The Speed of Pure Molasses

The internet in the Monstrosity is ungodly slow for how much money we pay ($100) per month to get as much bandwidth as possible. It was going along perfectly until some mysterious cursed son-of-a-bitch plugged his computer back in after a long hiatus and once again brought down our internet like a pack of velociraptors bringing down a crippled baby brontosaurus. We're supposed to get speed that is literally blinding to the common man. We're supposed to have internet so fast that it predicts our every thought; the minute that I wish to pay the gregarious fee of $400 for the Sex and the City boxed set, my computer reads my damn mind and places the order, with overnight shipping and a home lobotomy set so I can prepare my brain to actually enjoy the bullcrap I just ordered. Our internet is supposed to defy the laws of physics and make people of religion scream and wail at the bastardization of holy law that it commits with its blinding speed. I pay $100 to try and get this marvel of mankind, but I have a three-legged dog named Spunker delivered to my door instead of the solid-gold giant greyhound I ordered.
We have tried everything to remedy this solution, and it has recently been determined that the source of the problem comes from within. That golden dog I ordered was not mis-labeled but rather one of my roomates has shaved it, chopped off its leg, and covered it in feces so that all it can do is hobble along shamefully to the point that I am as likely to kick its ribs as I am to give it affection and love.
The upside of having the internet removed from me is that I have become less dependent upon it and I have free time to do many other things, like visit the craft store and pick out my favorite fabrics for the construction of my own throw pillows and curtains. I also have found that grinding my teeth into finely sharpened points is a good replacement for the global connectivity that I once enjoyed so much. I practically don't even miss the internet that Al Gore so graciously bestowed upon us many years ago.