The Absurdity of Humankind

Considering the incredible progression of events that leads 150,000 people to one place on one night, it is interesting to see how many of these peoples' lives converge in much the safe fasion to ring in the new year. Despite where these people may have come from, they are all at the Tempe Block Party here in Arizona to basically do the same thing. That "thing" involves alcohol, yelling, and in the worst cases, urine, vomit, blood, or handcuffs. I will relay the most interesting events of the night in a series of small and cleverly titled snippets.

The Deal-Sealer
Gus, Sam, and I used Gus' sister's apartment as our home base. His sister purchased the apartment from a mythical and unnamed ladies man. The apartment had green glowing lights set behind clouded glass and not a single light switch was without a dimmer. There were speakers wired throughout the entire place and a keg tap coming out of the kitchen sink. I didn't have to meet this man to know that he had one intent and one intent only for this style of aparment, and it wasn't to entertain a book club.

Piss-Poor Fisticuffs
While Gus stood in line to use a fine outdoor crap-shed several men engaged in a brawl over whose turn it was to use the potty. There was a long series of shoving and pulling each other out of the outhouse, and there was definitely some mussed hairdos that would require more gel and more than one leather jacket that would need a good one-over with a paper towel and some ice water. One guy got punched in the face and started bleeding everywhere, but that goddamn alpha-male shit must have kicked in because he pridefully strutted around without wiping off the blood to prove that he wasn't "a pussy" even though I could see that he had pee-peed all over his fake leather shoes.

Shows Signs of Aging
While waiting in line to pay one million dollars for a cup of beer, an older woman dressed like a schoolgirl presumed that she could cut into line with us under the pretext of engaging in conversation. I guess we were sending out that "we like desperate aging women" vibe. As she gets to the front of the line and we are already enjoying out tasty beverages, a man walks up to this woman an gets all friendly. Sam, blunt as ever, comments on the man's ugliness especially in comparison to the aging Britney Spears look-alike. At this point another older man skoots into our conversation circle and says "He has a huge dick." He then talks about how the other man is his brother and talks more about how much he wants to have sex with his brother's girlfriend. He made the mistake of asking if we also thought she was really hot, to which I replied "Well, we're young." At this point he realized that we weren't admiring his brother's good fortune as much as making fun of the woman and he walked off to sign up for his free midlife crisis.

Holy Trinity Minus One
We were approached by a group of girls that contained two twins. One of them engaged me in a religious debate TEN MINUTES before midnight. I was being told to accept Jesus into my life, but really I just wanted to accept Guinness into my stomach. The conversation ended with me faking complete agreement and mentioning something about having to go home early so I could get up and go to church. SATAN WORSHIP CHURCH! ZING!