Ok, so last week I filled you all in on the 4th Dimension and how it works. Last week was all fact. Entirely, completely, uncomprimisingly factual. Shazam! Some people recoil from my massive facts because they are not in any science book. I would like to reference A.H. Maslow, who once said "Science is a technique whereby even unintelligent people can be useful in the advance of knowledge." How do like that? You don't, do you? Because you believe in science! But somebody smarter and deader than you just said it was no good. How do you like that? It is time for me to move beyond fact and science and enter the realm of hypothetical. This realm demands an extensive knowledge of astronomy, physics, theoretical shit, and other things of that nature which I do not posses. I will make up for it with ignorant confidence and snappy rhetoric. Let us begin with the universe.
Anyone who knows anything about the universe knows that it is fucked up. There are all kinds of confusing things happening out there RIGHT NOW! One of them is that the universe has a weight. Yeah, for real. Science can weigh the universe. And it's fucking heavy. But the problem is, the stuff we can observe only makes up for, like, a tiny percentage of the weight. Like, 3 %. So, that would be like having E. Honda from Street Fighter II on the scale, but you see Chung Lee. It would be like having a aircraft carrier on your highway weight-station, but you can only see Goose's broken body. This is a problem.
Scientists have explained this problem with an act of fantasy they call "Dark Matter". Dark Matter is this shit that we can't observe, but has mass. Duh. Apparently, this Dark Matter that we can't observe only makes up another 30% of the universe's weight. Damn. So scientists came up with another fantasy. Dark Energy. This shit makes up the last two thirds of the universe's weight. Ok, is this the best we can come up with? This is voodoo witch-doctor science. This is L. Ron Hubbard science. Why come up with these fancy names like Dark Matter and Dark Energy? Why not a more elegant title, something shorter. Like "God".
Ah, but I kid. God isn't behind all this extra weight in the universe (she's on a diet). The real explanation is, of course, the 4th Dimension. Remember last week when I talked about all those 4th Dimensional beings that travel in and out of our dimension, screwing around with us? Well, these fuckers have mass. Gravity is a tricky little son of a bitch, which sometimes acts like a wave, sometimes like a particle, and sometime at the family reunion, it acts the fool. You see kids, every mass has some gravitational effect on every other mass around it. This is called Newton's Principal of Mneh-Shmeh Gravitity. So you see, all that shit in the 4th Dimension is having a gravitational effect on us here in the 3rd Dimension. Through wormholes and stuff. I haven't really figured this part out yet, but it's pretty accurate.
Let's review up to this point. The 4th Dimension is a spacial dimension we can't see or interact with. Sometimes 4th Dimensional beings sneak through into our dimensions. The 4th Dimension is really heavy because there's A LOT of stuff in it. You know why? Because the 4th Dimension is the afterlife. There, I said it. Nobody has ever suggested this idea until now. Heaven? Hell? No, neither, just the 4th Dimension. But you might as well call it Hell. Using the Scientific Method, we can make observations and stuff, and then draw conclusions. What kind of things come through the 4th Dimension? Ghosts. Werewolves. Vampires. Ted Kennedy (you'll notice he never moves- he just apparates around from place to place). This is Hell, damn it!
Everything that dies anywhere in the entire universe goes to the 4th Dimension. Aliens, monsters, weirdos. The 4th Dimension is packed with them. Sometimes they lurk back into our plane for a bit, but they can't escape. Right now you're probably uncomfortable because you just shat yourself. Deal with it. The 4th Dimension is Hell. Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He's the devil.
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ReplyDeleteThis is a lot like how old video games worked. If you killed a 'character', it had to go somewhere if the programmers were going to disintegrate the body--so most games had a remote 'room' where dead characters would go. That way you could no longer talk to that party member who was smooshed by that nasty troll. As soon as you had Lord British resurrect him, the scripted character would replace the dead polygons and he was ready for interaction again.
ReplyDeleteFor some games, if you had a hex editor (read: a hyper space-time travel machine), you could visit this 'room of the dead'. But you couldn't interact with them, of course--eerily like Aeneas' or Odysseus' visit to the underworld when all the ghosts flit around, oblivious to the living visitors.
my world has been rocked.
ReplyDelete- sarah