In one nostril and out the other.

Apparently if you snort some kind of "brain chemical" you don't have to sleep anymore. I guess the inventors of this miracle product have never heard of coke, speed, or Jolt Cola before. I remember when I was thirteen my friends and I used to buy a 24 pack of Dr. Pepper and drink the whole case while we threw random garbage and pieces of wood onto our gasoline-fueled bonfire. Then in a caffeine and sugar haze of insanity, my friend Blake decided it would be a good idea to put on a freakish mask of an old toothless man and climb onto his roof to terrify his young step brothers. Unfortunately for these two kids they had a skylight, and woke up to a terrifying moonlight creature banging on the glass with glee. The kids promptly screamed loud enough to wake the neighbors and saturated their mattresses with urine. The point of my story is, getting amped off of legal shit isn't always a good way to go.

Leisure Time

I'm not out assassinating political leaders because I have blog wars and and a level 60 Night Elf wizard to entertain me.

I think the main point Dan is making is that us Americans are attempting to deliver the wrong American social tradition to foreign countries. We shouldn't be trying to export democracy...blowing up opposition is obviously not the short track to that goal, and Iraq is like a bunch of diahrettic 3 year-olds in a McDonald's ball pit; there's just shit everywhere and it's gonna be a bitch to clean up. Well I say we fed those damn kids the wrong food! They're only 3, we can't expect them to be discerning eaters.
We should be exporting the great American tradition of leisure time, or as we at the Monstro like to say, the art of a "hard sit." Assassinations and IEDs would all but cease is we were distributing XBox Live! accounts like we were distributing food and medicine. Why the hell is Condoleeza Rice visiting Pakistan and Iran? She is scary as hell. Hire a part-time actor serving steaks in Hollywood to put on a Master Chief suit and have him stomp around Baghdad handing out Xboxes and that guy will have every militant for miles diving in front of bullets to ensure that the poor sap in the suit stays alive to deliver more 360's.

Blog War?

We are in a blog war with Sam Johnson's Glider Bison blog? Is that some sort of fucking joke? Being an ex-improv guy I should know jokes, and that must, I dare say, must be some sort of fucking joke. Let's talk about Sam Johnson, mainly his fucking unending and unquenchable desire to eat massive amounts of dick.

Getting challenged to a blog war by someone who lives off the raw flesh of nature's most cunning beast is like someone trying to beat Tesla and Einstein's lovechild (Rube Goldberg) in a goddam science fair.

See any dick around? well watch out cuz ol' Sammy J will be rarin' 'round the corner with a mouthful of slobber soon to be filled with cock. Know someone with a cock who doesn't want it anymore? Great, put him near Sam Johnson so he can chew it straight up. Guy loves his cock, ram it down his throat, guy has no gag reflex, genetically bred for loving ze cauck.

On a totally unrelated and shockingly more appropriate note I was using some Preparation H yesterday and read on the label to ask your doctor about using it if you suffer from depression.

Excuse me what the fuck??!?!?

My only thought on that is that if you are already clinically depressed, knowing you need to put gel on your ass so it doesn't itch/burn might put you over the top. People are so afraid of being sued, it's amazing.

I miss the days when I had the brain power to post like Dan just did. Poop.

Bhutto

I don't usually get up in arms about anything outside the 2-3 meters of space that follows me wherever I go, but FUCK! Sometimes a story sticks with you, and when it reaches its tragic conclusion you want to kick God in the balls.

Benazir Bhutto, 54 year old Pakistani populist movement leader AND WOMAN, was murdered today at an election rally. I could comment on the conspiratorial nature of current Pakistani "President" Pervez Musharraf, but instead I think I will summarize with a poorly put together visual aid:

attempted assassination of political enemy (Oct.) - fails - declare martial law - suspend democracy and elections

attempted assassination of political enemy (Dec.) - SUCCESS! - repeal martial law - allow elections to continue

If you need some explanation, chew on this obtuse statement: the perp is usually the one who stands to profit the most.

Say what you will about the tenets of modern American democracy, at least a majority of the country solves its problems without violence--and with a few exceptions this holds even truer for the national political sphere. We have extremists too, and it's a benefit of conservatism that most right-wing nuts were taught early to repeat, "I may disagree with your opinions, but I will defend to the death your right to speak them." This is something that is often lacking from your left-wing nuts repertoire of cliches because s/he knows they're* right and doesn't care what you think.

Please allow me to imitate a liberal and use Bhutto's death (just for a moment) to forward my own politics. I've always wondered why people's reactions to political events (in 3rd world countries) are destructive. We never seem to do this. I think it's because we have alternative ways to vent aggression. I just set nine fire traps around a sleeping dragon and killed it. Although it was in a fantasy world, I was deceptive and used fire bombs...essentially. If I didn't have shit to do, I'd probably be out turning over cars and burning office furniture at every opportunity too. In conclusion fuck Jack Thompson.

Benazir Bhutto's assassination speaks strongly about the dictator's fear of symbolism. Whoever the fuck killed her feared her. A 54 year old woman who spoke at rallies. Come on! Whether the killer feared her political sway in an upcoming election or had the even more absurd fear of "the outspoken, independent woman," make no mistake, it was fear that drove them. It was also absurd.

Who is afraid in this NEW war on/of terror? It still seems like the same old type of war. Two sides misunderstand the other. Each side takes turns killing each other. Each fears what the other side stands for or represents.

Eat Animals Raw

There is nothing I like more, with about a dozen exceptions, than eating raw the flesh of nature's beasts. A week ago my family was fixing chioppino (a sort of fisherman's stew thing) and I insisted on tasting each element before its cooking began. As former roommate Jeffrey Bernstein can testify, I am consumed with the desire to eat an entire steak raw. Whenever possible I will eat at sushi restaurants, ideally eschewing accouterments and eating only the fish. In the last 1 week, I have eaten raw oysters three times.



I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who will not eat a raw beast, especially not an oyster. This is a shame. Sometimes, like in the case of the dozen exceptions mentioned above, one has to do things that in polite company seem unpleasant or inappropriate, in order to maximize fun.

To quote the Old Dirty Bastard: "Ooh Baby, I like it raw. Ooh Baby, I like it raw."

Blog Wars?

Apparently some heathen barbarians from across the Great Alps have donned their bear skins and whittled new clubs out of winter evergreens in a attempt to cross the Pass in the dead of winter to surprise the bastion of civility and human accomplishment that is The Monstro with some kind of surprise raid. Accoriding the the anger-filled cave etchings found over on Glider Bison, The Monstro has been called to arms and the whole while we have been sitting, sipping tea, and inventing things like geometry while the Glider Bisonites are struggling with the simple concepts behind agriculture. From what I can gather for the barbarian ramblings, The Monstro has been engaged in a "Blog War" which despite being the most advanced civilization on the great globe I cannot exactly figure out how to fight. Our geometers have crafted giants siege engines that can launch boulders hundreds of yards. We have horsemen from the Red Desert that can ride the like wind. We have cannoneers from the colonies and flying machines from the canals of Venice. The great army of The Monstro numbers in the millions and our technology is limitless, but somehow Glider Bison has managed to engage us in a war that we do not know how to fight.

The Bisonites attempted in some form to dictate rules of engagement, but never sent an emissary to our courts, never once engaged in civilized preparation, never once even declared war. They simply posted the decree on their own grounds and waited, patiently, for war to come to them. We Monstronauts are not warlike. We are imperialistic maybe, but we are not bloodythirsty. We march when we see gain. We never are simply sporting for a good fight.

Since the Glider Bison decree went unheeded for a long month and the deadline is coming to a pass without the Generals knowing we would march to battle, I believe the only civilized action is to postpone. The Monstro armies will prepare, and will meet the Bisonites on the field of battle in the next month. Their rules will stand, but their men will fall.

Until that day,

Ur-Chancellor Ozymandias III

sad shit

My dad happened to be born on Christmas Eve so I spend the night celebrating a meal with family like any good WASP. At the end of the night tonight I was driving my great aunt back to her house and cruised by a Target store. It was about 9pm on fucking Christmas Eve and there were at least 30 cars in the lot. I swear if I hadn't had to drop an 88 year old woman off at her house I would have rolled into that Target to witness some sad sad shit. Maybe next year.