Oscar rant (and one really good moment)

There was a time when this blog was all about movie snobbery, 'twas a simpler time, and now it's time for a stroll down that road again.

The Oscars fucking sucked.

It's possible because I was massively crashing from drinking for the 6 hours preceding the telecast that I was lacking certain brain chemicals needed to have any kind of joy or fun at that moment, but I seriously doubt that was it, they just fucking sucked.

Let's start with the hosts, James Franco would be fun to smoke like 12 joints with, but watching him host was pretty brutal and awkward. Anne Hatheway successfully represented everything annoying about women, being so excited and energetic about everything, no matter what. Maybe next time she shouldn't do all those 5 Hour Energy shots. Together they were the worst possible mix of trying too hard and not at all.

I hate the music pieces, they are dumb, I hate the cheesy jokes they force the presenters to say, I freaked out when Bob Hope returned back to life.

There were some good moments though, I'm not 100% hating.

1. Kirk Douglas did as only a 94 year-old could and came across as awesome for not shitting himself onstage. He does have pretty big balls though to get out at his age and after a stroke, he still had great comedic timing too.

2. Colin Firth, no nonsense and funny.

And BEST OF ALL was Luke Matheny, winner for best live action short film. He wins for a couple of reasons.

- Acknowledging his hair with his opening remark.
- Thanking his mom, who did craft services (i.e. the food) on the set.
- Promising to thank everyone else on a "thank you cam" that may or may not actually exist.
- Calling out an entire state, and that state being fucking DELAWARE! I don't even think Delaware exists!

Don't believe me? watch him here.

So that's that, I wasn't blown away by any movie this year (still need to see Winter's Bone, The Fighter and The Kids Are Alright) so hopefully next year's movies and show will be better.

basic reasoning

you know if you had told me that a bunch of small fish in a small tub of water were going to eat dead skin off my feet and then chill out in their tank for a bit and then eat some more dead skin off a bunch more people's feet I might think to call the health department too.

But I'm just a caveman...

Beautiful Moments in Life

The other day I was posted up at a nasty urinal doin' my thang. When one is at a nasty urinal it's hard to give a fuck about cleanliness because to do so, you'd be bucking a huge trend of no one else giving said fuck. So in that spirit I picked my nose, deeply and passionately, and went to wipe the results on the wall above the urinal.

To my great joy someone had already smeared the contents of their nose in the exact spot I was going for.

In that moment I felt more connected to my fellow humans than I have in ages. We are all one.

Namaste.

Public Service Announcement

Government Warning: (1) According to the Surgeon General, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects. (2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.

Just thought y'all should know. Cheers.

Cultural Superiority

So I've been listening to a lot of Cat Stevens lately, and I got to wondering: what has he been up to musically since, say, the Reagan administration?

Naturally, I got my answer where I get all my answers: Wikipedia.

(The most trusted name in news: they report, I decide. Then I edit those reports to better fit my own conclusions and worldview. It's a great system.)

Well....let's just say I'm a bigger fan of Stevens' earlier work.

It turns out Yusuf Islam has been making children's recordings to teach Muslim kids important words in Arabic. Here's an example:



Poor Yusuf. He's going to lose terribly. The competition is simply too fierce. You see, this is what mainstream American kids have for educational musicals:



That doesn't even get me started on the presidents or a primer on foreign policy.

I'm not saying we're perfect, just that there are some things American culture just really does well. Children's entertainment is definitely one of them. I didn't even resort to busting out the Schoolhouse Rock - it's that much of a monopoly.


Sorry Cat.




Annnnnnnnnnnnd just for fun:

Too slow, old man

I spent my entire weekend - 8:30am to 6pm, Saturday and Sunday - at a financial modeling seminar. I learned some cool stuff, but I also got rebuked because of, of all things, my age.

Take a quick look at the following list:

Fastest Times:
35	Seconds		Yao Choong		Moelis & Co.		University of Pennsylvania		8/12/09
36	Seconds		Alan Hsieh		Credit Suisse		University of Pennsylvania		8/18/08
36	Seconds		David Berglas		Credit Suisse		Richard Ivey School of Business		8/6/10
37	Seconds		Olivia John		Blackstone		University of Pennsylvania		7/26/07
38	Seconds		Austin Peterson		UBS		Duke University		8/1/08
39	Seconds		Jason Lee		Morgan Stanley		University of California - Berkeley		8/1/08
39	Seconds		Donald Zhang		Lazard		Dartmouth College		7/24/09
40	Seconds		Ang Lee		Jefferies & Co.		University of Pittsburgh		7/20/07
40	Seconds		Benjamin Rafetto		Société Générale		Dickinson College		8/10/09
41	Seconds		Robert Volpe		Morgan Stanley		Dartmouth College		7/27/06
42	Seconds		Shane Hwang		BofA		New York University		7/24/08
42	Seconds		Will Brugh		Jefferies & Co.		University of North Carolina		7/25/08
43	Seconds		Fernando Oura		Itau BBA		University of Sao Paulo		12/18/09
44	Seconds		Andy Cao		Citigroup		University of Pennsylvania		7/30/10
45	Seconds		Raheem Choudhry		Morgan Stanley		University of Virginia		7/27/06
45	Seconds		Kevin Curry		Wachovia		Vanderbilt University		6/27/07
47	Seconds		Sam Lundin		Lazard		Cornell University		8/10/07
47	Seconds		Danny Pho		KeyBank		Case Western Reserve Univ.		9/12/08
47	Seconds		Jamie Harvey		Credit Suisse (Europe)		Oxford University		8/28/09
48	Seconds		Imran Choudhury		Jefferies & Co.		University of Richmond		7/25/08
48	Seconds		Mihail Ivanov		Société Générale		University of Chicago		8/10/09
49	Seconds		Jamie Seltzer		UBS		University of Pennsylvania		8/19/10
50	Seconds		Goeffrey Adler		Barclays		Colgate University		7/30/09
50	Seconds		Sampath Jinadasa		Credit Suisse		Stanford University		8/13/09
50	Seconds		Shutong Zhang		Perella Weinberg		University of Pennsylvania		8/28/09
51	Seconds		Keith Collins		Wachovia		Duke University		7/14/06
51	Seconds		Dusko Djukic		KeyBank		Case Western Reserve Univ.		9/20/06
51	Seconds		Zhou Zhang		Wachovia		Vanderbilt University		6/27/07
51	Seconds		Jackie Cobb		Jefferies & Co.		University of Michigan		7/20/07
51	Seconds		James Blanchard		UBS		Yale University		8/3/07
51	Seconds		Derek Weiss		William Blair & Co.		Dartmouth College		7/10/09
51	Seconds		Nate Barajas		William Blair & Co.		University of Illinois - Urbana C.		7/9/10
51	Seconds		Albert Chiang		Jefferies & Co.		UCLA		7/22/10
52	Seconds		Keima Ueno		Morgan Stanley		Tokyo University		8/3/07
52	Seconds		Dan Yu		Wells Fargo Securities		Wake Forest University		7/21/10
52	Seconds		Michael Burke		UBS		Duke University		8/20/10
53	Seconds		Thomas Akiyama		BofA		UC Berkeley		7/30/04
53	Seconds		Ivan La Frinere		Credit Suisse		California Institute of Technology		8/18/06
53	Seconds		Rawen Huang		Morgan Stanley		Yale University		8/3/07
53	Seconds		Matt Remsen		Jefferies & Co.		Kalamazoo College		7/22/10
54	Seconds		Greg Chory		BMO		Emory University		8/8/08
54	Seconds		Andrew Blickensderfer		KeyBank		Miami University (OH)		9/12/08
54	Seconds		Tom Fang		Walton Street Capital		University of Pennsylvania		7/23/10
55	Seconds		Michael C Meng		Lazard		University of Michigan		8/4/06
55	Seconds		Jonathan Fisher		Royal Bank of Scotland		Miami University (OH)		12/11/06
55	Seconds		Roman Pedan		Walton Street Capital		University of Pennsylvania		7/23/10
55	Seconds		Kevin Shiiba		Perella Weinberg		Georgetown University		8/20/10
56	Seconds		David Sokoler		Lazard		Harvard University		8/4/06
56	Seconds		Mike Moran		Jefferies & Co.		University of Pennsylvania		7/25/08
57	Seconds		Matt Collins		Credit Suisse		U. of Wisconsin		8/26/05
58	Seconds		Brent Frissora		BofA		Harvard University		7/28/06
58	Seconds		Mike Daylamani		Credit Suisse		Princeton University		8/18/06
59	Seconds		Tim Hannan *		Merrill Lynch		Tuck, Dartmouth		10/11/07
59	Seconds		Taylor Hendricks *		Morgan Stanley		Fuqua, Duke		8/14/08

These are the record times to complete a financial modeling exercise in MS Excel. The exercise basically tests how much of an Excel ninja you are. Thousands of business majors and MBAs have tried it, so there's a pretty sizable sample of skilled folks giving it a shot.

It took me just over five minutes to complete after a couple rounds of practice. With some more work, I think I could get it done in under three, but any faster than that is realistically pushing it for my abilities (thank god I am NOT a finance guy).

If you do it in under a minute, your name goes on the wall. Have a cookie.

...

That some people push very context-limited skills to their extremes is nothing new - witness Clark's track times on the original Mario Cart. I have no problem getting beat at such tasks/skills/tests by these people (though I'm proud to say that I have shown Clark Toad's rear bumper a time or two).

What I have a problem with is being told I can't even compete at something if I wanted to because I'm too old.

Becoming too old to compete in tests of skill you once could is a fact of life. Just ask Brett Favre. Or any female gymnast who can legally drink.

But it had never happened to me until yesterday.

After going through this exercise the moderator showed us the list above. He then pointed out that only two people on the list, out of about 60, are MBA students - and they're both right at the bottom. Sounds counter-intuitive, right? Afterall, to even be in an MBA program you have to have several years of work experience, and these peeps were likely financial analysts on Wall Street honing their Excel and modeling skills for a couple years in an environment where seconds matter. So why don't more make the cut?

Because, as the instructor explained, us MBAs are too old. By virtue of the fact that most of us are 6-10 years older than the 21 year-old financial phenoms on this list, our reflexes are actually measurably slower than theirs. "You're too slow, you old farts!"

And so at the ripe old age of 27 I was dealt my first ever "you're too old to hack it" moment. I fear this is the first in an ever growing cascade of such moments, until I'm finally too old to do anything at all and just die. I spent the rest of my Sunday evening pondering my own mortality during Simpsons commercial breaks.


Damn you MS Excel. Damn you financial modeling. Damn you 21 year-olds and your lightning fast reflexes.

It's all in a name

Normally I have something clever to say about things in the news, but really this article about naming (or not naming) a city government building in Fort Wayne, Indiana after former mayor Harry Baals speaks for itself.

Would you rather go down in immortal infamy because your name is Harry Baals or be completely forgotten and wiped from the record because of it?

On nipple blood

A lot of people profess to go balls to the wall but usually they are just talking about some bullshit like drinking or their data entry job.

Monstronaut Alex Carlson took it to the max yesterday, running his first half marathon, he went so hard that his nipple bled through his shirt, onto his race number. That was hard core enough, but just to make sure that everyone else felt like a wimp, he barfed right at the finish line, showing that if you thought you tried hard at things, you need to check your shirt and see if your nipple is bleeding, if not, get back at it.

Click for a larger version!

Official Monstro Blog plan for Egypt- BRING BACK THE PHARAOH!

Egypt is a MESS (2:04 into that one, for clarity).

A royal mess. A strongman has been in power for 30 years and is not relinquishing power rapidly enough to placate masses of angry Egyptians.

Rioting has broken out.

A lot of people think that the problem here is that Mubarak is too much of an authoritarian and has repressed freedoms and opportunities for so many for so long that it is inevitable that a revolution has bubbled up.

That is bullshit. Egypt needs to look no further than its past for an answer to the future.


That's right. BRING BACK THE PHARAOH!!! Mubarak just wasn't STRONG ENOUGH. He didn't wield a scepter and staff, he didn't force Jews to build him epic pyramids, he won't get his body mummified, put into a sarcophagus and looted into eternity.

Egpytian people- This is your time, this is your moment. I hope you can find the strength and courage to act on your convictions, especially if those convictions know full well that your answer is a new Pharaoh for a new time.