Tower of Babel

I'm convinced men and women speak different languages entirely, not just Venusian and Martian dialects of the same English. At least, our perceptions and understandings of the world sure are amazingly disparate.

In a moment of passion this weekend (note: undergrads really are the best thing about grad school) I relived all the excitement and awkwardness of a highschool hookup on my way to 2nd base with this cute young thing. Shirts were long gone and she had just shimmied out of her skin-tight jeans.

Then it happened: communication breakdown.

Her first words after the pants came down: "My necklace is turning you on, isn't it? I know it's pretty."

Um, what? Sweetie, I wasn't aware you were even wearing a necklace until it stood out as the last thing you had on. Let's review: your naked body is lying before me, and you think the reason I'm so excited is because there are some beads hanging from your neck?

The pursuit of the naked female form is one of the biggest drivers of men in all of human history. It's why millions of guys work jobs they don't like. It's why Victoria's Secret posted $5.6 billion dollars in revenue last year (they sell necklaces there, too, but I'm willing to bet those didn't account for much of that number). It's pretty much why all the Renaissance paintings were made. To quote an excellent 1997 film it's "why cavemen painted on walls." Millions of years of human evolution have made this moment a man's Holy Grail.

And yet an apparently normal woman thinks it's superseded by some polished rocks on a string?

If we can't get on the same page about something as fundamental - as downright primal - as this, how in the hell are we ever supposed to really communicate? How do I know that what I'm thinking about and trying to communicate to a woman via words isn't just being converted into something COMPLETELY off once it hits her ears? And vice versa: what am I missing - and how badly am I missing it - when women are trying to talk to me?

Methinks there's a surprisingly high chance that we're all just obliviously talking past one another.

What a deal!

Passed a cafe today that had a "$4.95 lunch special" which included a sandwich and a "free drink".

Unfortunately, I was hoping the drink would cost $4.95 and the sandwich would be free, then I would have purchased it.

When I retire from professional sports and open up a car dealership I'm going to offer free cars with the $17,900 cup-holders.

Spicing up academia

Sometimes academia gets a bum rap for being staid and stale. However, when two math professors get in a dispute and one pees on the door of the other, well shit, that's what I'm talking about!

Now if only I was mathematically inclined enough to figure out what that argument could have been centered around...

Since I operate at around 6th grade level math I'll have to assume they were bickering about women in terms of lowest common denominators, these are math professors we're talking about.

people are proud of their stereotypes

So this article recently dropped in the local paper which cites a study claiming that San Francisco has become the 11th gayest city in the country. San Francisco loves its gays so an uproar ensued as people found holes in the scientific method used to make this claim.

In other news, holy shit is this woman a fucking idiot. Just watch the video, goddam Tea Party, this is your answer for America. And as Anderson Cooper says in the video as he tears her a new GOP-red asshole, the scary thing is, people listen to her and her ilk. Glenn Beck repeatedly does the same shit completely reinterpreting solid historical facts and spinning them to hell and back to support their agenda. What I would like someone to do is make an outrageous claim like, "America was actually founded by Belgian colonists" and then when everyone looks at them with confusion they just say, "history? It's up for grabs. Were you there? Didn't think so, so shut up and get off your high, literate horse."

And in the least shocking news ever reported, a study found that the beef in Taco Bell tacos is not really beef. My digestive system confirmed this in 1994, idiots.

2011

2011 has just begun and I can't wait for it to be over. According the Amish the world is supposed to end next year, but I have to wait the gestation period of a blue whale before I can expect anything to start exploding. There are two blue whales having sex somewhere off Easter Island (this is a romantic spot for whales I am told) and right when that baby whale swims for the first time, everyone living on land is going to be panicing and murdering each other because their credit cards don't work and Facebook won't let them upload pictures from their smartphones. There will be Banana Republics burning to the ground. It will be like the end of "Fight Club" except that the weird woman who is married to Tim Burton won't be there. 

The worse thing about 2010 was gauge earrings. This fashion style is so played out it isn't even funny. If you aren't a seven-foot Masai warrior about to kill a lion with a spear, your gauges make you look like an asshole. Peace!

Arkansas wildlife looks around and realizes some profound truths about Arkansas

I can't help but notice that in the last few days birds and fish have decided to spontaneously die in Arkansas. Wildlife officials are supposedly "investigating" these incidents. I have an idea, save that money you were going to use on the investigation and pump it into schools, youth programs, health care, shit, anything because what happens when the other wildlife in Arkansas also wises up and decides it just ain't worth it?