What constitutes news?

Tonight during Sunday Night Football there was a local news spot that went something like this:

- "Local farmer "Uncle" Ben Turkington awoke Sunday morning to see three of his steers injured. He blames local pit bulls, but the Sheriff's department have no witnesses, and no proof that it was the pit bulls."

Thanks, KNDV news. I was really worried about Uncle Ben's steers. I mean, his steers do a lot for the community. They sit there, being steers, and hopefully someday they will produce sausage and beef. The pit bulls, on the other hand, do nothing but run amok around town kidnapping children and stealing the television sets of elderly. There are rumors that the pit bulls are also racists, because it is rumored that they are specifically targeting the elderly. The pit bulls accuse the elderly race of abusing social services and leeching millions of dollars out of the health care system. The pit bulls have not made any official statements, but their leaders did release a short, poorly-focused film of what experts say is the leader of the pit bull gang, Sparks. Sparks is known throughout several local neighborhoods for, quote "shitting in yards." Prior to this incident the pit bulls transmitted a message of non-violent social change, but tensions have been high between the bulls and the steers, with tensions hitting their peak when the pit bulls made several negative statements regarding the steers noticeable lack of reproductive organs.