Don't own a home.

I am helping relatives move from Phoenix to Idaho. I think it is ironic that Matt is blogging about garage sales, because these people desperately need to have one. Moving their boxes and miscellaneous household items has been a history lesson in infomertial and home-shopping crazes from the past twenty years. There were Dr. Phil self-help tapes, Ab-Rollers, and anything else that was invented to not work for anything except to rip people off. My aunt and uncle have purchased it all. The worst part is that they want to keep it all. I hauled things out of their garage that are not identifiable. It was like digging an artifact from an ancient culture out of the earth. Some of these things have absolutely no discernable function whatsoever. Plastic tubes connected with hardened rubber cords with a non-descriptive name like "UltraMax 2000" screen-printed onto what looks like a seat of somekind, though one is sure if they sat upon this so called "UltraMax" it would snap shut like a beartrap, claiming any captured limbs as its bounty. Objects that at one point in history probably fetched hundreds, if not thousands, of hard-earned dollars, and these things are now lying twisted and mangled in dark garage corners like the corpses of families covered with molten ash when the volcano erupted upon their village.
Things only got worse when their children began to pack. These kids were dumping things into boxes without any regard for organization or packing effciency. Socks in a box with hockey skates and loose change. Water guns with bicycle helmets and pet hamsters. You would have thought I had just punched one of them in the face when I inquired about possibly donating a toy rather than packing it into the box. Toys, upon further questioning, the READILY ADMITTED to not playing with for at least a year, and several toys that they could not even confidently identify as to its entertainment function. Many of these "toys" were half-toy carcasses that should just be gathered onto a space shuttle and shot into the Sun, so useless are they to mankind.

My children will be given Legos and only Legos. You want a toy car? Build it your goddamn self.