Part II

An addition to my Lightness of the Week: Republicans are good at Politics

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/photo/postphotos/orb/style/2005-04-29/3.htm

Rummy is as American as, well, just take a look.

*sigh*

My Hero!

Beautiful Lightness of the Week

We've been so dismal as of late, I suggest a change of direction. Let us seek out the Beautiful Light, instead of the soul-drowning Darkness.

Follow this link my friends and see why The Republicans are simply better at doing Politics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYZre8kEsuw

Eminem's words ring in my ears: "I don't give a fuck, God sent me to piss the world off". I think that describes the GOP perfectly.

The Darkness Returns

Avid readers will remember I posted about Oprah's book pick The Secret. Between those pages, total darkness hung as a constant reminder that we are mortal (and that means we're very stupid).

In a perfectly timed and absolutely ironic move, Oprah has chosen a new book for her book club. There's a bit of news about her departure from a "normal" pick, but I know certain Monstronauts will feel personally violated.

Oprah's darkness (the bad kind) has now consumed his darkness (the good kind). It's only a matter of time before we see the media attention sprout such brandings as the Ford F150 LE "Cormac."

D of the W: Facebook Profile

I'd like to submit a Darkness of the Week. Facebook, a social networking internet site, allows members to create profiles to share things about themselves. Here are a few tidbits from the profile of an old friend of mine who shall remain nameless. She is a girl. Some of these things have been cut for space and appropriateness, but nothing has been fabricated. I'd like to note that I am not trying to make fun of any religious or ideological position; I'm just pointing out some dark shit.

Political Views:
Very Conservative

Religious Views:
100% CHRISTIAN AND PROUD OF IT!!

Activities:
KAPPA ALPHA THETA!!! :), Also Campus Crusade 4 Christ and Greekside Bible study!!

Interests:
My heavenly father Jesus Christ, JESSICA SIMPSON, watersports, sports in general, my THETA sistas and our 19 beautiful new baby kittens, working out (I'm a Dixon ADDICT, partyin' w my girls, being a proud member of the BOOZER FAMILY, Family night with my boozers, my dog, my Family, LAGUNA BEACH, 24, ONE TREE HILL, and PASSIONS!!

Favorite Music:
Rap and Country!!

Favorite Quotes:
Never regret something that once made you smile"
"If u can't stand behind our troops, get in front of them"
"Kelly, your climax is really wierd to me!"
"Republicans believe that every day is the 4th of July. Democrats believe that every day is April 15th." ~Ronald W. Reagan (ya, def one of the best Presidents ever, R.I.P
"Is this chicken, what I have, or is it fish?" ~The ever so beautiful JESSICA SIMPSON..She's my IDOL!
"For I know the plans I have for you," Declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"~ Jeremiah 29:11!

The Enemy is the Ear Infection

I was stricken with an ear-infection some years back. I couldn't sleep from the pain. I couldn't function from the pain-killers. I was trapped in a delirium between the sharp lucidity of discomfort and the euphoric haze brought on by codeine. And I couldn't sleep. Without sleep, the human body runs on madness. When your madness runs out, the human body thinks that everything is its enemy.

Monstro street crossings

In the golden age of the monstro, you know, when we lived there, there was a weekend morning ritual known as the street crossing. After hitting up some underclassmen for all their meals we would rumble over to Prentiss for the brunch and the first move of that was to cross our street, around a blind curve, very perilous. Someone would always make the first move, a quick dart into traffic and the rest would follow, an epic mob going against nature and survival instincts, but to accomplish the very means of survival in nature, sustenance. Anyways, this proved to be excellent training for Asia where the street crossings are utterly insane. However, here is evidence of the monstro once again storming the streets, this time in Chiang Mai, Thailand.

*harumph*

I'm getting old in my age. And grouchy. Read the first paragraph of this Rolling Stone article about some young band of guttersnipes and see what you think.

These young men are not comparing apples to oranges. They are comparing rotten apples to moldy oranges. They're certainly correct that there is a battle going on for the ears of young rock listeners; the problem is the combatants are all shit. This is allegorical to the Bush v. Kerry of 2004. Independant, marginal, different sounding bands are the third party candidates who don't stand a chance, but actually offer something worth hearing.

Listen to track 2 off of Black Mountain's new self-titled album. Now that's the rock music that kids should be listening to.

Movie Monkey

There is a guy who pushes the Play button for movies. It used to be that movies were on long reels of film which had to be switched, requiring manual dexterity. Now because of George Lucas and Steve Jobs, movies are different. Now, there is a guy who pushes the Play button. Some people criticize this guy, saying A Monkey Could Do Your Job. But this guy lives in town, and where are you going to find a monkey?

The desolation.

This is like a teaser for a movie. There is nothing made yet, but the idea is there and the money has already been collected. The Darkness, it turns out, isn't a finality. It's kind of like a larval stage in a bug's development. It's only part of the whole. I found a new place, called the Desolation. It is an emptying of the mind caused by terror or utter shock at the non-reality of the world around you. It's the brief mind-fuck of seeing the world completely differently than you have ever seen it before. I saw a clown walking down the street today with a flay that said the word "shoes" several hundred times tied around its neck like a cape. The clown did not have a painted face, it just had a clown mask with a twisted smile so that you could not see eyeballs, if indeed a human was under the mask at all. The clown was walking with a swagger, a confident swagger. The clown just strolled down the street and around the corner. I think a child cried. It turned my mind into porridge. It was utterly blank. No thoughts, no emotions, just an image that I could never have dreamed, or imagined, or likely even find again in the history of mankind.

More Monstro News Updates and a new feature

considering how I compulsively read the news I might as well make this a semi-regular feature on the blog, with the overlord's permission of course. Anyways, I like myself a good mix of "real" news and funny news. So here goes.

this is a stunning exchange in one of the house office buildings between some anti-war activists and one of congress's more liberal members, representative David Obey (D-WI) in what I think illuminates a lot of the frustrations and misunderstandings between the American left and what is increasingly becoming the american center [evidence of such]. The battle is between those in the more "berkeley" crowd of Rep. Barbara Lee who would rather see a complete withdrawl tomorrow, complete funding cut, etc. and the more, let's face it, rational human beings who are also "anti-war" at least as they would call it and would like to slowly bleed Bush of resources, while still providing for the troops, with which to fight the war. Anyways, I have a sick love for off-the-cuff, non-scripted remarks from pols, and this is a dandy.

Also, there's this, taken from a gaming webiste article by someone named Mike Smith, relating to the wide appeal of the new Nintendo Wii. I draw your attention to one paragraph in particular on page 2 of the article:

"The Wii has been a big hit in an Illinois retirement home, where the inmates are organizing Wii Bowlingtournaments and showing up their grandkids."

This is making me truly terrified about arriving back in the U.S. in a little under 48 hours from now. Who the fuck calls people who live in a retirement home "inmates"? Jesus, we are a fucked up society, I mean Asia has its fair share of problems to say the least but an overall feeling one gets here a very human(e) one, on many levels, but in this case to keep old people involved in families, even living in the same home as the two subsequent generations. People here find it reprehensible that we put our elders into homes, and that is an argument better tackled in another post (I think there are pros and cons) but the casual reference to them as "inmates" is a leading candidate for another new feature I'd like to call: Darkness of the Week (or whenever I decide to post something dark).

There are only two candidates this week. One is Mr. Mike Smith for referring to "inmates" of retirement homes and the other is something I found on a menu in Battambang, Cambodia. For 3000 riel (75 cents) at the White Rose Restaurant you could order something called "Insides Porridge."

Thank you.

edit: in a subsequent readthrough of that gaming article the main focus of this post should have been pants-pissing excitement over my need to buy a Wii ASAP due to the forthcoming re-release of games like Duck Hunt and, wait for it, cue a mix of ominous and light (flute) music, SMASH BROTHERS!

Eddie and Roger, Eddie and Roger

My compatriot in overthinking popular culture, Mr. Dan Baxter, recently posed to me a question: Who can induct Eddie Vedder, of Pearl Jam, into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame?

I would first like to discuss my feelings on the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame: It is an unfortunate by-product of exactly the kind of thing I'm into, which is rock history. This organization cannonizes certain acts while leaving others to be forgotten like Meddle. This is harmful to our understanding of rock history the same way that releasing Dark Side of the Moon right after Meddle was harmful to Pink Floyd. Meddle represented a dramatic breakthrough for the band experimentally, whereas the follow up, Dark Side, was their most hook-laden commercial effort. A movement becomes defined by a single work, rather than a progression of influences. REM was just inducted, representing an introspective movement in 80's rock which stood apart from the excesses of the arena. But what about The Replacements and The Smiths? They are eligible. And in another year will Dinosaur Jr. (arguably more influential, while less commercial, than REM) be nominated? I am concerned that more things will be forgotten than remembered because we are narrowing our focus.

But anyway, Eddie Vedder inducted REM into the hall of fame. This got Dan thinking of who will induct ol' Pearl Jam when their time comes. Who indeed... Who indeed!

The Who of course! Eddie Vedder is a well known obsessive over the music Pete Townsend composed and the lyrics Roger Daltry penned. Eddie once spent hours before a concert drinking red wine with Pete while going mad. He was found in his dressing room writing "I hope I die before I get old" in his own blood on the wall. Pearl Jam frequently covers Baba O'Reilly in concert. Furthermore, the bands are thematically linked, as they both represent a slightly harder version of their pop rock contemporaries. The Who rocked harder than The Beatles and The Stones and The Yardbirds and The Airplane (no one rocked harder than Zeppelin, however) while still maintaining a firm melodic center. Pearl Jam are their heirs.

Based on Keith Moon and John Entwhistle however, The Who do not have an especially good track record for longevity. Unlike say, Johnny Cash, who outlived his organs. I also suspect that bands are inducted not by elder statemen but by their younger peers. Which is why Kid Rock rather than Johnny Cash inducted Bob Seegar. Kid Rock, peer to Bob Seegar indeed. (As a side note here, I saw Kid Rock in concert my freshman year of high school and loved it.)

So, with all likelyhood, The Who will not be part of the induction of Pearl Jam. It'll probably be the drummer from The Killers or Justin Timberlake. But on that day in 2016, it oughta be The Who.

The Darkness

If you've ever wanted to get some hand-on experience with the Darkness, or understand why it has affected Drew so thoroughly, then look no further.

Me...I'll take a dose of Jumago's Religion to counteract any Darkness the Drewster throws at me. Careful of the mix though, as Dark Religion is nothing anyone can fight. Not even Pikachu.

Our New Litmus Test

There are days my head wants to explode.

Take for instance Monday, when Gen. Pace, the highest ranking U.S. military officer, had this to say about homosexuality:

I believe that homosexual acts between individuals are immoral, and that we should not condone immoral acts.

Remove yourself from the context of this statement. Despite how we might feel about homosexuality, or how we might feel about the legitimacy of the Iraq War--forgetting all of that, there is one obvious, glaring truth we can all accept here.

Who on fucking earth takes cues on morality from a general??

This is a lot like asking Britney Spears for stock tips, or Alan Greenspan about what pop culture assumes women want ("Hit me baby one more time"). If you will allow me to assume Gen. Pace is coming from a moderate to conservative Christian viewpoint, how on earth could anyone take him at his word on "morality?" Jesus didn't leave a clause anywhere about legitimate or illegitimate wars.

I'm pretty sure he just lumped them all together and called them, "not moral." I could be wrong--the Bible is highly interpretable--except for, of course, the parts on lying with another man.

an idea for a TV show

there would be a few main characters, all with character flaws as the predominant traits and the show would center on stuff that happened to the main characters' friends and family, so you wouldn't even really get to know them. It wouldn't be that interesting or make much sense but who the fuck are we to attempt things.

Hail to the Chief

If the person who published this was a genius--then Drew is a messiah. His piercing analysis is so obvious that after you read it, the meaning appears on the surface. How could we have been so stupid to have missed it? But we needed him to point it out to us.

This is exactly the type of irony that you'd expect from a pyramid scheme. The answers to life's questions are immediately available. Are you fat? Exercise 15 minutes a day and stop eating burgers for lunch. Are you poor? Get a job (grouch). We don't want to listen to this good sense, and so there's an enormous market for easy answers.

It doesn't even matter what the answer is. As this book proves, the answer can insult you for looking for the answer IN THE BOOK. The people who are reading this book, which I ignored while concentrating on who this book targeted, are not successful. Someone without debt knows you can't make debt disappear with mind bullets. Someone who tricked themselves into believing they never had to pay a credit card down might be stupid enough to believe mind bullets are available through their closest Amway rep.

It's unconscionable.

Terror. Absolute and utter Terror.

I just read Dan's posted article about Oprah's support of "The Secret." Just having been recently released from a Ho Chi Minh City mental institution without any explaination other than "peer approval of release documentation" I find myself at an odd crossroads with my deep realtionship with the Darkness. It has, as was obvious in my Cowards! post, permeated my being. While some, Mr. Mandel and Mr. Jumago included, thought that this permeation was an infestation; it was in fact a transformation. The Darkness did not taint me like my friends hypothesized. The Darkness instead acted as a catalyst for change in my mind so that it has become a tool for me rather than a muddling view of reality as a whole. I can command the Darkness. The Darkness whispers to me and shares my thoughts. While I know that the Darkness residing permanently in my subconscious is perhaps a deadlier cobra than the one out in the open that hailed my initial immersion into the depths, I find the tools the Darkness grants me useful, and I will wield them with patientice and clarity.

"The Secret" seems to me one of the most terrifying manifestations of the inability of the common man to lead himself to any sort of prosperity. While I would like to agree with Dan, and the author of the critical article, that "The Secret" is a crock of crap that deserves to be used as kindling for a Boy Scout fire, it has a troubling Message (capital M) that exists outside of the idiotic and mislead message of the book, and if the author of the book percieved this Message then they should be granted an award as the most briliant human of all time. The (m)essage within the book is obviously full of holes. Poor people are to blame for their poverty? This message has no legs, and obviously nobody of intellect would make this point. But, on the contrary, what if someone were to write an entire book making this obviously flawed argument and then proceed to get it sold to two-million people who desperately sought instructions on how how become wealthy, enough so that they purchased an idiotic book to accomplish this goal?What better way to hammer the point home when someone says "Your book is bullshit. Poor people are not to blame for their poverty." than to respond by saying "then why did 2 million poor people spend $29.99 on my fucking bullshit book?" The capital M message of the book is that even though the book itself makes a flawed and weak argument, the fact that book sold SO FUCKING WELL proves that that lowercase m messages are true! The proof is in the pudding, but critics of the book are looking for the pudding in the book and not on another shelf in the store, where the pudding is fucking on sale for 3 for $1, and you have to buy it at that price because 2 million other people bought that damn pudding and that is a good price. Undeniably, a good good price.

On Mandel's Coattails

I thought I'd post a few funny things I read recently too, but I must give credit where credit is due--and I'm only posting this here because Mr. Mandel already broke the ice. It's also an apology for moving his post down so quickly. I'm riding his coattails, as it were...well, as it actually were**, since Mr. Mandel hates to dress up, imagine me riding his poop-twined butt hairs. Mush!

When Stock Photography Bites You in The Ass

Whoever put this together is obviously not a tech guru. Neither was his/her copy editor.

Oprah's Ugly Secret

This is a long read, but the first page will give you the gist. Oprah is supporting a book co-written by the head of a pyramid scheme. The "science"--hell, the philosophy--in this book is patently ridiculous, and if you ignore that twinge of concern for your fellow human, this story is downright hilarious. The article also gets "Word of the Day" for meretricious, barely beating out Mammon.

**Should be "actually is" since we're now dealing with reality, which is never a case for the subjunctive.

Oh glorious news!

late night comedy programs are better at picking through the news humorously than me, but I cast a wide net, and find the fun shit.

let's start http://edition.cnn.com/2007/US/03/05/moose.v.helo.ap/index.html with this:

the thing about this article, beyond the bizarre nature of the material is the way the writer covers it. The first sentence makes no sense really at all considering all the shit that went down. The fourth paragraph is the best because the ranger lumps goats into moose, wolves, and bears, presumably talking about experience with dangerous creatures. I watched a goat poop today in rural vietnam, I was not scared, quote me AP bitch! Fifth paragraph feels the need to post lots of obscure numbers and credit what is probably the least intricate claim to an "essay" written by one of those in the 'copter. I have written many "essays" whilst in school, if CNN ever quoted one of those, we'd all be in trouble. The quote in the final paragraph starts by describing what was going on and then tries to seemlessly shift into animal psychology, what!

now onto this: http://us.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/03/05/cheney.health/index.html simply put, how the fuck is this guy still alive? or even is he?

and finally this http://edition.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/Music/03/05/people.west.ap/index.html is absolutely ridiculous.

A Second Opinion

Drew is utterly and incurably insane and it is for this reason that I recommend his immediate discharge from the darkness.

When the darkness was originally hypothesized by myself and Dr. Mandel, it was less a tangible place than a metaphysical state of thematic incorporation. Due to Drew's outlook and due to, in no small part, hundreds of hours of Smash Bros, the Darkness has become capitalized. Its meaning has extended to noun and adjective, both with a capital D. This turn of events is, in itself, Dark.

After excessive erotic massage sessions with a Thai named Curly Shui and too much unprofessional whisky, Drew has become a permanent inhabitant of the Darkness. Our commitment of Drew to this mental health facillity was intended to treat him, but instead it is only allowing his state to fester. He has vespers of the heart and gout of the soul.

Effective immediately, Drew is free to leave. God help him wherever he goes.

From the therapist

He is a good man, or at least once was. Outstanding in (s)wordplay, ideological volleys and follies, and falconeering. He excels in all matters of the body and mind, except one, and it is for this one that things have reached an impassable and troubling stalemate.

There is always poop present in his pants.

I have breached this tender subject many a time with him, even informing him that were he to rectify his rectum this problem would quickly be flushed away. But when the matter is discussed he flies into a rage, yelling, screaming, kicking, and excacerbating the already existing problem. In all my years of clinical work, it is a most unusual case, especially since he is so good at falconeering.

I will not grant him his release from "Poop Chi Minh City" as he denounces it, unless he himself will denounce his trousers of the fecal matter.

A most sad case indeed.

From the Asylum

It turns out that being placed into psychological care in Ho Chi Minh City is not as bad as one would think. The view is nice, my sliver of light from the crack in the ceiling provides countless hours of intelligent debate with the rabbit that lives in the clouds. He is a staunch supporter of the Whig party, but I think they are a bunch of puff-haired goose-pipers who don't know a carriage from a corset and so we have a fine tiff about that when the time is proper for talks amongst gentlemen after the ladies have taken their nooday rests. I also debate endlessly with my doorman, or door "guard" as some may prefer to title the chap, about the proper title of the capital of Vietnam. I make a pure aesthetic argument that the old name Saigon simply sounds better than Ho Chi Minh City, but the doorman can't get my point of view, and so we always end in stalemate. The other day when the debate came up I suggested that they might as well call it Poop Chi Minh City, and he beat me soundly with his rifle butt. A rather aggressive debate tactic but one that I will take back with me to the polo club the next time Jonesy decides to bring up real estate!

My therapist thinks I will be out anytime soon.

Light in the darkness

It is my duty as a patriotic monstro-blogger, just as it is the duty of any patriotic American, to question authority when you feel authority has done you wrong. That being said, Monstroblog founder Drew has indeed gone deep end dark with his myriad posts regarding death and the human condition. So, in an effort to keep a Newtonian balance of energy present in the world, I have done two things. The first was to check Drew into a mental ward in Saigon, Vietnam where he has currently been smoking laced pipe tobacco with startling frequency. I had to undertake this measure against his will so in effect, this is a Thai-style coup d'etat, but for the people. While Drew rants and raves at the injustices in the friendly (and padded) home I placed him into, I will briefly return the blog to a harmony of happiness and light.

1. There is no real darkness. Darkness was invented by Matt Jumago to lend credence to his video game strategies. Drew adopted this moniker. Matt Jumago is truly at fault for the macabre turn of things.

2. Matt Jumago is currently out of reach of the Saigon psychiatric authorities.

3. Fuck.

4. The head is still on the de-tailed beast.

5. Flowers are some of my favorite things, they grow in so many pretty, beautiful colors for no purpose most of the time other than (like Swedish women) to reproduce and put even more beauty into the world for all of us to enjoy.

6. That is fucking beautiful.

Ok, I'm gonna be real real real quick and say that I just zoned out and read some news articles for awhile and lost track of the general direction of this post but I can tell you that Daisuke Matsusacka is poised for big things.