All-Nighters: Desperation and Neuroshits

It is late Thursday morning. I have been awake since Wednesday late morning. In college-speak, this means I've "pulled an all-nighter". In my speak, this means I'm irritable, sore, and delrious. Why would I do this to myself? Why would motivate a somewhat sane, ordinarily rational man to do this? It is the flaming hoop of Academe, my friends, which I have just barely lept through. Let me be your Virgil, fair Dante of Dreams, and guide you into the Inferno of the All-Nighter.

The Excitement: The first part of an all-nighter is marked by a kind of self-righteous excitment. It's maybe ten or eleven o'clock, the time when you're always up, but you've made the descision that tonight, tonight you're gonna pull the all-nighter. You've got some snacks laid out, all your notes and books assembled, and a blank word document in front of you, just waiting for you to defecate something rich on it. The excitement lasts until ou begin feeling the first pangs of...

The Tiredness: The next part of the all-nighter is marked by a noticeable sensation that you should, nay, you are compelled to stop working and go to sleep. This normally comes a good hour after your normal bedtime. The tiredness has nipped many an all-nighter in the bud and must be overcome by focusing on the excitement. The next several stages can all come very quickly and their order will be determined by your company.

The Crazy: All of a sudden, something that has no reason to be funny is hilarious as shit. And things that you're trying to joke about... well they take on a whole new meaning. You laugh and laugh and then can't remember what exactly got you laughing so hard, but dammit you feel crazy. The crazy is not a good place to give up- once you've reached the crazy, you need to power through to another stage, because trying to fall asleep in the grip of crazy is like trying to solve God's math problems.

The Hunger: Staying up late requires energy, and those paltry snacks you prepared are weak. The body demands nutrition, and sleep deprived as you are, you're reduced to the non-sensical cravings of a pregnant woman. "Pistashio gelato", you suddenly say out loud. Or perhaps it's an entire coconut pie that has caught your poor mind. From the attainable like Jack in the Box, to the impossible like an Elephant foot sandwhich, the hunger moves in and shakes you to your core.

The Desperation: This stage sets in around when you realize that, at the current rate your writing pages, the assignment will never be complete by morning. The desperation takes hold of your remaining sanity and compels you to run outside and scream, perhaps climb a tree, or worse of all regress into a Freudian child-state and whimper uncontrollably. With any luck, whatever action the desperation inclines you toward will snap you back into reality enough to churn another page or two out. That is unless you've already hit...

The Fear: The Fear is a special experience of the all-nighter (and of much of life), signified by the capital use of the letter "F". The Fear is an irrational monster who gnaws at your spine with fangs dulled from gnawing. "You'll never get this done on time", the Fear whispers. "And you know what that means", the Fear continues. "It means you're no good" the Fear concludes. The Fear is what makes you want to put your head through a window. A very effective distraction from the Fear may be brewing in your own bowels however, in the form of...

The Neuroshit: This idea originated with several other Monstronauts who experienced very anxious movements during their senior thesis all-nighters. The basic premise is that during times of extreme duress, the young adult body produces a build-up of not only feces, but also neurosis, which can both be evacuated simultaneously. The evacuation process is intense. A good neuroshit makes you feel like you're a new man or woman, with infinite possibilities laid out before you. A bad neuroshit feels like when you bend to pick up a twenty on the sidewalk and an old woman runs over your hand with her rolly walker and you lose your job as a violinist with the Boston Pops.

The Enfeeblement: Your elbows ache. Your knees ache. You can hardly stand up to take a piss. Or sit down if you're like that. Your head hurts and your back hurts and your eyes burn. You feel like an elderly person, except without the expected wisdom.

The Dawn: It is deep into your all-nighter when you make the foolish mistake of glancing out the window. "Holy shit! It's getting light out! No, no, no!" you cry. Like a spaceman with little burrowy aliens all over him, "No, no, NOOOOOO!" The Dawn can cause a relapse of Desperation, Fear, or Crazy, but can also be turned into Excitement. This is a function of the delerium which has been accompanying the entire all-nighter.

Jesus I'm tired...