A rare Monstro Blog LIVE BLOG event

I think live blogging is both funny and stupid and I don't really do it much if ever here. But I find myself using the free Wi Fi in Berkeley's Happy Donuts and I can't resist for the 20 or so minutes I have power left in this bad boy (naughty voice) I call my laptop.

4:10pm, two kids come in, maybe 11 years old. One is playing it straight, the other one is talking in some funny cartoon voice but I think the lady behind the counter thinks he is making fun of her Asian accent. I watch as she kills him in her head a few times over while getting his two donut holes.

4:18pm Everyone coming in here is so unhealthy looking, fat and old by and large. LARGE.

It is 4:28pm, I've been here for about 40 minutes, I paid 95 cents for a sugar donut and planted myself at a table to do some work, the lady behind the counter doesn't know what to make of me. At some point does my time here run out or could i stay forever?>!?!? Some pretty interesting people have come in, a donut shop is a funny place.

4:33pm It's been quiet as shit, is this a dead hour for donut eaters? Too close to dinner maybe to justify a filling snack?

4:34pm There are SO MANY donuts in the display rack, I just counted, cuz I'm dying on the inside, there are 86 donuts on display, that seems totally insane, am I right? Am I wrong? Will you sing my victory song?

4:35- fat middle aged white man orders an apple fritter. I might just be letting my mind make this true for me but even in Berkeley it sounds like most of the people ordering donuts have a western twang. "Lemme git one of them apple fritters". Okay, this guy just told the woman working here "I used to come here a couple years ago and there was some girl taking chemistry, was that your daughter" Woman responds "No".

4:37pm, middle aged dreadlocked white woman gets a raspberry glazed donut and coffee which she drowns in half and half, she has jean shorts on that go to her ankles, this is some good shit, also a leatherman dangling off her belt, unwrapped.

4:38pm, there is a lot of sadness in here, most people come in and seem pretty beat down, their donut is their comfort, their happy place, but really it is an unhealthy mass that will hasten their demise. I'm leaving soon.

I hope this has been as fun for all of you as it has been for me, although I acknowledge that is doubtful.

Third alien themed post in a week: update- not an alien

I have posted two different alien-themed things in the last week. I don't know what's gotten into me besides those pesky interstellar microbes. I swear, I'm not even into sci-fi, like, at all. I would like to update this post and say that while I'm not an alien I may get to be in a medical journal since I was just found to have some rare parasite called Strongoloides (!!!). I have had this since at least last September and potentially as far back as our Monstro orgy in Asia in 06-07. Good times! Now I'm going to live blog a donut shop.

Alien info

About a year ago I posted about Stephen Hawking. I was talking about how he might be considered even more impressive because of the physical state that he's in. I also think he might be a lot closer to an alien than the rest of us. NOW THIS COMES OUT. This is not funny, this is terrifying, the dude has insider info, it is so fucking obvious, if there is any (former) human on the planet who has been taken over by aliens it is this guy! We need to heed his call and stay the fuck away from aliens.

best news EVER

I've probably used that headline before but when you have memory problems it's like the NBC in the summer "it's new to you" campaign. Anyways, this gem from CNN fits the billing. From the headline to the last quote it's everything you'd want not only from your government but from "the leader in cable news." My friend/enemy Dru has also done some fine scouring recently on CNN and he's much funnier than I in that he links things and does longer explanations. We a simple folk blog, not caveman, but simple folk. There are differences.

surest sign of aging

There once was a time where on April 20th I'd for sure be guaranteed to look like this:


But alas, now I can only settle for this:


Oh youth (and weed), how you are wasted on the young.

-written from my desk in my office :(

Thank god for some sense in this crazy world

As a proud Californian I crap myself daily living in fear of "the big one", an earthquake that will wipe out everything I know and love, including you dear Monstro Blog readers! Noooooooo, ahhhhhhhh, the horror. But honestly, I'm sick of hearing seismologists and their supposedly expert opinions. They don't know shit. People who do know shit however, are Iranians! Just read this excellent explanation of why natural disasters are befalling the planet. Whores! Thank god for at least some sensible approaches to real world problems!

Considering the fact I may be an alien

A little background. I've developed the same mysterious rash on my side and back in October and now yesterday. I've gone to the doctor to get it checked out and no one has any clue what it is except that I have an abnormal amount of white blood cells in my blood. This has led me to the conclusion that it is possible that I might be an alien. I obviously don't think I'm an alien but I have no way of knowing, there's no Birther movement out there like for Obama that is scrutinizing so deeply my entry moment into earth.

I'm wondering if all the theory about earthly conquest and domination by aliens are wrong. What if aliens are sort of like immigrants who don't tell their children where they come from because they would much rather quietly assimilate and not make a big deal about their alien-ness, except in the unfortunate events of blood tests turning up a little weird.

C90x garbixion rengloidensuis

Here's another thing I was just realizing, if you want to seem like you talk legit Alien you either use an abnormal amount of "x"'s or make things seem like they are in Latin, I don't really speak alien.

You are no longer allowed to say "lamestream media" again. Ever.

New pet peeve: conservatives who think they're being cute and/or original by using the novelty term "lamestream media" when ripping on the press.

It's not cute.

It's not original.

But it is annoying as hell. So for godsakes stop it already; consider your privileges revoked.

Finally, some honesty!

With all of Tiger Woods' lies, it's hard to trust athletes anymore these days.

Until now.

Thank you Chan Ho Park for your honest explanation of a bad opening day outing.

Amazingness on two levels

KFC just introduced their new Double Down Sandwich which looks totally fucking disgusting. The classic concept of bread on a sandwich has been replaced by pieces of chicken, interlaced with bacon and cheese. So the first amazing thing is that this exists and people are going to not only eat it without puking but probably enjoy it.

The second amazing thing is that this thing only has 540 calories! I'm no diet or calorie counter guy but I think 2,000 calories a day is a very low/moderate number which means you could eat nearly four of these in one day and still be okay in terms of calories. Does that creep anyone else out? I just picture a bunch of scientists with a huge suction syringe (that is a cool word to type out!) just yoinking calories out of this thing.

Bon Ape-tit.

Fast poopers

Pooping is to be enjoyed. It's a great activity; not only biologically necessary, but spiritually restorative. Even when rushed, I don't think I've ever pooped in under 3 minutes. I plan for at least 5, and I prefer 10 - just in case. Depends on whether the magazine collection is the local newspaper or the NY Times or Maxim or The Economist, you know?

But there's another kind of person out there. We all know know who they are. That guy or gal who drops a deuce in record time, quietly insinuating through their very rush that you should do the same. The person who is all nonchalant about returning from the bathroom in 20 seconds - and did a lot more than the ol' number one. The kind who are visibly annoyed when you walk out of a meeting "to use the restroom" and come back a full 8 minutes later (what the fuck were they expecting? Oh, yeah, for you to poop as blasphemously as they do).

I don't like these people. They're a strange group, sorta like antique soda bottle collectors, and they weird me out.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you can't trust a fast pooper. I'm not saying I'd openly discriminate against a fast pooper per se (though they sure seem to do that to me), and I'm not saying I wouldn't hire one or give up my seat on the bus to an old or pregnant one. Not saying I wouldn't vote for one. But really, let's be honest here: would you let one marry your daughter?

Didn't think so. Me neither.

One of the best arguments yet for me being a Republican

Somehow people (albeit in Georgia) with the same political leanings as me elected this guy, Hank Johnson to represent them. Why is that disturbing? Because in a recent congressional hearing he told a military official he didn't want more people going to Guam because the island might capsize (1:25 mark, but really the whole thing is amazingly terrifying). ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THIS GUY GETS PAID TAXPAYER MONEY? GODDAMIT!

awaketh

I am devoid of ideas right now. I thought I would write about Lane coming to town and Monstro-style insanity ensuing but I got nothing, although I did get really high and felt a chord from my brain down my left leg.

I could try to preempt the Duke drivel that is surely going to foam out of Garrett after Duke crushes Butler into the spirit world tonight.

I could try to be optimistic about the A's season which starts tonight, but hmm, at this point we're not the Raiders which is about the best we have going for us.

I could post something foul or naked regarding me.

I think I'm going to make a personalized 2010 calendar.

Trying to get your ass beat this summer?

Then just buy and wear this convenient brainchild of Jewish people who are trying to get all our collective asses kicked.


(click on the photo or here for a more up-close look at this apocalypse)

Why Guatemala is good for my ego

I'm a pretty short guy, 5'6" or 5'7", here is me with some slightly tall people, both coincidentally Monstro Bloggers, (Garrett is also tall as shit - see John Candy).


I look like a fucking midget.

BUT, here is me in Guatemala!

I look like I'm the center on their national basketball team!

Thank you Guatemala for making me feel like the big guy everyone tells me I am on the inside, on the outside!