Open Letter to the U.S. Government

Dear U.S. Government (those in charge of jets);

I solemnly swear that if you give me a fighter jet I promise to uphold all the rights of America by kicking major ass using said fighter jet. I would prefer something like an A-10 Warthog so that I don't get shot down easily (I hear they have armor) but really anything will do. I don't want to go looking a gift horse in the mouth. But if said "gift horse" happens to threaten the homeland, I will blow the entire horse farm to the moon, and if those surviving horses happen to start a moon colony that gets all righteous about the U.S. NOT owning space (which is bullshit, we own space) then I will retrofit my newly betrothed A-10 and I will make it fly into outer space and I will bomb the surviving horse farm colony all the way to Mars, and the whole ordeal will start over again because everyone knows we also own Mars.
Reading back through the opening of this letter, I do believe I just threatened you (U.S. Government; those in charge of jets) that if you yourself threaten the homeland then I will blow you to the moon and subsequently Mars. Since you are the gift horse, right? Did you even pick up on that? Probably not. You're probably just an intern and you don't even know where the jets are. You probably don't even know what an A-10 is (do I know what an A-10 is?) You probably have a better idea of how to get me a McGonnagal's flying broom than a fighter jet. Did you graduate from Georgetown? You'd better hope so, because if you graduated from William and Mary you had better hope to God I don't get that A-10, because if that school steps out of line it will be the first gift horse to get looked in the mouth with a missile.
I am digressing from my initial point which is that I want a jet and I want you to give it to me. I promise to act whenever prompted (at my own convenience) to uphold my own personal whims with said jet. If those whims happen to be homeland defense, so be it, but I will also take money bribes to fly over high school football and lacrosse games. For a nominally larger fee, I will also blow the lid off of any gymnasium and do a fly-over of volleyball games and pep rallies. I will also blow the lid off any government cover-ups free of charge, but that will be both a metaphorical "lid-blown-off" as well as finding the base of the cover up and blowing off its lid, so that all the plotters inside will run around like scared ants and I will be flying overhead in my government-issue jet screaming politely: "Run you little ants, run you little scheming ants!" Sometimes I might do that to Congress, but I am not a terrorist, because you gave me the jet. Don't ever forget that...you created me!

Thanks for the jet,
Drew