Your sir, are a BRIGAND!

I am writing this as a formal CHALLENGE to Mr. Aaron Douglas Mandel to compete in a duel of gentlemanship. I have long stood by, tight-lipped, viewing travesties and sins committed against all types of decent men and women, and I can stand silent no longer. You have displayed your genitalia to small babes and new mothers, you have spewed terrible vulgarities at old women gathering in the park, and you have generally run about un-shaven with your naked figure for all the decent world to see. You sir, are brigand, a vagabond, and a ne'er-do-well.

I call on your, Mr. Mandel, to accept this most proper duel of gentlemanship. The first form of competition will be in attire. Whatever man is judged to be dressed in the most appropriate of fashions upon arrival at the salon or the polo club (by our peers) will be granted one point per occasion. Additional points will be granted to lavish collars and the most ornamental rapiers and pistoles.
The second form of competition will be in performance of the equestrian arts. Every Tuesday we shall gather at the greens to run a course with our chosen steeds. Only a steed of pure bloodline is allowed to compete, as this is a competition between gentlemen and not common cow-boys. If you cannot provide yourself with a horse, you must run the course yourself. You will be provided with the proper amphetamine supplements and horse tranquilizers so as to compete on the level of a purebred steed. Upon your request, you can also have a jockey mount your shoulders, so that you may focus your attention on the course.
The third and final form of competition will be in the most sacred and traditional art of the Gallon Challenge. We shall use whole milk with proper snack supplements. Whomever completes his gallon first without vomiting out of the mouth or nose shall be declared the winner.

I hope to hear from you soon.