Wine is not badass.

As I sit at my hourly wage job doing a particularly fine job at earning every single penny, I have the opportunity to contemplate my surroundings rather thoroughly. I work at a wine shop, so often when I contemplate, I contemplate wine. Today I am sitting and swirling some warm, boozy swill around the glass and I realized that most people are very snobby about this rather placid form of alcohol. I call wine "placid" because while it is elegant, sophisticated, and complex, it lacks the punch of reeling intoxication that other forms of fermented beverage produce.

Alcohol makes people do stupid, questionable, and sometimes dangerous things. Truth, spoken by me and experienced by anyone who has ever woken up on ceramic tile. Now I love wine, don't get me wrong, but there isn't a present danger with wine intoxication like there is with other forms of booze. You never see a man being beaten to shit by the cops and have someone lean in and tell you "he had too much Merlot tonight." Even if you WANTED to drink enough Merlot to make you want to fight the cops, you couldn't physically accomplish it. You would start drinking, get loud, get drunk, then if you drank too much you would throw up. That is all that happens with wine. You don't beat in your TV with a bat, you don't try to have sex with a couch, you don't call ex-girlfriends and scream at them on the phone. With wine, you either drink enough to have fun, or you drink too much and spit up like a baby.

Can you imagine if Slash from Guns N' Roses spit Zinfandel all over the crowd at a concert instead of Jack Daniels? Can you imagine if at a tailgate party they served a Riesling instead of Bud Light? Can you imagine if Neil Armstrong landed on the moon drunk on wine instead of gin? Not me, and I don't want to imagine it. Wine is many things, but wine will never be badass or dangerous. Wine is served in a glass with a stem, and this is why it is weak.