Pooping is to be enjoyed. It's a great activity; not only biologically necessary, but spiritually restorative. Even when rushed, I don't think I've ever pooped in under 3 minutes. I plan for at least 5, and I prefer 10 - just in case. Depends on whether the magazine collection is the local newspaper or the NY Times or Maxim or The Economist, you know?
But there's another kind of person out there. We all know know who they are. That guy or gal who drops a deuce in record time, quietly insinuating through their very rush that you should do the same. The person who is all nonchalant about returning from the bathroom in 20 seconds - and did a lot more than the ol' number one. The kind who are visibly annoyed when you walk out of a meeting "to use the restroom" and come back a full 8 minutes later (what the fuck were they expecting? Oh, yeah, for you to poop as blasphemously as they do).
I don't like these people. They're a strange group, sorta like antique soda bottle collectors, and they weird me out.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you can't trust a fast pooper. I'm not saying I'd openly discriminate against a fast pooper per se (though they sure seem to do that to me), and I'm not saying I wouldn't hire one or give up my seat on the bus to an old or pregnant one. Not saying I wouldn't vote for one. But really, let's be honest here: would you let one marry your daughter?
Didn't think so. Me neither.
Wow, poop, my favorite topic, of course I'll comment!
ReplyDeleteAs a "slow pooper" - think slow food movement but even more necessary, I so much agree with everything you just wrote. My boss shits in like 30 seconds, it is not even within my realm of mental possibility to try to understand that.
We, on the other side, call them "lightning shits."
ReplyDeleteDoctors actually recommend you don't read on the pot. It encourages hemorrhoids. I am by no means saying force it out, but do you stay on a subway car longer than required? do you hang out at the movie after the credits and watch the pimpled teenagers clean up? No. When the show's over, the show's over.
I do see the merits. I always bring something to read on the pot, but I never get past the second sentence.