We've Traded a Camel for a Mermaid

The modern cigarette is a cup of coffee. You spend $5 a day on your habit, everyone does it, and there's a certain type of brand awareness. One legalized mood altering drug has been traded for another--except, the symptoms of drinking coffee sound more like the symptoms of stopping cold turkey with cigarettes: anxiety, irritability, jitters. The similarity between coffee and cigarettes continue. They both taste like excised monkey butt. Women like something that's less severe, and I started drinking coffee without cream to prove I wasn't a wuss. Likewise, women used to have long filters on their cigarettes, and men smoked without. Sure, you don't rust your lungs, but coffee is no elixir of life itself. Coffee and cigarettes both cause hypertension and yellowed teeth. You get several of the negatives and none of the positives. Unless drinking outside a Starbucks with your laptop has increased your popularity...and I'm guessing it hasn't.

Then there's water.

Ever notice how people who carry water bottles around everywhere drink while you're talking. It's one of the most annoying social crutches I know of. Does he really feel that awkward listening to me that he has to put something in his mouth to shut his ass up? Whatever works dude.