Ask a Scientologist

Dear Scientologist, I am having trouble moving objects with my mind. What do you suggest?
-Telekenesis Trouble in Tigard

Dear whiny bitch, Maybe if your weak ass could level up we wouldn't be listening to your whining-ass shit. Realize bitch, you are not gonna be moving shit 'till level seven.

Dear Scientologist, My friends make fun of me because I am beginning study in Scientology. How should I respond to their criticism?
-Unsure in Ukraine

Dear cowardly poser, I can't believe this shit. You gotta stand up for what you believe in. If you can't accept that fuckin' Xenu shattered the cosmos, then maybe Scientology isn't right for you. Blow me. Next question.

Dear Scientologist, Sometimes it hurts when I urinate.
-Pissed off in Pitsburg

Dear too much information, Do you not know shit about fuck? Purify the body, fool. Extra vitamins until you shit. I'm starting to tweek man, I need to plug into a fuckin' e-meter.

Dear Scientologist, Doesn't your religion seem terrible? I mean, it's all based on getting money out of people. You're all a bunch of fakes. What's this bullshit about how you guys can manipulate matter, energy, space, and time? Jesus, what kind of Harry Potter shit is this? At level seven you can be a telepath? Prove it. I want Tom Cruise to telepathy me.

Dear rude son of a bitch, You're correct that Tom Cruise can send telepathic messages, however it would be impossible for your untrained and vapid mind to understand them.

Wait a minute, you squirrly bastard. So you're saying that Scientology is like being the first person to buy a video-phone? It's a cool gadget, but you can, like, only talk to one guy in China?

Scientology was started in the fifties. Harry Potter is actually based on it.