The sky is falling

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that it's taken a whole week to make a new post, so most likely I've just abandoned the site for the summer. You would be partially correct. It's not that I've abandoned the site per se, but it's namesake no longer applies. Last night, when I was walking home from Senor Loco's Crazy Taco Dirigible with a delicious burrito in hand, I noticed a strange light in the sky above my house. It's not actually THAT uncommon to see strange lights around the Monstrosity; usually its just a police officer or two taking a look around the property because someone "lost their keys in the area." After I wave a BB-gun in their direction they skittle back into their car and go back to running red lights and pulling over ethnic people.

This strange light startled me because it was actually ABOVE the house, and while I'm not entirely sure that Matt doesn't own a large searchlight, I'm pretty sure that kind of power output would pop a cicuit breaker or twenty. My next thought, being a child of science fiction TV like Unsolved Mysteries, was that this was a huge fucking UFO come down from the planet Nebulon to suck the Monstrosity up through some giant gravity bong and teleport it to a cosmic zoo somewhere. After I got my wits about me, I realized that it couldn't possibly be a UFO. UFO's only abduct crazy people who live out in the woods so that nobody would believe them anyway. If Buck McKinney from the "Sovreign state of Appalachia" says he got abducted by a UFO, we're all thinking that he just wandered behind his shack and passed out in a bathtub. How wrong I was.

I walk into the house and all the lights are turned off except for the glow from the television set. I'm thinking that those damned squatters who are temporarily occupying my house are using my PS2, and so I go into mother bear defense mode. I go tearing into the living room nunchucks-flailing and I am stopped dead in my tracks by what I see. There is a freakin' alien sitting right there on the couch. His feat are up and he's calmly eating a bag of my chips. I thought I would have been more surprised, but all I could think was "Those are really good chips, and they're kind of expensive." Then the weirdest thing ever happened. I got a reply, in my own head, in a different voice that said "They're a little too oniony for me." This was the first ever direct communication between two intelligent lifeforms and we were talking about a bag a fucking chips.

I assume you're all probably wondering by now that this alien looked like. Considering his/her/its species has mastered space travel, it's kinda hard to tell considering all the space-fairing gear it had strapped all over it. Kinda like a space suit but thinner and shinier, with lights. It was able to eat the chips by putting them in this little slot, kinda like a ticket dispenser on a Skee-Ball game. I assume it couldn't breathe oxygen or it didn't want to get my diseases (of which I have a veritable smorgasbord). Anyway, to be most accurate it looked more like a robot than an alien.

You would think that having this huge interstellar meeting would spawn thousands of questions from me, or thousands of partonizing tests from it. But neither really happened. It kinda clicked through the television stations and I would say "oh, good show" and it would pause for a while and then awkwardly wait a little longer than it probably wanted to to change the channel because I said I liked the TV program. "So, no questions about the meaning of life, the universe, or whatever?" The alien man finally said to me inside my brain. "I assume we'll eventually figure it out." I replied. It looked like it was pondering (if his species in fact ponders) and got as satisfied a look as you can manage with a space helmet on. "I was supposed to come and take your entire house to a zoo on some planet really far from here, but it sounds like you have your shit together, so I'm going to let you stay." the alien said.

I walked outside with the alien and kinda awkwardly did a jock-hug with it because I wanted to kinda still put out that I was pretty masculine even though I was giving it a hug. The alien stood under a weird beam and started to rise into the air, and it said "I'll be back, I'm sure." on its way up. "The last alien to use that line is governor of California." I said. I think the alien gave me the finger as it slowly moved into the clouds and presumably into its spaceship.

I turned around and started to walk about into the house and I saw the whole Monstrosity dissolve and zip up into the clouds quickly after the alien. It's then that I realized when he said "I came to take your entire house to a zoo, but you can stay" he meant he was still taking the house, but he would let me chill on Earth. Now I'm sitting in a coffee shop downtown wondering if telling this story was such a good idea, since we all know that the only people that get abducted by UFOs are crazy people who won't be believed. Presumably this alien did this shit to me specifically because it knew I would type it out on this blog, and since this blog is mostly nonsense, this story would be taken as nonsense too.