There is a moth.

This moth is flapping against my ceiling. I heard somewhere that moths can detect treasure, so instead of killing the moth, I am used it as a sounding rod to find all the treasure hidden up in my attic. The sad part is, instead of using the attic access, I decided to "dig" for the treasure. Dig up. I put a hole into the ceiling with this sledge hammer I bought online (don't ask, it has to do with zombie preparedness) and sure enough that moth had found all sorts of treasure. Here is a list of things that I found:

- Double-headed calf, frozen in time with the art of taxidermy.
- Collection of stamps featuring the art of Andy Warhol, in an envelope addressed to Andy Warhol and a letter from my grandpa to Andy Warhol saying he wanted his money back for those fucking stamps.
- A pipe with water flowing out of it. Did a check to see if the pipe was some sort of "Pipe of Youth" but alas was still wounded by blade of pocketknife. Sink in kitchen no longer works. 
- A box of fake soccer jerseys.
- A bunch of those lozenge-shaped smooshy pillows that were really popular in airport kiosks for a while.
- A gold-plated human skull with "Ernest Hemingway" stamped onto the forehead. I believe it to be fake, but the jawline is strikingly similar.
- A live monkey in a cage. This was a bit confusing because nobody had been inside the attic for some time. I was about to ask the monkey how it was able to survive for so long but held back because, obviously, monkeys can't talk. The monkey was staring at me and nodding slowly.
- The monkey had in its hand a key. After tricking the monkey to trade a key for an apple (I always carry an apple for monkey tricking emergencies) I found the key opened a large chest in the back of the attic. In the chest was a map of Antarctica, unfrozen, covered with towns, roads, and various landmarks.

So after I found all this weird stuff I of course put it up on Craigslist. I got about $200 for everything when it was all said and done, but I was unable to sell the monkey so I kept it up in the attic. Every once in a while that moth comes back and will "thwap thwap thwap" against the ceiling, but now I don't attribute it to the moth's treasure-finding abilities, but the monkey's mind control abilities.


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