sources

I've noticed that I usually use CNN and BBC as sources, Drew consistently uses Wired and Jumago is all over the place, I find it interesting, maybe it says something about each of us. Maybe it doesn't. You'd have to consult an authority for any real truth on the matter.

Bike Dorks Rejoice

Fast things are always shaped like a phallus.

This article highlights the recent setting of the new ground speed record for a bicycle: a startling 81 MPH. I can't even imagine what the feeling must be like to be traveling that quickly under your own power. It's probably like the guy who strapped a rocket engine to his car. Beforehand it sounds all fun, and then when you're actually going there is probably a lot of poop in the seat.

I know a good vinyl guy, so don't worry about that part. Follow your dreams and go fast mankind. You can't outrun death, but you can catch up to it in a 300 MPH flaming wreckage.

Sky Nazis

Check this out.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,298165,00.html

(How do I make a link in my post? The help menu says to click on the add a link botton, but there is no such button. There's spell check, add image, and then no more. Maybe that's the real subject of this post. Blogger is out to make me look like I can't imbed a simple link. Goddamnit. Check it out, in any case.)

The Kettle is Black

This may be a case of the pot calling the kettle black, but this artistic endeavor is a little over the top for me. It is an art exhibit showing the "sexual lives of robots." I understand conceptually what the artists are doing. I can already see their self-obsessed pitch line formulating in my head. It's something along the lines of:

"I was trying to, you know, create these scenarios that forced people to examine their own sexuality by, like, making them think of the absurdity in my art. Because, like, nobody thinks machines have sex. Machines are just built, right? Well, my art is supposed to, like, make people think like that about real sex. Sex between humans, I mean."

Shut up. Robots do not have sex. This is a concept that wouldn't even sneak its way past a small child. The only way this art exhibit even works is because the robots have human faces. If you had a washer humping a dryer with a strap on, people wouldn't even bat an eye at the "artistic merit" of that shit. They'd start asking you about the features and how these models compared to the Whiprool brand.

Cadence of Life

There is a rhythm to life I recognize all too often. Today I was driving to work and I lazily steered my Hyundai Elantra along a wide left turn. I checked out a familiar Vietnamese food restaurant on the corner and as I drew my eyes back to the road I notice two people leaning on an old blue car, both smoking cigarettes. The woman was wearing an over-sized golden San Francisco 49ers jacket. The man beside her had on a pair of denim overalls and wore a large gray beard. He had some round glasses on his face and a mangled hat on his head with a wide brim. He looked like a gold-rush prospector just relaxing there on the car. I thought that was a pretty cool experience. One of those "I wish I had a camera" type of things.

ok it's safe to blog again now that I've fought off prostate cancer

phew. that was a close one.

Three things have caught my eye recently that are semi-worth telling other life forms about. This automatically excludes news about the growth slowly appearing under my left eye cuz no one likes a party pooper (cancer).

The first thing is that I got a letter from Whitman College today. Naturally, I figured it would be asking for money. This actually doesn't bother me at all as it has become totally normal for schools to ask alums for money and I had a great experience at Whitman and will happily give $25 dollars until I am a self made millionaire and demand that Whitman name a building after me where you have to be naked. The thing that really stuck in my craw was that this letter was from good old George Bridges (how much longer can this turd last?) stating a bunch of great things about Whitman. Instead of asking for the gift with the forms and instructions at the end, it simply said that in a few weeks I'd be getting a letter asking for a gift and to consider doing it. It was a letter to tell me I'd be getting a letter later. Now I'm all for freedom of speech, but I'm also for...I don't know, FUCKIN' TREES MAYBE and what a goddam waste, not to mention the postage that could have gone to put another fountain on campus to encourage drunk people not to go the way of Tycho Brahe (or his pet elk for that matter) but instead I get a letter announcing the future arrival of another letter. Jesus, this is not the fucking middle ages, I don't need a goddam messenger to come before the king and announce his impending arrival.

The second thing is this site which made me crack the fuck up. It's pretty much just old style greeting cards but the humor is so up the Judd Apatow/Garrett Stiles/Family Guy alley (yeah I went there) that it is so perfect. Anyways, they are funny and were passed on to me by Ashley Apel, so thank her if you laugh, kill her if you don't like it. I'm JUST THE FUCKING MESSENGER NAMED GEORGE BRIDGES. The king will be here later.

Lastly, Iranian Royal Douchebag Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia University today and it was a royal mess front to back. First of all Columbia invited him probably to pat their ivy league ass on the back for being open to free speech. Bullshit, I see at best, limited reason why hatemongers and probable purveyors of violence should get free license to spout their venom. Then, as if to cater to viewpoints like mine, University President Lee Bollinger ripped him a new asshole, which must have been pretty fun, but weird in the context of them inviting him to speak, at least not really in the middle east tradition of hospitality to ones guests. Then Ahmadinejad went down a path I've been noticing lately from terrorists like Bin Laden and other US/capitalist enemies like Hugo Chavez bust out lately. They've gotten WAY smarter with their rhetoric and mix their reactionary hate/terror messages with legitimately good critiques of US culture and society. This scares me because at heart, most of these people are bad people who would hurt people like me and you just to make an ideological point, which I think is bullshit. The thing is they are starting to get as good as America at saying one thing while doing the other. When Ahmadinejad said they didn't want nukes, just peaceful energy I don't care if he means it or not. When you come out and say you want to wipe another sovereign country (Israel in this case) off the map explicitly, and deny the Holocaust, one of the major reasons for its existence, you should not possess nuclear capabilities. Anyways, Bin Laden's recent videos and this appearance made me realize that the anti-American PR is getting sharper, maybe they are hiring Karl Rove now that he is unemployed.

Good luck with your lives in this world of incredibly good Stride Gum.

Literally the BEST FUCKING THING EVER~!!!

Glory Glory Hallelujah, enough said!

Think twice

Upon first read and view, this story will shock and horrify most people. Just the blue tarped image is enough to make most proud, health loving (northwest) Americans gag. But let's consider the facts, this man has a rare disorder called Prader-Willi Syndrome which gives the sufferer a nearly constant feeling of being hungry, which then leads to gross obesity. Here's the thing, there is no better feeling for me than quenching a mean hunger so if this dude gets to do it all day then fuck him, lucky bastard. Also, he hasn't left his house since 2003. Now I'm all for getting out and about, but I"m currently working in what has to be one of the nicest offices in all of san francisco, there are huge windows right over downtown looking over the bay, out to Alcatraz Island, most people don't have it that nice in their cubicles, but still, everyday at 5 I can't wait to go home and sit on my ass, once again, dude has it good. The only person to blame here is the nurse, who called authorities because she had become "worried about his health". Now I'm sorry, but I think after the 1st year of not leaving his house she might have come to that claim, why it took this long I'll never know, except if I asked the nurse, which might lead to a published Q&A Monstro Blog exclusive.

This will not be happening.


The only other funny thing that I'm slowly picking up on is that some zit-faced intern or entry level bitch (read: liberal arts grad) sitting at CNN Headquarters in Atlanta has a shit load of fun titling the http:// addresses for CNN's articles, click on a few of 'em and I bet you'll find a funny one, eh big guy?

Living with War

With all this talk about disliking authority going around, I'm reminded of a nice interview with Neil Young from a year ago. He's angry, somewhat inarticulate, and possible drunk.

http://www.neilyoung.com/lwwtoday/lwwvideos/Cobert_Report_qt.html

In All Seriousness.

All of you should watch the video that Aaron posted. All of you. I am nearly speechless. I am so fucking sick of everyone being so worried that a public figure might actually look bad because they can't answer intelligent and aggressive questions. I am sick of canned "town hall" debates where Bush gets to answer questions about his fucking dog. I am sick of "dinner with Obama" web clips that are so obviously edited and tweaked that I wouldn't be surprised if they were overdubbed. I am sick of this type of shit. I am sick of this half-assed form of government that has somehow insured that all the truly capable people have been run from its ranks. Fuck the University of Florida. Fuck the police.

I am not joking.

Excessive Force?

Warning: This is not quite "signs of the apocalypse" but it would win excessive force of the weak, were we to do that, which we might be, right now.

this is also pretty disturbing. tasers are intense.

New Column: Signs of the Apocalypse

The other day I was driving to Boise from Walla Walla with my good friend Gus. It was a hazy day with lots of gray smoke hanging on the horizon. It was also very windy. Just generally dismal. Out of the blue he said "It kind of looks like The Road out there." He was exactly right. Then I thought, "what if the Apocalypse really is here?" This would undoubtedly make a lot of evangelicals really happy, but also confused, because they aren't accustomed to accurate prognostication. Anyway, I decided to start a new column where us Monstro contributors share any and all signs of the coming Apoc.

This is the first of many.

Hip To Be Square

This is so geeky, but I find it absolutely awesome. Suddenly, in real life, not in Asgard or Middle Earth or Biff World, it is cool to be a super teched-out friggin' geek. It's like the Christians must have felt after the Romans would just go around all over the place chasing them out of rat-holes and chopping off their heads and then suddenly Constantine decided to make it the state religion and you had all the Christians standing around in burlap sacks and the praetorians were all embarrassed because they had just killed a bunch of them but the royal messenger showed up with the eagle crest of the emperor and told them to chill on the killing.

Huey Lewis used to scare the shit out of me when I was a kid. I don't know why. I think it's because my cousin Mike watched the music video for "Hip To Be Square" right before putting on a VHS of Aliens, which made me hide behind the couch and scream into a pillow.

Massive Economic Downturns

I'm watching CNN this morning, because I have problems, and in business news the really hot reporter who can barely read cue cards noted that "trading is down today" and then noted that is was probably because "the jewish holiday of rosh hashanah is in effect and the monthlong Muslim fast of Ramadan."


Then a commercial for Alzheimer's meds came on that showed an old man putting his watch on while his family clapped. http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

God help me.


edit: I am really bored today, found this and will give a clean crisp Washington ($1) to the first monstro blog reader who can photograph themselves making, eating, digesting this dish and NOT dying.

Country & Varmints: Correlation or Consequence?

Last night I was driving home with my girlfriend, listening to some music in the car. I'm trying to get into Country Music, which is a little tricky. As usual I've turned to the late '60s/early '70s for help. After joining the Byrds in 1968, Graham Parsons took the folk rockers in a wholly Country direction with "Sweetheart of the Rodeo" which is probably the most sincerly country recording I can honestly say I enjoy. You can hear the echos of psychedelia in the cuts, and you can hear what groups like My Morning Jacket and Magnolia Electric Company are digging on.

There we were, driving home in the dark, listening to Country Music, when a rather unmotivated Possum began a Street-Crossing manuever. Erin, as is her way when a borderline-cute animal is being threatened, covered her face with her hands and executed a brief squeal. Masterful break-work on my part spared the Possum's lazy life and we went on his way. For reference, this Possum was as large as Clark's pet corgi Annabelle.

We turned the corner into my neighborhood and Erin cried "What's that?" pointing to the side of the road. A Racoon was furtively darting from car to car. This Racoon, for reference purposes, was larger than Annabelle. We're not used to seeing nocturnal beasts, so I commented "Damn, the varmints are out tonight," to which Erin replied "It must be the Country Music."

What? Where did that come from?

With an inquisitive mind blessed with the ability of contemplation, I often find myself delving rather deeply into thought about subjects that are best left in the closet. Tonight I was thinking about celebrity. More importantly, minor celebrity. For example, I know Nicole Ritchie mainly because she is Lionel Ritchie's daughter. Lionel Ritchie is the guy who sang "Say You, Say Me." I know not to what extent she exists in the public eye due to her own merits. Nicole Ritchie, in terms of my cultural context, is pretty damn marginal. But I still know her name. If a lot of people know your name, you have to possess some sort of cultural value, don't you?
Nicole Ritchie is not as deep as my thoughts on marginal celebrity went. At some point in my media-saturated existence I had heard that Nicole Ritchie married some jackass DJ out in Los Angeles. I don't know his name. I know him simply as the guy who is or was married to the daughter of Lionel Ritchie, the guy who sang "All Night Long." You see how lonely and cold it can get at the fringes of celebrity? Like a lone cowboy wandering into the graveyard of an abandoned churchyard and staring at the weather-worn headstones bearing no longer even a memory of a name.

Stop Skull Fucking

Live From Congress: The Skull Fucking Bill Of 2007

To Live and Die in Dungeons and Dragons

This discussion board posting proves why people who are in their 30's and still playing Dungeons & Dragons seem to lose grasp of reality ever so slightly. I played it when I was 13, so that is somewhat excusable.

http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/commentary/alttext/2007/09/alttext_0912

Reno 911 Dungeons and Dragons

Stop loitering, o dissafected youth!

As Mr. Jumago brought to my attention some time ago, I have blogged incessantly about loitering goth youths outside of a notable coffee shop in Walla Walla called Coffee Perk. These kids stand around and drink alcohol conspicuously out of Nalgene bottles filled with orange juice while scaring away old people. These kids pretty much don't have anything better to do since their isn't any form of entertainment for their ilk in such a small town. No video arcades, no skateparks, no fishing ponds.
I went to Seattle this weekend and attended the Bumbershoot music festival and it was chock full of young kids with nothing better to do, and they were mostly doing what they do in Walla Walla. But some genius figured out how to get them to pay $35 a day to do it. So what Walla Walla really needs is some music festivals so that the weird teenagers can don ponchos and trip out in the grass all day.

WTF WILCO?

So I'm back from Burning Man, I"ll post more about it tomorrow or the next day after I use jumper cables on my brain, but for now, dating back to last week, Drew and I had this conversation the other day and I was wondering if any of the thousands of monstro blog readers had anything to weigh in on this, one of the most confusing questions of our era: why does anyone like Wilco?

me: so i developed a question the other night to ask you

Drew: go

me: so i saw wilco the other night and the show was fucking awesome they played for like just under 2 hours without stopping i knew some of the songs, hadn't heard others but i was realizing that while listening i had no idea what they were singing about, ever, and coulodn't figure out why i liked them so the question is why the hell does anyone like wilco? what about them is appealing?

Drew: they are like rock scientists in my opinion its like you can't tell why a painting is good, but you can tell the artist is really talented, eh? i think people recognize that Wilco is a really talented band

me: yeah i feel that

Drew: cuz i dont know what they sing about either
though on earlier albums, its not so weird

Burning Man Burns Early

Some brave soul with a Mexican wrestling mask painted on his face got into the mix by lighting the big wooden effigy on fire five days early. Awesome.