I am the Bread Whisperer.

I have a special gift that no other man, woman, or beast can lay claim to. I have the ability to feel bread. I can feel its desires and speak with it, in the language of breads, and I can figure out what the bread wants for itself. All bread speaks in one language, the language of breads. It is a common misconseption that a bread speaks the language of the country its recipe originated in. That is your first clue that you are dealing with a fake bread whisperer. The nightingale's song is the same the world over, (except in countries where the nightingale has been hunted to extinction) as is the language of breads. A tortilla speaks as a ciabatta speaks as a matzah speaks. All breads share a common language, and I have learned that language.

Speaking with breads is not the full extent of what a bread whisperer does. One must understand breads in order to fully unlock the potential of the bread. Some breads are perfectly pleased being served before meals, as appetizers. Crackers and buttered rolls are numbered in this group. Appetizer breads tend to be on the unintelligent side of the bread species, but they are loyal and have an unflinching desire to whet the appetite of diners the world around. There are some nefarious breads that wish to not be eaten at all. These breads will mold on the shelf after only a few days. These breads are the bad seeds of all breads, one cannot pinpoint a particular breed of bread that wishes to not be eaten. If your bread molds on the shelf quickly, do not try to salvage the innards of the bread from mold, for your bread is a dark, suicidal bread that will bring you nightmares and unhealth.

Bread whispering appears easy, but so does bungee jumping. In reality, there is a subtlety to the art that few can master. I like to grab a piece of bread and listen to it, smell it, caress it, and visualize its birth in my mind. That particular slice being cut from the whole loaf, developing its own identity and consciousness. When I have understood the bread to this degree, I ask it, in the language of breads, what it would like to used for. Sometimes it is immediate; "peanut butterrrrr..." I will hear with glee, sometimes followed by "open facedddd..." and sometimes "with jelly and potato chipsss..." Each slice of bread has its own ideal use, so it is important to always find slices that share a common side, because usually these slices have a similar desire for their usage. It is bad mojo to take a slice from the front and back of a loaf, as the slices may have totally different ideas about what they want, one slice may want to be a pickle and saurkraut sandwich while the other slice wants to be a mayonnaise and bologna sandwich. This can lead to dark times for your well-being and intestinal tract.

If you would like my services as a bread whisper, they are not based on proximity to a particular bread. I have refined my abilites to the degree that I can commune with breads remotely; I don't need to see the bread to tell you what it desires. Simply call or email me and I can tell you what kind of sandwich to make, or what kind of salsa to put on your quesadilla. It is a smart choice, because as my grandpappy used to say: "Piss off the bread, you'll soon be dead."

Come on grampa, let's play catch!

I don't usually post stuff from other "news" sources, but ESPN.com published an article about a preseason NFL game between the Green Bay Packers and the Cincinnati Bengals that reflected a little bit of real life. The article focuses on the outstanding performance of Bengals' quarterback Carson Palmer while painting a darker, sadder picture for good ol' Brett Favre of Green Bay:

"Last season, Favre threw five interceptions -- his career high in the regular season -- and had the ball snatched from his hand by a fan who ran onto the field in the closing minutes of a 21-14 loss in Cincinnati.

This time, he had the ball fly out of his hand during a pass attempt on the opening series, a fumble that Dexter Jackson returned 29 yards for a touchdown. He was intercepted on the next series, and tripped and fell while dropping to pass in the second quarter.

Favre played into the third quarter, going 12-of-25 for 162 yards with three sacks and a touchdown for the Packers (1-2)."

It's like when you were a kid and your dad tries out your skateboard so he can prove that "he's still got the touch" and he ends up falling off the curb and seriously injuring his back. The corkscrew of old age is slowly twisting into pop's subconscious, but sad old Brett Farve is having a cold spike nailed into his.

Ideology Pie

I recently had a falling out with one of my most favorable ideologies lately. Until recently I have been a strong proponent of the view that the entirety of human civilization can be explained by describing it a large informational system, and the quickest way to improve our status as beings in the universe is to naturally improve our bodies' ability to process and store information. The conclusion of the ideology is that humans our most remarkable creations, computers, must merge and create a new post-human species that has capabilites that far exceed that of homo sapiens. My falling out occured when I read an article in Discover magazine regarding just this line of thinking and how simplifying the whole concept really is. To describe the world with the over-arching definition of an "informational system" is the same as describing the world as being "intelligently designed." It doesn't get at the essence or truth behind anything, it is just a phrase that is easily adaptable to vague and argumentative mind-masturbation that makes intellecutals in America feel very accomplished for engaging in. I was numbered among these intellectuals until very recently. I realized that my ideologies, past and present, tended to constrain my thinking even though I thought I was being progressive. Any time I assumed that someone else was ignorant of the truth, I was really being ignorant of another perspective. Actions that seem absolutely insane and uninformed from my created perspective suddenly seem reasonable when I think about what must be going through the other person's head. As crazy as it sounds, the guy standing in the park probing dog turds for sign of extraterrestrial life isn't being weird on purpose, he's simply interacting with the world in the way that his mindset dictates. He might be insane, but through the lens of insanity dog shit is the gateway to eternal happiness, he simply needs to discover the keys to the spaceship hidden in the digested dinner of a Welsh corgie. My point is, people who are insane are simply reacting to the world as they see it, as are children and people high on drugs. The rest of us, the majority of us, who walk around the world with the burdens of self-actualization and forethough tend to categorize the world so that it makes sense to us.
I am not about to pop you with the announcement that I have become a Zen Bhuddist or anything like that. Zen can be just as constraining to one's mind as the teachings of fanatical sects of Islam or the ramblings of an undernourished cult leader in northern Arkansas. Smart people like to figure shit out, and in the process of trying to figure shit out I have become an extremely cynical, self-centered, and judgemental person. What about the world did this to me? Probably Burger King advertising and the hypnotizing layout of Toys R' Us, but there is a bit of blame that can be attributed to my own choices as to what I occupy my thoughts with. I am on the fast track to hypocrisy and I haven't even been elected to office yet.
Where's the snake oil, you're probably wondering. When is he going to offer his explaination, his "true path?" When is he going to create his new Scientology, when is he going to open the doors of heaven for a small membership fee? No, none of that. I won't be providing answers for any of you dirty apes, I'm going to go drink a beer on the porch and look for something else to occupy my mind with that doesn't involve being an intellectual dickhead all the time.

Grunge?

I appreciate Mandel's comment. It may very well be true that these same thoughts come to us when we listen to this music. That's why I'll keep writing about it; to spur dialogue. Today, I'm tackling a somewhat nebulus genre called Grunge.

“Smells Like Teen Spirit” – Nirvana (1991)
One of the most recognizable riffs of modern music opens Nirvana’s major label debut Nevermind. Drawing on punk and metal influences, Nirvana brought the indie aesthetic to the mainstream unlike any band before. Using the soft/hard dynamic of The Pixies and a riff based on Boston’s “More Than a Feeling”, Cobain combined raw, feedback-filled sound with catchy vocal hooks. Lyrically, the song speaks to disenfranchised youth with the line “Here we are now, entertain us”, a saying Cobain used to use at parties.

“Jeremy” – Pearl Jam (1991)
Another important contributor to the Seattle sound, Pearl Jam offered enigmatic lyrics and thick guitar-heavy production. Formed in the fallout of Mother Love Bone, Pearl Jam recruited San Diego surfer Eddie Vedder to front their project. “Jeremy” features his unmistakable baritone driving an epic arena rocker. The song speaks of failed parenting and a violently imaginative youth. Disparate guitar leads drip from the song, which ends with a melancholy bass solo.

“Them Bones” – Alice in Chains (1992)
One of the best heavy-metal bands of the ‘90s, Alice in Chains was fronted by singer Layne Stanley and guitarist Jerry Cantrell whose voices melded into beautiful harmonies, successfully juxtaposing against their sonic assault. The lead track off their ’92 release Dirt, a self-conscious cry for help from a desperate and dying heroin junkie, is “Them Bones”. Grinding Sabbath-esque riffs are applied to the grunge aesthetic flawlessly.

“Today” – The Smashing Pumpkins (1993)
Although not part of the Seattle movement, the Smashing Pumpkins contributed to the grunge sound with their combination of arena metal and indie rock. Whether his voice enlivens or annoys you, singer/guitarist Billy Corgan has an unforgettable presence, singing in a high nasal register, his lyrics cut through the bassy tones of Siamese Dream. Recorded during a period of great strain for the group, Corgan wrote and tracked virtually the entire album alone in the studio. Arguably one of the finest guitar-rock records of the period, each track is an avalanche of multi-tracked instrumentation. “Today”, the breakthrough single, has an instantly attention-grabbing lead, uplifting and exhilarating, which contrasts effectively with the descending pounding of the chord progression. Written about a day of suicidal impulses, “Today” is a song of longing for salvation.

“Black Hole Sun” – Soundgarden (1994)
Fronted by one of best vocalists of the grunge/alternative movement, Soundgarden produced their metal-ballad crossover hit “Black Hole Sun” in 1994. Equally appropriate to lighter-raising or moshing, singer Chris Cornell desperately cries out against a wall of guitar rock.

“Big Empty” – Stone Temple Pilots (1994)
Often criticized for their similarities to Pearl Jam and Soundgarden, STP will be remembered for successfully bridging alternative music into radio-friendly stadium rock. Their second album, Purple, finds the band churning through thick metal with brilliant memorable melodies standing out on nearly every track. “Big Empty” features a lazy bass groove over which vocalist Scott Weiland croons vulnerably. The transition from verse to chorus is one of the single most powerful moments in the period’s rock music.

“Hunger Strike” – Temple of the Dog (1990)
A one-album project to show tribute to the death of Mother Love Bone’s lead singer Andrew Wood, Temple of the Dog is a sort of grunge supergroup featuring members of both Pearl Jam and Soundgarden. A mournful duet between then-unknown Eddie Vedder and Chris Cornell, “Hunger Strike” has a ‘70s hard-rock feel with emotive melodies and simple playing. Listen for Cornell’s impossibly high harmony during the chorus; moving, to say the least, and indicative of his Zeppelin influence.

Into the great wide open

hey there folks, I'm headed out tomorrow morning with my friend Josh to hike the John Muir Trail which runs from Yosemite National Park to Mt. Whitney over 200 miles south. We'll be hiking for about 16 days and re-supplying once along the way. My plan is to journal as close to everyday as possible and publish some/most/all of that on this here blog when I return. I am overall extremely anxious and excited to get started, I've been working a family weekend at camp and have just been antsy as hell to get going because it has been this thing that was going to happen and now it is so close and I just need to get out there and start pounding out some miles to get rid of the anxieties that are undeniably present. I guess on a lot of levels people think it's crazy to just go completely off the grid for two and a half weeks with meager food and a fishing pole to supplement our diet but on the other hand people used to live like that for like 10,000 fucking years and we are just so removed from that now that it seems weird. Anyways, I'm left handed and get a lot of bloody noses and if for some reason I die at the hands of a bear or otherwise please know that my only regret was not out-scholaring Jumago in his field, which as far as I can tell is being not lazy enough to put into well-formulated sentences what we all think when we listen to the same music.

Love.

Alt-Rock?

One of my jobs involves researching rock & roll music with a former professor. Genre catagorization is a tremendously difficult task, but one that scholars of popular culture must unfortunately take part in. The following is my attempt at providing an idea of the Alternative/College-Rock of the 1990s. Grunge, post-Grunge and Agro-Rock have been purposefully left out.

“Been Caught Stealing” – Jane’s Addiction (1990)
Jane’s Addition got their start in the wild ‘80s LA rock scene. With a blend of hard rock and funk, their sound quickly gained them attention from several major labels. Their second studio recording, Ritual de lo Habitual made the Top 20 in 1990 and was certified gold. In 1991 front-man Perry Farrell organized the touring festival Lollapalooza as a ‘90s alternative version of the rock festivals of the 1960s. “Been Caught Stealing” is equal parts Led Zeppelin and James Brown, with a bouncing bass line and piercing vocals. Sounds of door chimes and motorcycles fill out the sound of the city in this boisterous single.

"Run-Around" – Blues Traveler (1994)
The New York based blues rock outfit Blues Traveler was formed by John Popper in 1988. Along with groups like Phish, Blues Traveler represented the ‘90s return to the American rock tradition of extended jamming and soloing. There is hardly a moment on a Blues Traveler record where the center of attention is not Popper, with good reason. A gifted blues singer and lyricist, Popper plays harmonica like Jimi Page plays guitar. This virtuosity is on fine display on “Run-Around” the hit single from their 1994 release Four. Reminiscent in instrumentation to Bob Dylan’s electric phase, the song bounces along with strong acoustic strumming and organ parts.

“Under the Bridge” – Red Hot Chili Peppers (1991)
The Red Hot Chili Peppers first got people’s attention with their blend of punk rock and hard funk and a flamboyant high-energy stage show. Although the band began as a very party-music outfit, complete with addictions and overdoses, their most affecting songs were ballads such as “Under the Bridge” off of their 1991 release Blood Sugar Sex Magik. Reaching #2 on the charts in 1992, “Under the Bridge” is a down tempo lighter-raiser about the place where singer Anthony Kiedes used to buy heroin. Guitarist John Frusciante’s gentle playing carries the song to an epic rock out ending where super-bassist Flea underplays to tasteful effect.

“Losing My Religion” – R.E.M. (1991)
Bringing guitar rock back from the Arena sound of the ‘80s, Athens, Georgia’s R.E.M. combined vulnerable lyricism with multi-instrumental arrangements and mature, complex melodies. Their breakthrough commercial album, 1991’s Out of Time marks the point where the post-punk of The Smiths and The Pixies turned into alt-rock. Singer Michael Stipe brings a crushing confessional tone to “Losing My Religion”, a song where the mood is far more obvious than the meaning. Ambitious and soaring, the song became the band’s first Top 5 hit and its accompanying music video swept the MTV awards for that year.

“Sabatoge” – Beastie Boys
The first white hip-hop group to matter, the New York based Beastie Boys were brought up under the wing of Run-DMC and received critical acclaim for their sonic collage Paul’s Boutique in 1989, still considered by many critics to be one of the finest hip-hop albums of the period. By the early ‘90s however, the group wanted to return to their punk-rock roots and got the chance on 1994’s Ill Communication. The hit single “Sabatoge” incorporates hip-hop turntable scratching seamlessly into a furious alt-rocker. The soft/hard dynamic of the verse-breakdown-verse structure and bassist MCA’s grinding riff combine to make a classic.

“Mr. Jones” – Counting Crows (1993)
Every radio you turned on in 1993 was playing this jangling guitar rocker. Vocalist Adam Duritz' morose, somber lyrics create a pleasant dissonance against the bright and cheery pop-rock of the single “Mr. Jones” off the 1993 release August and Everything After. Taking a page from John Lennon’s songwriting book, the Counting Crows use their best hooks at the beginning of the verse, rather than in the chorus.

“Loser” – Beck (1994)
Somewhat an eccentric among the ‘90s alt-rockers, Beck created this garage-hop stoner anthem out of a junkyard mash up of musical elements. Programmed drums meet a slide-guitar hook with a sing-a-long chorus. The verses feature Beck’s recognizable whiteboy no-flow over a sitar and bass. Although his rapping is insipid, Beck’s lyrics have undeniable poignancy. Known for combining sonic aesthetics which wouldn’t normally fit, Beck’s debut album Mellow Gold is still a classic.

“Hold My Hand” – Hootie and the Blowfish (1994)
One of the most commercially successful bands of the pop-alt-rock movement, Hootie and the Blowfish formed at the University of South Carolina in the early ‘90s. Their debut album Cracked Rear View sold over 12 million copies and contained numerous radio hits. “Hold My Hand” perfects the rock formula with soaring harmonies and a genuine feel-good vibe.

“Buddy Holly” – Weezer (1994)
Weezer came out of nowhere with a Cheap Trick style arena rock and the post-punk introspection of The Pixies. Along with Green Day, Weezer made punk-rock into mainstream pop music. On their 1994 self-titled debut, Weezer introduced the world to their sweetly sung and infectious melodic hooks over garage-rock guitar tone. Catchy leads and a sensitive story of nerdy love made “Buddy Holly” into a huge hit, thanks in part to the Spike Jonze directed video which placed the band in an episode of Happy Days. This album is still as thematically relevant as it was upon its release and stands as one of the most popular alt-rock records of the period.

“Bouncing Around the Room” (live) – Phish (1995)
Inheritors of the Grateful Dead’s live touring phenomenon, Phish incorporated jazz, blues, country, bluegrass, and inspired improvisation into their rock & roll sound. “Bouncing Around the Room” showcases the band’s good times feeling with surrealistic lyrics and an upbeat hippy groove. During the breakdown, the band shows off their jamming over a three-part harmony which ends on a triumphant, glorious note.


“Crash Into Me” – The Dave Matthews Band (1996)
Dave Matthews, the South African singer/songwriter/guitarist, formed his band in Virginia in the early ‘90s. Incorporating world music and sonic exploration, the group produced a number of complex rock songs which the members jammed out beautifully live. Featuring the detailed percussion of god-like drummer Carter Beauford, “Crash Into Me” was the biggest hit off their 1996 album Crash. Enigmatic lyrics and a jazzy arrangement fit surprisingly well into this somber love song.

Fun with Wine Snobs!

If you think the Monstro is only dedicated to ruining children's lives, then you'd only be half right. We also have a game you can play with your pretentious wine drinking friends. It's a little something I like to call The Pepsi Challenge. Except instead of Pepsi we use wine and instead of anyone winning, it ends in heart break.

Find a wine drinker and have them over. Make sure they bring some of their good shit. After they've talked you up and down about terra firma and grapus maximus, ask them if they could help you with a little experiment. Tell them you've got some wine too. Don't how them that it is a box of cheapo wine from the grocery store that comes in the space bag. Away from their soon-to-be-tear-filled eyes, pour some of the box wine in one glass and some of their bottle wine in another. Now comes the fun.

Make a big deal about how much of a wine fan you are too, and how, just for the fun of it, you want to see which wine they prefer. After tasting both, let them make their analysis and regardless of which glass they preference, astonish them by showing them that they were just drinking cheapo box wine. Even if they pick their own wine as their favorite, show them the box and tell them that they've chosen wisely. Then go into this conspiracy theory about how box wine is better because of the science involved in the space bag. Mention pressure and air and other scientific stuff. If they doubt the legitimacy of the Challenge, you didn't get them drunk enough before starting, so just never call them again and look for a new pretentious wine drinker. We know several.