Where are Wii going, daddy? Why isn't mommy coming?

I like to browse Craigslist ads when I don't have anything better to do, which is pretty much all day now that I've quit my day job and I'm living off selling old stuff I own. I was sniffing around the wanted section to see if there was a person who just so happened to desire a 12" tall plastic skeleton (It's a collector's item!) or a weapon-ready black Maglite flashlight. No takers, but I did find a gem of an ad posted by a man who wants to trade his Nintendo Wii for a car. Now, I think it's a bit of a stretch to begin with, asking for a vehicle that can be used as transportation and not for planting a garden in the engine. The Wii retails for $250 but it has been sold out of most major retailers since Christmas, which initially had Wii's selling for exorbitant amounts, but since the holidays have subsided and the reality of the economic recession is hitting people, new Wii's are going for around $300-$350. This guy has a used Wii with 3 games, so lets assume the games drive the value back up to that of a new Wii. What kind of a car can you get for $350? A car in a field that doesn't run, that's what kind of car. Mr. Salesman here not only wants a running vehicle that doesn't have a ground squirrel nest in the front passenger seat, he wants a car with "good gas mileage." We all know that if you want good gas mileage on the cheaps, there is only one way to go:

aww dang it!

Goddamn if news like this doesn't scare the bejesus out of me!

The thing at the end about six nukes "accidentally" being flown to the wrong place is especially troubling...

I hate emo kids too, but this...

So in Mexico City "Anti-Emo Kid Riots" have been breaking out, with "rockabilly and punk" kids facing off again the doe-eyed crybabies.

This will end horribly.

Inside the minds of The Monstro

Drew and I were talking recently on the medium of the internet, just kinda riffin' it up about current events, when our brain matter slowly started to heat and ideas went from fetal, to bigger fetal, if you are a huge dork or severely on either of our nuts give this a read.

Drew: I'm so sick of the Democratic race

so sick of it.

me: hahah, yeah electoral fatigue is setting in

Drew: nobody cares anymore. all the positive energy there was in the beginning has turned to bitterness

Clinton is a fucking viper now

win on your own merits, not on tearing down the other candidate.

me: yeah

i mean they are both pretty incredible candidates

i like obama more

obviously but it's too bad they are running in the same cycel

Drew: politics is for the birds

nevermind

politicians are for the birds.

me: ahaha

you are capable of wild swings

Drew: i saw a great comic in the independent newspaper here

it was of a totally destroyed convertible

and it had tattered american flags hanging from it

and the caption said "only the Democrats could screw up a one car parade"

me: so true

Drew: ah what are we to do

except organize and overthrow?

double O

me: orgasm

Drew: dude have you seen the previews for the new HBO series

John Adams

with Paul Giamatti

me: yea

Drew: I want to edit the trailer

and when it says "John Adams" at the end replace it with "Who the fuck was John Adams?!"

me: dude

that looks ridiculous

those really old historical biopics

are ridiculous

Drew: the dude who plays Ben Franklin looks good

me: ahaha, I mean I know WHO he was, but not that much about him, apparently he was really interesting though

really aristocratic to Jefferson's more down to earth

they sparred their whole lives, and died the same day, July 4

pretty legendary

Drew: or have it say "John Adams" "...wait, was he that guy that lost to Ali in the Congo?"

me: ahahaaaa

Drew: just do a whole series

ha ha

me: that's funny

Drew: ..."didn't he write that song from the Robin Hood movie?"

me: legit funny

"john adams....guy makes damn good peanut butter"

Drew: "...his Uncle Fester was fuckin weird as hell though."

me: john adams...cooks a mean STD"

me: john adams...deodorant for the 18th century.Drew: john adams...posthumously supports Barack Obama.

me: ahaha

obama should do that

just some hella funny ads

stop all this serious shit

Drew: that would be great dude!

isn't obama doing some grassroots video thing?

that's what we'll do, Gus and I me: ahaha

get tons of dead peple to endorese him

Drew: we'll have Sam costume up as all these historical figures in a really silly way, and have them all be posthumous support ads

me: ahahhaa

brilliant!

Drew: i'm Ben Franklin. I'm pretty sure I invented beer and lightning. That pretty much makes me a viking.

"Ben Franklin and Vikings support Barack Obama"

me: i mean these are gold

Drew: just keep a log of any ideas you have

me: i'm jefferson davis, the only president of the confederacy ever, therefore by endorsiing Barack Obama, the entire confederacy endorses him

I'm Martin Van Buren, Franklin Pierce, John Tyler, and James Buchanan, together we were about as effective and well known as one minor president, we endorse Barack Obama, giving him the presidential seal of approval

Drew: I'm Dwight Eisenhower. When I was elected, a lot of people confused me with George Patton. That's probably why I won. You've got it easy. Barack Obama looks nothing like a woman. Unless you put a wig on him. Then I bet he'd look real pretty. I'm Dwight Eisenhower and I endorse Barack Obama.

me: I'm Eli Whitney, inventor of the cotton gin, I know something about progress, and cotton, therefore I endorse wearing comfortable clothes and Barack Obama

Drew: I also endorse Under Armour. It's not cotton, but it has made tights cool again, which is OK in my book.

me: ahah I'm King Charlemagne and I know a little something about what it's like to rule the masses with a funny name. Any guy who can do it without guillotines and intimidation gets my support. Vote Barack Husesein Obama

Drew: I'm Stephen Hawking. I'm the smartest human being on the planet. Possibly the smartest human being ever in existence. One time, Barack Obama beat me at Scrabble with the word "huckleberry." Vote Barack Obama, or else I will trigger my Black Hole Machine.

me: I'm Gusen McFedries, I'm the drunk son of a bitch who touches your daughters in my trailer park dreams. One day I had a vision of purity and the next day I woke up passed out on a Time Magazine with Obama on it and instead of puking on his newspring face I just started crying and kissing him. Vote Obama. Save my soul, and your daughters ass.

newsprint Drew: I'm Julius Caesar. I was brutally murdered in the Senate chamber of ancient Rome because some said I was a tyrant. Let's try to avoid that debate altogether by electing Barack Obama as president.

I have saved this conversation. I am off to lunch with mom, but keep those wheels turning.

later

me: I'm Ron Jeremy and you might be thinking 'but he's not dead' however my penis has been my life blood and now I can't see it over my gut and it is bored with getting up for work every morning. Barack Obama is not any of these things. Lean, fit, energetic, and not a porn star, washed up or otherwise. Vote for him and then go fuck yourself, or someone else, anyone but me.



now Obama has got it locked up...thank god.

Wine and Cheese for Neil Gaiman PART 2

Wine and Cheese for Neil Gaiman
A Blogue Post in Two Parts
Part the Second: The Enjoying of the Cheese

Although I did not actually meet Neil Gaiman or witness him eating the cheese, he was apparently very pleased. The director's assistant told me that Neil said "What was that goaty one? I ate the whole thing!" which is a total sign of enjoyment. Because I was gone on a run during his signing and cheese eating, a Coraline poster was signed for me by Neil.

It says "Jumanji, Dream! Neil Gaiman"

What will I be playing into?

I have taken to playing a lot of softball.

I play on men's and co-ed rec league teams in Berkeley and San Francisco and have a lot of fun doing it. Recently, one of the guys I play with who is in law school found out about softball games that sometimes go down at San Quentin Prison which is just across the Golden Gate Bridge from SF. Apparently the non-death row inmates (they also have that there!) who are well behaved get to organize a softball team and outsiders can come play them. So a bunch of us are going to do this in early April which should be a totally fucking crazy experience. We've already had to submit our social security numbers and drivers license numbers for screening by the prison and will be given extensive searches when we get there. This is in addition to the fact that most everyone on the team is a small-ish dorky Jewish guy. We are going to be playing dudes who lift weights every hour they can and might want to hurt us for our freedom.

Then I read this.

Now that we've added the guards and steroids and orgies to the mix I'm way more pumped.

Singapore Raps!

Why can't Corporate America be as cool as Corporate Singapore?

I Will Be Fighting Them In A War.

So the call girl of ex-governor of New York Eliot Spitzer has gotten her MySpace profile page back. According to Wired.com it had been accidentally deleted for a few days by the MySpace gang because of the unusually high amount of traffic that wanted to hear what shitty hip-hop sounded like when performed by one of the most expensive whores money can buy.

After I visited the site I noticed a few things. First I noticed how ironic it was that this girl was getting paid thousands of dollars per night but she has a MySpace profile picture that was edited with MS fucking Paint. I'm surprised the little sun behind her head doesn't have a poorly scrawled smiley face on it. Then I thought that Eliot Spitzer must be a huge X-Men fan, because his whore looks a lot like Famke Janssen who plays Jean Grey in the X-Men movies:

The only difference is that Jean Grey has awesome telepathic and telekinetic powers, and Ashley Alexandra Dupre' has poorly produced hip-hop and a future bleaker than Monica Lewinsky's.

Finally I noticed all the comments on her profile. All hugely supportive and provided almost exclusively by the subject matter of one of the greatest websites on the internet, Hot Chicks With Douce Bags. If you visit her site you will notice what I am talking about. Mainly that all the positive comments are from silicone-injected fat-lipped Dolly Parton scarecrows or jersey-wearing fake-baked Christian Dior-shaded scrote clowns.

Obviously any negative comments would be quickly removed...but one has to assume that the douche bags' comments on this girl's profile must be sincere, or at least driven by some misguided hope they hold in their tiny brains that maybe a supportive comment on the profile will mean they get a "One Free Screw" coupon in the mail courtesy of Ms. Dupre' for their "kind words."

Then I thought darker thoughts. These men, these "others," so alien from my mentality and temperament, will not simply differ in political views and goals, but they will likely be aggressively opposed to my beliefs. If it came down to it, I will be fighting them in a fucking war.

Well, let's resurrect Abe Lincoln and start fighting the great MySpace war of 2008. It's about friggin' time.

Wine & Cheese for Neil Gaiman

Wine and Cheese for Neil Gaiman
A Blogue Post in Two Parts
By Matt Jumago

Part 1: The Drawing of the Wine and Cheese

I am a runner at the Portland, OR based animation studio Laika. Their current project is titled Coraline and is being directed by Henry Selick, who adapted the script from a children's story by acclaimed comic book author Neil Gaiman. Last week, on one of my many runner runs, I was taking one of the director's assistants to the airport. We got to talking and she learned about my interest in food and wine. This morning she asked me to put together a gift basket featuring northwest wine and cheese for Gaiman, who will be visiting the studio at an undisclosed time next week. I am excited. Hopefully he likes the stuff I picked out. Part 2 will come next week when I try to discern what he thought of my selections.

Eat. Pray, go fuckin fuck yourself fucker!

Yeah shit I am pissed, I have to be alive everyday trying to pretend we all carve out some sort of unique human niche existence and I am riding BART to work or walking to get groceries or sitting in a coffee shop or just fucking picking humdingers out of my bumdigger and no matter where I go, no matter what I do (I see the same ho, 2pac, what, i know represent) I cannot stop seeing with their shit-faces buried in this motherfucking book. This book has become the Tamagotchi for sad, adults in need of hope for life-affirming middle age moments not involving diapers. Whoever this woman, Elizabeth Gilbert is, I wish she had never learned to write or read, because now her life is ruining mine.

I guess it's not that big a deal though, I've never read the book, maybe it's alright.

Weirdest news of the day (at least)

This wins by a mile!

If You Can't Riff

I was reading an article on my trustworthy news outlet Wired.com about an interview with the young founder of Facebook Mark Zuckerberg that went terribly wrong at some uninteresting internet blah conference in Texas. Let me summarize the atmosphere from the information I gathered from the article:

1) The keynote speaker sucked.
2) The person interviewing the keynote speaker sucked.
3) The audience sucked.

I was tempted to add "4) The conference sucked" but I don't want to go that far. I'm sure that the presentation by the creators of online web chat platform meebo was just flat-out CAPTIVATING.

The article got me thinking about how many times I have heard a similar story. Some tech-oriented person turns out to lack communication skills. Big freakin' surprise, am I right? I think the audience got so aggressive because they were expecting Mark Zuckerberg to not only be a prodigy in technology, but a prodigy in life. They wanted the Teddy Roosevelt of Web 2.0.

The internet, God bless it, makes orators out of none.

Comic Book Movie Update!

Quick Note

Confirmed and Cast: The next X-Men Movie, working title "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" will feature Gambit and Deadpool(!)

Gambit is a popular character whom fans have been wanting to see in the films since day one. Deadpool is a bizarre Weapon X mistake. He will be played by romantic comedy "Definitely, Maybe" 's Ryan Reynolds. I could not make this shit up.

Leap Day Meltdown!

I hope all the Monstro Blog readers had a nice leap day and got to take advantage of the extra day this year to do all those things they bitch about never having enough time for.

Alright, well now that I beat off EVEN more than usual...

Oh, wait, this is a whole free day, hang on a sec...

Anyways, what's up?  This dude has a fucking meltdown!