The face of hell

People often talk about wicked hangovers, well yesterday I had one (thanks to three fellow monstronauts, a poker game and a dive bar in the city). Luckily I had my camera with me so a picture could be snapped just after I watered down a local sidewalk. These things are real people, look into its eyes.

Awesome news of the day

I just realized the for the last few months the acting president of Nigeria has been a guy named Goodluck Jonathan!

Censorship has a price- my fury and wrath!

My buddy Dru Johnston has got a publicity stunt going where he makes a new blog, every day, for a year and recently he asked me to take a turn at guest-blogging so he could rest his tired bones (blogging is hard work people!) Despite my supreme and unfaltering loyalty to this miracle blog I took some to dump some serious knowledge (link to the blog is in that link) and part one entry featured a photo a guy from my camp who paid to shit in my toilet and shit out a log that when you zoom in on the photo it looks like a dragon! That is one in a million in so many ways! Anyways, Dru said I could write whatever I wanted for my guest blog but then he fucking censored my fucking dragon poop photo! If that isn't the biggest pile of horseshit since the dragonshit then I don't even know what to say. What a fuckin soft sacked piece of wuss ass. His only reason was his "readers" couldn't handle it. As someone who has been blogging diligently for 5 years I can say that "readers" don't so much "exist". Then he said he wanted to turn his year of blogging into a coffee table book and this wouldn't fly. I actually can't think of anything related to coffee without instantly also thinking of the shitting it immediately induces. Also, I was on TheatreSports at Whitman with Dru and I can tell you this bullshit hypocrisy runs deep because was the ONLY PERSON to make MORE POOP JOKES THAN ME was Dru! In honor of my remaining manhood and Dru's total and utter emasculation I will publish the forbidden photo here, on a blog among blogs, a beacon of hope for free expression and free speech in a world of increasing darkness. Monstro Blog I will never leave you again.


edit: I just realized if you click on the photo you can see the dragon in much fuller detail, eyes, tuft, tail and all!

You Embarrass Your Ancestors

So, every now and then I think about how disappointed my ancient forebears must be in me. I mean, the other day I couldn't find the remote after I had sat down on the couch - and I was actually upset. Shit, my great-great-great-great-great-(27 more 'great's)-grandparents had to hunt down wooly mammoths with sticks and rocks all while defending their tribe from sabertooth tigers.

But, sometimes I don't feel so bad. You see, in Man's march to the top of the food/PlayStation/everything chain, we brought along a few other wild animals with us. And if you think we've become worthless, get a load of what we've done to these poor, pathetic creatures:

YOU CAME FROM THIS FOR GODSAKES!!!















WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!?!?!?!?

Guitar Kitteh @ Yahoo! Video

Pathetic cats, just pathetic. Now I see where the dismissive call-out "pussy" comes from.


On another note, I'm changing a tire on a NASCAR racer tomorrow with an impact wrench. I can't wait. Wish me luck and mullet-power.

Olympic Observations

It's Winter Olympics time and let me just say, "I love the Olympics." There, I said it.

I'm sure many of my cynical contemporaries think it's cool to hate on the Olympics, well, it's not. The Olympics stand for many great things, even if in the end sports often bring out bad sides of people and don't hold a candle to more pressing issues.

I also realized a hierarchy in my interest of olympic sports. The ones I prefer the most are the races that have multiple people in them. Short track speedskating, snowboard cross, nordic skiiing (that was an epic race!) ones like those where there is true in the moment competition happening. That to me is what sports are all about. Next are the events where it is person vs. clock. It's not quite as cool but there is something awesome about the singular moment of a man racing against a clock. Last is the events where it is all up to judges, the inherently subjective nature just rubs me the wrong way, also it's pretty common that things that seem awesome to me are not impressive to judges and things that look bad or dumb to me are rewarded so for me there's a real disconnect there.

Also, figure skating, what the fuck! I guess as a kid I just drank the kool-aid that figure skating was cool but now it barely registers as a sport. Anything with that much focus on costumes and music is not my fucking cup of tea. I acknowledge I'd quickly be in an ER if I tried some of their moves but I can't get over the silky sequins and dramatic Requiem for a Dream music dominating the event, which on top of all that, is judge-based.

On a related and hilariously awesome note, my friend Nora started this blog which celebrates the glory of spandex and appearance in the Olympics, things that I could give two shits about, further proof that we're all beautifully different snowflakes fluttering around on this diverse earth-sphere.

The anticipation killed me

I recently watched this video of a woman cuddling with a so-called elephant seal. I have to say I was disappointed, I found it very cute and also a little disturbing. I say this because when I see a video like this I fully expect the dipshit to get mauled and eaten kind of like chimp woman but here, alas, nothing happens.

Normally I would want those 5-6 minutes of my life back, but something magical did happen here.

A while ago, on this blog I believe, although I can't find the link anymore, I proposed an idea for a TV show that would show different animals pooping, and at the 1:12 mark in this video, dump goes the penguin!

Insecure about something there?

As I left the subway this morning there was someone handing out free samples of Nestle instant coffees. Without thinking (or even being a coffee drinker) I grabbed a pack and brought them to my office. I unwrapped them to find such blends as "Hazelnut Gourmet" "Decaf Gourmet" "Colombian Gourmet" and so on. The last one I opened was "Gourmet Roast Gourmet" and it made me think, how many times do you really need to call something gourmet to convince people it is really, truly a "gourmet" product. Gourmet, also, apparently is the most incorrectly used word ever!

What running a half marathon with an injured foot and poor training looks like

You wake up at 5 in the morning, eat some food and take a picture of yourself.

You get photographed by a website called sweatysmile.com at mile 9.




You chafe your nipple to a hellish pulp and you say what up to Charon.


Then you are done


Then you go to a super bowl party and get real relaxed

Anyone else with me?

The super bowl ads sucked this year. Sucked ass. Real rotten smelly ass. The only one that made me laugh at all was the Volkswagen commercial at the end with Tracy Morgan and Stevie Wonder. The Google ad was cool until it went way too far and made me think the next search might be "how to kill yourself when joy in life is gone"

Glory

I think the jury is still out on a lot of things (for example, is this guy dead or sleeping?) and one thing that is still vexing me is whether or not we are really rational creatures.

I'll get personal here. I've been training since December for a half marathon that is happening this coming Sunday. Last Sunday, a mere week before the race I was on my last long training run, going about 10.5 miles. Through the sheer force of Mandel-ian bad luck I hurt my foot on that run and have since been hobbling around but did not break my foot. Therefore I am hoping to still complete the half marathon on Sunday.

I have been getting an unbelievable amount of shit from my largely over-protective, unadventurous, motherly co-workers (not to stereotype or judge) about how dumb it is to run, how I'll hurt myself worse, blah blah blah.

While I admit they might have some points and being totally reckless is not cool, I think there is something to be said for pushing through adversity to achieve something that doesn't necessarily seem possible. This is no doubt not totally rational, if my foot is sprained, strained, whatever then it is probably best to rest it, but rational wouldn't get us anywhere. Maybe I shouldn't breathe because it could strain my lungs, maybe I shouldn't pick up any objects because of the negative effect it will have on my back. Maybe I shouldn't eat because pretty all food makes you fat and causes cancer these days, (except food from here, amazing place), point is, the default towards caution pisses me off. I've been growing my hair and beard for months, running occasionally, I'm going to do this and if I'm sore and limp around for a few weeks afterward then so what, I'm (sadly) not a hunter-gatherer needing to use my body everyday for survival.

Finally, confirmation!

I believe our efforts to get female readers to this blog perennially stall. Why this is remains an answer beyond me in the murky ether. Perhaps they are intimidated by our good looks or possibly our uncanny intellect and wit. However, I want to ask our female fans to return to us, topless. This might seem like the request of a fuckhead but really it is a just a plea for help. Finally, what I have known for years has been BACKED UP BY SCIENCE so please, help the men of the monstro blog lead long, healthy and happy lives.

Things that had to be done

I am posting. I do this often but this time it is solely to move Garrett's post further down the window so I don't have to look at it anymore. Just the sheer amount of words hurt my brain, all of our brains, our collective brain. The universe of academia is like the guy who works at home all day in his sweat pants (me today) just furiously beating off over and over (uhhh) again. The self pleasure is only matched by the potent solitude of the discoveries. Hours are slaved over papers and projects that will see at most 5 sets of eyes and yet education is the best hope for the world? Am I missing something here? I have seen some scary roosters, big red gobbles and claws going out of the back of the leg, there for no other purpose than to destroy things and I have stared them in the eye, both of us blinking at each other and felt nothing but as Werner Herzog would say, "the cold indifference of nature" what is it to me? Something. :Mission Accomplished, double O Seven O Canada Winter Olympics Michael Phelps Bong Rips Legalize it Peter Tosh

Cap and Trade: the advantages of a market-based regulatory structure given that CO2 is an externality with a steep marginal social benefits curve

Hahahahahahaha, gotcha! :)

Don't worry, I'm not going to write a damn word about that crap. I just wanted to share with y'all the title of my "CO2 tax vs. cap and trade" policy memo due this Thursday.

Kill me.