholes not spend a night in jail. They may not appreciate it, but you're helping the evolution of humanity.

4) Hang out with some kids. Most kids are sweet to hang out with, and usually they require very little effort to entertain. I plopped a helmet on my 12 year-old cousin Jake and shot tennis balls out of a serving machine at him while he tried to dodge. He'll remember playing "American Gladiators" for the next 20 years.