This moth is flapping against my ceiling. I heard somewhere that moths can detect treasure, so instead of killing the moth, I am used it as a sounding rod to find all the treasure hidden up in my attic. The sad part is, instead of using the attic access, I decided to "dig" for the treasure. Dig up. I put a hole into the ceiling with this sledge hammer I bought online (don't ask, it has to do with zombie preparedness) and sure enough that moth had found all sorts of treasure. Here is a list of things that I found:
- Double-headed calf, frozen in time with the art of taxidermy.
- Collection of stamps featuring the art of Andy Warhol, in an envelope addressed to Andy Warhol and a letter from my grandpa to Andy Warhol saying he wanted his money back for those fucking stamps.
- A pipe with water flowing out of it. Did a check to see if the pipe was some sort of "Pipe of Youth" but alas was still wounded by blade of pocketknife. Sink in kitchen no longer works.
- A box of fake soccer jerseys.
- A bunch of those lozenge-shaped smooshy pillows that were really popular in airport kiosks for a while.
- A gold-plated human skull with "Ernest Hemingway" stamped onto the forehead. I believe it to be fake, but the jawline is strikingly similar.
- A live monkey in a cage. This was a bit confusing because nobody had been inside the attic for some time. I was about to ask the monkey how it was able to survive for so long but held back because, obviously, monkeys can't talk. The monkey was staring at me and nodding slowly.
- The monkey had in its hand a key. After tricking the monkey to trade a key for an apple (I always carry an apple for monkey tricking emergencies) I found the key opened a large chest in the back of the attic. In the chest was a map of Antarctica, unfrozen, covered with towns, roads, and various landmarks.
So after I found all this weird stuff I of course put it up on Craigslist. I got about $200 for everything when it was all said and done, but I was unable to sell the monkey so I kept it up in the attic. Every once in a while that moth comes back and will "thwap thwap thwap" against the ceiling, but now I don't attribute it to the moth's treasure-finding abilities, but the monkey's mind control abilities.
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6/30/09
6/25/09
RIP Michael Jackson
Along with Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson died today, although sources were not sure if it was confirmed for awhile, now it is, the weirdest guy ever has passed on to the next life.
6/24/09
Allergies.
Mankind will not be killed by a massive meteor. Mankind will not be killed by numerous nukes. Mankind will not be killed by a vicious virus, or vampiric velociraptors. Mankind will not be killed by smoldering smog. Mankind will not be killed by excessive eating.
Mankind will be killed by allergies. I stare out my glass window at the foe. They float along on small micro-currents of air, backlit and visible on this rare occasion. The air I breathe is full of these allergens, and they are numerous. Seeds, flowers, trees, birds, mammals, stones even. Everything in nature emits fine particulate matter that catches on the gusting summer winds and blows directly into my eye, PAST my $500 Booth & Bruce defense system and directly into my eyeballs.
I will die, suffering, cursing this foe. It is numerous, unrelenting, unliving. It is the planet killing us for our indiscretions. To mother Earth I say in response, do your worst.
Mankind will be killed by allergies. I stare out my glass window at the foe. They float along on small micro-currents of air, backlit and visible on this rare occasion. The air I breathe is full of these allergens, and they are numerous. Seeds, flowers, trees, birds, mammals, stones even. Everything in nature emits fine particulate matter that catches on the gusting summer winds and blows directly into my eye, PAST my $500 Booth & Bruce defense system and directly into my eyeballs.
I will die, suffering, cursing this foe. It is numerous, unrelenting, unliving. It is the planet killing us for our indiscretions. To mother Earth I say in response, do your worst.
6/3/09
NYC Observations, 2
Homeless Ed
"Hello ladies and gentlemen, my name is Homeless Ed. You can call me homeless for short."
This is how Homeless Ed introduces himself on the subway. This is how Homeless Ed begins his long and remarkably articulate speech about why the kind people of the subway should give him some money to get by. Homeless Ed was wearing yellow sweatpants and a pair of sneakers with the backs smashed down, what I like to call the Slipper Conversion. These are sure signs of a man who has ceased to concern himself with the opinions others may have about his wardrobe. This is especially unique for a city like New York, where everyone walks around astutely aware that behind every set of eyes is a potential fashion-oriented judgement. Homeless Ed did not care about what he looked like. Homeless Ed just wanted some money, "or maybe some deodorant, so I can smell human again. Then maybe people will start treating me like a human again." After Homeless Ed made this accurate observation about his appearance and odor, he sobered the speech he was giving. It was obvious Homeless Ed was a smart guy, probably troubled by some mental disease, but he knew he looked horrible. He knew he smelled horrible. He carried his stuff around in trash bags. He just wanted some money, maybe some deodorant, "I love you all, because that's what Jesus would do" he concluded. Homeless Ed got a few bucks, then changed trains. I think he was avoiding the older homeless man who got on at the next stop and started singing Kiss From A Rose by Seal.
"Hello ladies and gentlemen, my name is Homeless Ed. You can call me homeless for short."
This is how Homeless Ed introduces himself on the subway. This is how Homeless Ed begins his long and remarkably articulate speech about why the kind people of the subway should give him some money to get by. Homeless Ed was wearing yellow sweatpants and a pair of sneakers with the backs smashed down, what I like to call the Slipper Conversion. These are sure signs of a man who has ceased to concern himself with the opinions others may have about his wardrobe. This is especially unique for a city like New York, where everyone walks around astutely aware that behind every set of eyes is a potential fashion-oriented judgement. Homeless Ed did not care about what he looked like. Homeless Ed just wanted some money, "or maybe some deodorant, so I can smell human again. Then maybe people will start treating me like a human again." After Homeless Ed made this accurate observation about his appearance and odor, he sobered the speech he was giving. It was obvious Homeless Ed was a smart guy, probably troubled by some mental disease, but he knew he looked horrible. He knew he smelled horrible. He carried his stuff around in trash bags. He just wanted some money, maybe some deodorant, "I love you all, because that's what Jesus would do" he concluded. Homeless Ed got a few bucks, then changed trains. I think he was avoiding the older homeless man who got on at the next stop and started singing Kiss From A Rose by Seal.
6/2/09
NYC Observations, 1
Sorry I've been so long departed my beloved blog, but I was working my butt off in preparation for a much-needed vacation to New York City. I just arrived home from the Big Apple, and I'll get back into the groove of things by sharing some funny observations in the form of brief and cleverly titled short essays.
The Mystery Spots
While strolling through the crowded and wet streets of a foggy New York, I noticed more and more often some anomalous spots of "stuff" splattered onto walls in the subways, on the streets, and even in bathrooms. I say "stuff" because no material I have come into contact with in my 25 years of existence has possessed the properties of these mystery spots. One spot hung in defiance of gravity from a wall in Brooklyn, resembling a hardened pile of brown Jello pudding. Another spot was across the subway tracks, and looked like a troll with a cold sneezed out the entire contents of its lungs. Another spot posessed some geometric properties, yet had the distinct appearance that it was melting, kind of like that stuff you make in elementary school out corn starch and water that is both a solid and a liquid. Needless to say I immediately contemplated all the unseen mystery spots that existed around the city, and stopped using the handrails and started flushing urinals with my shoe.
The Mystery Spots
While strolling through the crowded and wet streets of a foggy New York, I noticed more and more often some anomalous spots of "stuff" splattered onto walls in the subways, on the streets, and even in bathrooms. I say "stuff" because no material I have come into contact with in my 25 years of existence has possessed the properties of these mystery spots. One spot hung in defiance of gravity from a wall in Brooklyn, resembling a hardened pile of brown Jello pudding. Another spot was across the subway tracks, and looked like a troll with a cold sneezed out the entire contents of its lungs. Another spot posessed some geometric properties, yet had the distinct appearance that it was melting, kind of like that stuff you make in elementary school out corn starch and water that is both a solid and a liquid. Needless to say I immediately contemplated all the unseen mystery spots that existed around the city, and stopped using the handrails and started flushing urinals with my shoe.
6/1/09
Ten Toes Takaki surfs on to the great beyond
Remember our graduation speaker Ronald Takaki? That guy who talked about surfing and his book? Well, he died.
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