Garrett is really asking for it

As I've proved before I'm far too petty and competitive to let people try to punk me online.

Now I return from leading some alternative spring breaks in Guatemala prepared to write about how I'm so different, and like, totally changed man, and like, none of you, get it, you just don't,

but then I see Garrett putting slanderous filth like this online and gloating about my disappearance so I will straight revert to a caged lunatic.

If you think I look like a slightly more attractive college dude then I think you look like a certain Canadian comedian who might have had some problems with meat, whiskey and other vices telling him why they were better (than vegetables).

Really, it's uncanny. Motherfucker.

Final Four Baby!

So now that Mandel's headed back to civilization I'm sure he'll have some epic post about the amazingness of the rain forest and all that shit, but in the meantime...

LET'S GO DUKE!!! (STOMP) LET'S GO DUKE!!! (STOMP) LET'S GO DUKE!!!

Look, I know everyone loves to say Duke is full of douchebags or totally sucks or whatever, but they're playing some really good technical basketball right now. Really good. If they get past West Virginia - and I think they will - they're going to win the title this year. Ever since Kansas got knocked out I've been saying that Kentucky is the only team that can beat these guys, and with the Wildcats 9 lives short of being in the tournament I stand by it. Smart basketball people agree with me.

So root for the Blue Devils or a Cameron Crazy will taunt you in your sleep.

Oh, that's why I feel better

As busy as I've been - having 2 days off in 7 weeks is pretty busy - I've just flat out felt better the past few months. I couldn't put my finger on it until earlier today: the world is a better place with Lou Dobbs banished to obscurity.

Dobbs left CNN in mid-November, and for a couple weeks he was blabbing on a bunch of right-wing TV networks and radio stations. So he wasn't really gone. Even when he started backing off that wagon, pundits and the political media class were talking about Dobbs running for President in the near future - or worse, something like Senator or Governor which he might actually have a chance at winning.

Nope. None of that. Dobbs has just disappeared. Haven't heard so much as his name pass anybody's lips for months now. Ahhh, deep breath....the air is so clear....

And that's why the sun is shining just a little brighter than it was this time last year. Turns out even God hated Lou Dobbs having a public speaking platform.

They say if you live long enough you'll see everything. Well, I never thought I'd ever say the words "thank you" to Lou Dobbs, but here goes:

Thank you Lou Dobbs. Thank you for doing your best Jimmy Hoffa impression.

Random thought of the day

In a game of chicken, who's the better bet: a really brave guy? Or a really good procrastinator?

I'm not sure either. I'll get back to you tomorrow.

Also, somebody take a picture: Mandel only has one post on the front page. My quest for world domination is finally underway...

Attention Tree Huggers: this is why nobody takes you serioulsy

I know I sometimes come off as a gun-toting conservative neanderthal, but I'm actually pretty "green" for all my Club For Growth credentials. See, I lived in Beijing for six months last year, and I tremble in fear at the thought of America turning into the environmental apocalypse that is China.

I'm not saying I compost shit, just that I'm pretty careful about turning lights off, willing to walk an extra 50 steps to put a bottle in the recycling bin rather than the garbage can, bring reusable bags to the grocery store more often than not, and am genuinely interested in alternative energy sources.

But as someone closer to middle America than most self-described greenies, I have the benefit of better perspective of the environmental movement than many. And let me tell you: there are a lot of reasons nobody in the middle takes the granola crowd seriously.

Here's just one little example that always stands out to me. Besides RealClearPolitics, the blog I check most every day for news is Huffington Post (again, I'm clearly no crazy, Glenn-Beck-worshipping right winger here). And like any good bastion of liberalism, HuffPost has an entire "Green" section of its website.

And here's where it gets ridiculous. Take a look at some of the headlines from the "Green" section:

"13 Cutest Animals Falling Asleep (VIDEO)"
"PHOTOS: Children Playing in Spring Gardens"
"PHOTOS: The Wild World of Dumpster Diving"
"Salamander Facing Extinction Due to E-Commerce!?!"
"YES! NYC Lifts Ban on Beekeeping"
"6 Green Ways to Celebrate DC's Cherry Blossom Festival"
"WATCH: Gorilla Charges National Geographic Crew"

And that's just one random day - often there are MUCH worse ones. Though cute animals falling asleep sure is worthless in a section of HuffPost that's supposed to be about how humans are precipitating the worst climatic disaster on the planet's species since a fucking asteroid killed the dinosaurs. But yeah, baby animals sure are cute when they fall asleep!

I found Mandel's long lost older brother!

Took me several years of searching, but I finally found him:




Turns out he's 22 years older and a tad more attractive. He went to William and Mary College and is now the successful host of some cable TV show that's on daily - "The Everyday Show," or some nonsense like that. You can sure see the relation though:




Well, you can see the relation.

You're welcome Mandel.

Found Porn

One of my favorite guilty pleasures in life are "found porn" pictures. These are seemingly innocuous images of random, everyday things that, when looked at the right way, are hilariously and/or disturbingly sexual. For reference, here's an all-time favorite:


I admit I don't spot these myself too often, which is why the internet is the best thing ever. How else would I indulge the immature 13 year-old still trapped in my brain?

But the beauty of "found porn" is that it appears in places that aren't trying to be sexual. You have to work at finding it, to earn it, and that's why its awesome. Which is why I just can't have any fun looking for it in music videos these days.

Take a look at this video for Lady Gaga's "Love Game." The whole damn thing looks like its either three more seconds or half a bottle of Jack away from turning into an all-out gang bang. And if you're a fan of "found porn," it's just goddamned lazy.

My own Oscars rant + more

Garrett dumped a nice little Oscar rant down on the blog a few days ago and made some decent points.

I would like to make some better ones.

Garrett thought Up in the Air should have beaten out Hurt Locker. I agree that Hurt Locker should not have won best picture, but I think Avatar should have. Up in the Air is relevant to a bad economy, sure, but it's not a best picture. It's a good movie, very crisp West Wing type dialogue, but a best picture is often an epic, sweeping achievement in cinema. George Clooney looking suave and in charge probably stopped being an achievement after he got out of middle school.

Hurt Locker is also good, I left the theater feeling like my soul had been stolen for the duration of the movie, peed and pooped on and then unceremoniously boiled in stanky cheese and lentils. It was powerful, it was awesomely ambiguous on pro or anti war, but it wasn't great. It didn't do anything grand, it was good minutiae.

Avatar though, holy god, the thing was spectacular, the visuals, the language, even the cliched but effective story had some levels to it. It was exactly what a best picture of the year should be. No one is going to give a flying fuck about Hurt Locker next year, hell maybe even after the next Iraq movie (Green Zone, coming out right now) but Avatar will be shown, watched and talked about for a long time. I felt similarly in 2006 when Brokeback lost to Crash, but I may have been wrong.

Anyways, the main thing about watching the Oscars for me was anger.

It makes me angry that anyone, let alone the Academy of Motion Pictures would recognize Sandra Bullock for her acting "talent". Especially in a preachy proselytizing semi racist "sports" movie, give me a break and yes, I would do Meryl Streep even at 60.

This entire "Kanye" moment made me angry, although it was also hilarious since I'm removed from the palpable emotions that the slighted director was surely feeling.

The pre-show interviews made me angry. The interviewers could not have been worse or less funny with their job. They cut people off, tried to buddy up to stars who wanted to leave and finally got gloriously punk'd by Steve Carrell and Tina Fey who just don't give a fuck.

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On some other notes, Karl Rove: What a guy!!!!


I am leaving for Guatemala until the end of the month so I am hoping Drew and other bloggers will emerge from hibernation to keep ze blog humming.

Bet on the lion

If the curious winds of fate ever take you to a situation where virtually any number of unarmed people are preparing to square off against a lion in mortal combat, remember this advice: always bet on the lion.

Requisite Oscar Rant

The Academy Awards were on last night. It was the first time I hadn't watched them in over a dozen years - pretty much since I knew what they even were. Hell, I watched them in China last spring by waking up early and going to a bar. Bars in China don't close and have international cable.

You see I love movies, so being informed about the better offerings and rooting for my fave is always a good sport. It's been a month since the Superbowl, so by this time of the year I'm getting particularly desperate for some form of epic competition.

But I didn't watch them this year because I wanted to go camping and it was just too damn nice outside. And because I knew what the awards would be. That's a problem.

Part of the fun of the Oscars are the upsets, and this year it was pretty clear there weren't going to be any. The only remotely competitive major category (Supporting Actress - Mo' "I'm fucking insane" Nique) still went to the slight favorite.

The 10-film Best Picture category was also utterly ridiculous. There are some years where there are more than five Nominee-caliber films. But this year there were only three, so even nominating five would've been a little pointless and redundant. Anyone can easily pick out the five films that were thrown in to artificially swell the ranks.


All that said, I still reserve the right to bitch about the results I just read about (and saw coming anyway).

The Hurt Locker is probably the best film of this group from a technical/artistic/everything-else angle. But it's not the best film of the year. The best film of 2009 is Up in the Air.

Up in the Air encapsulated the year that was 2009 into a film. It breathed it, it oozed it. Everything that this very special, important, and yet downright painful year to be an American was, Up in the Air expressed it.

The Hurt Locker was excellent, but it's four years too late. It's not what 2009 was all about. It's an artistic documentary of the Iraq War. The whole damn war didn't project any meaning onto 2009. The problem is that Iraq isn't just over, it's also meaningless. It's unimportant. A tragedy, to be sure, but not one that impacts the collective American psyche anymore. Something that took place in the past, but doesn't affect us today. Let's just say it's not Vietnam.

Up in the Air was not as much of a cinematic achievement as The Hurt Locker. Certainly not as much as Avatar (good thing that's not what they give the award for!). But Up in the Air was the best, most important, and definitive film of 2009. Too bad a woman didn't direct it, or it might have won.

The trouble with Terraforming

someone in all their scientific glory is going to forget to put in toilets and people are gonna be walking around shit-assed on Mars.

see, this is what i was talking about, but better said

The other day I was blogging about the olympics and went off on figure skating and ice dancing, how they were not really sports in my opinion. Well it turns out that actually acclaimed sportswriter Dan Wetzel pretty much shares my exact opinion. It's okay Dan, imitation is the highest form of flattery, I'm not offended, I'm honored.