Of Great Stature

While I was stretching my limbs in yoga class this morning, I noticed with dismay that I was the only member of the class that had their feet sticking off the edge of the mat. This morning, I woke with them poking out from underneath my comforter. Yesterday while I was browsing at a used clothing store in Boise, I was dismayed to find that all shirts that fit my torso were too long for my arms, and shirts long enough for my arms fit me like a mumu. This is a brief list of burdens that claim penalty upon my life for being tall.

I am, however, pretty lucky for a tall person. I live on the semi-convenient edge of the tall world. I live in the height suburbs on the north side of town.

At 6'4", my legs are just short enough that all major clothing manufaturers find it worth their time and money to make pants long enough for me. My size 13 feet are small enough that every brand of shoe extends me the honor of being the largest size they make. I can fit (though uncomoftably) in a regular row on an airline. I can drive a compact car manufactured in Asia.

What am I complaining about? Nothing, I guess.

Monstro Blog Series- The LA Tennis challenge DAY 3

Wednesday was Day 3 of my preparation for the LA tennis challenge against my friend David and I've started to make big strides. Here are some highlights:

- I hit TENNIS BALLS with a TENNIS RACKET on a TENNIS COURT last night with my friend, although since I only have one racket he had to use a racquetball racket but still, I was crushing some nice groundstrokes, feeling much better than I thought I would. My serves were okay in one direction and pretty good the other way. All in all I felt much better on the court than I thought, I think Dave might be in real trouble.

- I started preparing for waking up before 6am on match day in order to make it to Long Beach by going to bed before 11pm last night which, of course, made me more tired this morning than when I usually roll until like 1 in the morning but I'm going to assume that somewhere in my internal body bank I'm paying off sleep debt.

- In this time of widespread Swine Flu panic (oh my god 109 cases out of 300 million Americans!) I am flying to LA, which is close to Mexico, which is close to the epicenter of the storm. This series might then spawn another series called "Monstro Blog presents: Mandel live swine flu symptom blog" which might significantly bump up our readership so I fully intend to sit next to the sneezing,hacking coughing phlegmy fat person on the flight.

- Today and tomorrow I'll be doing more court practice as well so all I can say is that this is going to be the match of the century, I'm getting that plane ticket paid for and I'm prepared to die on the court!

Monstro Blog series: The LA tennis challenge -- Day 2

It is day 2 of my training for Saturday's tennis showdown in LA.

I rode in a car with someone recently back from Mexico. Can you say swine flu!

I played a game of softball without getting pegged in the leg again.

I watched born 2 ride double fault three times.

I'm getting there.

Stay tuned.

Wine for lunch.

You know it is a slow day at work when you are counting the seconds to noon so that you can pop open a bottle of wine. This is the inherent benefit of working part time in a wine shop; when there isn't work to be done, there is always drinking to be done. I have to keep myself updated on the progression of all the fine wines that we offer, and I have to stay on top of the ever-shifting nuances of my palate. If I burned my tongue eating Sezchuan noodles for lunch yesterday, I might taste a distinct vanilla finish on our 2003 Cabernet Sauvignon that eluded me because my taste buds were undamaged and another flavor overwhelmed them. Ha! Just kidding. I'm drinking wine at noon, who cares what it tastes like?

Here's the Pandora station I listen to while I'm drinking wine at noon instead of eating a traditional American lunch. I call it Gotta Jazz radio. Try skipping your sandwich for today, grabbing a glass of wine, and listening to this station. I guess you could eat the sandwich afterwards, if you're still hungry.

Monstro Blog series: The LA tennis challenge --INTRO and DAY 1

Okay before I get going on this I want to put a shout-out to Drew's awesome post from a few days ago, throwing some poo-bombs at power in a manner of eloquence I only hope to conjure in rare feverish fits.
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Okay so some shit has gone down, I may have lost my mind and I am flying to LA on Saturday morning and returning that night to play my friend David in a best of three set tennis match. We've both been talking some shit for awhile, I used to be able to beat David all the time but now he plays in some rec league all the time and I never play at all so the odds may be stacked against me. The wager is obviously mainly pride (dumb, dumb, foolish, amazing pride) but also the $118.20 cost of my plane tickets on Saturday. I arrive around 8am and leave at 8pm giving us enough time for a warm up, two hours of tennis then getting really fucked up and going to the beach and then me getting back.

So, can I win the match or will I eat the cost of the plane tickets!?! This riveting tale will play out over the blog.

Day 1 report: Okay, the challenge was cemented around 5pm at the end of work on Gchat (Google give me money if I lose) and I locked up my friend Josh to hit tennis balls with me Thursday and Friday nights to sharpen up my stroke, I went to Walgreens and bought 4 new, fresh tennis balls. Then I had a softball game and managed to get pegged in the left ankle by a relay throw from the outfield, GODDAMIT. Whatever, I lifted some 15 pound weights ten times did some crunches and pushups and stretched. I now have 4 more days to ready myself for battle. Stay tuned.

Swine Flu? Mine FLU!

I've been hearing a lot of hoo-ha about Swine Flu and I ain't no doctor or nothing but if it means snorting occasionally and having bad manners I've had that shit for years, everyone needs to chill, wash their hands and eat bacon!

Join, or Die.

I don't know if any of you readers keep up with the times, or if there are any readers left even, but I saw something disturbing happening during these so-called "tea parties" that had conservative-types massing in the hundreds to protest...well...something. I heard a few ignorant people rambling about "no taxation without representation" which shows that maybe we should be teaching US History in high school with more depth than a PowerPoint and catch phrases. Aside from the obvious fact that all these angry, confused people do, in fact, have representation they went further by pissing me off. They pissed me off by adopting one of the greatest flags in the long history of political revolutions by taking on the famous "Don't Tread on Me":

That flag is NOT about being upset that democracy functioned properly and you are simply unhappy with the results. Not only do these damn fools have absolutely no clue that sometimes democracy functions in such a way that you don't always have representation in your favor, they now somehow are of a mind that they're being oppressed by...well democracy I guess. 9 million votes in favor of their opposition means the system has failed? This country isn't becoming socialist just because the conservatives lost an election. YOU LOST AN ELECTION. No, the system hasn't failed. The system worked.

Grow the fuck up and give that flag back to people who understand the value of true democracy, which is getting over yourself and your differences and working towards a common goal. I've got another flag for the these tea-baggers, and I suggest they take heed of the 9 million voices that out-cried their own during the last election:


It is not a liberal "issue" to want change. It is not liberal to want war to end, to want the hungry fed, and to want nature preserved. It is not liberal to want criminals punished, guns in safe hands, and equal rights granted to all. It is not liberal to want kids educated, workers rights, and the rich taxed. It is not liberal to encourage trade, diplomacy, and peace with foreign countries. It is not liberal to want to abolish ignorance, racism, greed, and hate.

It is American, and beyond that, it is human. It is an ongoing hope that you and the person next to you can live their life to its fullest, in their own way. It is not liberal, it is what this country was founded on. Those of us who understand this finally took the country back, and I will be damned if you whiney conservatives with your ignorant chanting and idiotic banners are going to crawl out from under those rocks you scurried to after the Republican party abandoned you.

It is time to build this country up rather than break it down. Our flag, not yours.

Join, or die.

people would watch this

It is 301am and I may be developing clinical insomnia, there are only informercials on and I just had the most fucking killer idea.

A tv show that shows different species of animals pooping.

Now a lot of people wouldn't admit to watching a show like this, in fact many would feign public disgust but then the Nielsen Ratings would drop and the secret would be out. Admit it.

It takes guts

I had the rare privilege of having dinner with Holocaust survivors last night in honor of Holocaust Remembrance Day and each year at this point means there are fewer and fewer survivors while all the while loose fleshy douchebags full of hot gas- oh I actually meant Mahmoud Ahmedinejad get invited to talk at UN Conferences on Racism and continually deny the Holocaust happened.

Anyways, Holocaust survivors are a really interesting group to spend time around because almost across the board for more than 30 years they wouldn't talk in detail about what they experienced or saw for a few reasons. One is the shock and trauma obviously, you naturally try to bury that shit and also they are the type of old country types who never wanted to burden other people with their stories of pain and agony, never wanted pity and just wanted to move on to a new life in America or Israel or wherever they ended up. Starting in the 80's and 90's as survivors began to die off in greater numbers there was a feeling of needing to know which has led to Schindler's List and countless other films, books, etc. so much so that Holocaust entertainment has become nearly it's own genre. Not without merit either, there are the factual events, the crazy stories of cruelty and survival and an unending dish of philosophical questions to bring up about evil, etc.

So anyways, again, I was helping to facilitate a conversation at this table with two survivors and I asked the guy, Harry, why and how he survived and gave me this sort of tired 88 year old man look and just said, "some luck and it took guts" and I realized then what I've realized other times in Holocaust museums in Israel and in DC but never as palpably as that night, I would never and could never understand, but it is still valuable to learn and listen.

Born to Ride rides again!

After about a year off the web, the cult college classics, featuring monstronauts and their friends have returned to the web and like a fine wine they have aged very well.


Born to Ride from Aaron Mandel on Vimeo.



Born 2 Ride: Double Fault from Aaron Mandel on Vimeo.

on Hawking

With the recent news that famed physicist Stephen Hawking is critically ill (update: it now appears he'll recover but I had this post planned already so fuck it, and you!) it has led me to think about the place in life, society, science, etc. that people hold Mr. Hawking. He is obviously very, very smart and has written about black holes and other things which I only can think about on 4/20 (darn a day late to post huge scientific breakthroughs on the monstro blog!) but I can't help but think that if he didn't look and talk like a robot he would just be your average smart scientist. I think he holds such pop culture appeal because of his appearance and the fact that people are a) amazed that someone so physically crippled can be capable of such amazing HUMAN achievements and/or b) that people fear/respect him because they take one look at him and think he's not even the same species as them and has become 8 steps closer to being a robot than anyone/anything else yet. He is incredible, living with some neuron/muscular disease type thing that is related to Lou Gehrig's Disease for like 30 years longer than most people are supposed to and he has been for most of that time essentially just a brain being transported around to do incredible things. I've also heard he likes the robot voice he uses because of how it makes him sound, he has had the choice of many different voices but chooses that one.

Snakes on a Plane- NOT the movie

Excuse me passengers, but there are some motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane and we need to motherfucking land right motherfucking now or my name isn't Samuel motherfucking L. motherfucking Jackson!

no, for real.

Hate the way your heritage makes you look?

So I'm sitting here on a slightly chilly and windy Tuesday night with my friend Josh and I'm logged into my gmail account and one of the ads at the top of my inbox is for "Asian Jaw Reduction" so naturally I clicked on it to reveal this website which also led me to this page and this page. So it appears what I have found here is a total douche bag (see below) who has made what is most likely a very lucrative career out of making Asian people look less...well...Asian. If that isn't terrible I don't know what is.

Do Not F*$k with the US NAVY`

I repeat, do not fuck with the US Navy. I mean wow, nothing to boost some flagging American pride like 3 kill shots to the dome of some pirates in choppy seas.

revolution imminent

I think I just figured out how to put videos I make on here. Prepare for the revolution. Get the lube ready.

EDIT: "make" is a potentially misleading word, I haven't made any yet, but once I do, and I have now obtained a camera, I think I can put them on here...okay commence revolution.

2 separate things

these are two separate things, but i'm just gonna do it in one blog post cuz I can do whatever I want, take that...people....!!! yea!

#1

Chill method acting? yikes. Zombies? Really Woody? Damn dude, time to get back on that weed train you at least used to ride pretty hard.

#2

Even though I'm gonna wait to post this until tomorrow to see if more people have ideas for the D&D funeral or care to define Drew's expansion of the English language it is currently Friday night. While surely a lot of you young, hip Monstro Blog readers are out at some sweet spot I am not. I am sitting at home currently the Oakland A's, San Francisco Giants and Golden State Warriors are all on TV right now. Comcast Bay Area has opened up previously unknown channels to accommodate this three head glory-gasm. This has lead to some trouble, I've mainly been flipping between the A's (can we talk about how AWESOME the A's are gonna be this year, fuck yeah I love the A's!!!!) and the Warriors and it made me think that I can pretty easily flip between two stations, but the three way channel surf is beyond me. Can you guys do that? Nonetheless, I have never been so happy to have cable, blankets and nothing to do (no friends)!

Nerd depression

both D&D founders have now passed away. Please use the comment section to speculate what the funeral will be like.

New words, I invents dem

Scrambulf

Define it for me, I haven't gone that far.

Flossing

I don't deny that flossing is important. Most of us (non-British) have been to the dentist and seen the pictures of the progression of gingivitus, which I recently learned is not the disease of being a redhead but is actually gum disease. I do however think that dentists can try a little too hard to get this point across.

My evidence: A few years ago I actually planned ahead and spent over a month flossing regularly before my appointment so I wouldn't have the usual embarrassment of them flossing me like I'm a paralyzed person and then awkwardly lying that I floss "a few times a week" as blood pours down my gums. As the woman flossed me this time she knew she had met her match, my gums were strong, conditioned, ready. A peeved look crossed her face as she produced the sharp metal scraping thing and FUCKING SKEWERED MY GUMS and then said, "oooh, you definitely need to floss more."

I'm currently flossing over a month out from my May 26 dentist appointment to test if they will again bleed me at all costs to scare me into flossing. Was the first time a fluke or am I about to break a motherfuckin' industry secret on the monstro blog? Time, errr, May 26 will tell.

Optimus Prime for President

I like to think that I am a well-informed, intelligent citizen of voting age. As a result, I like to think that my decision of Barack Obama for president was a good one. Then I got thinking about who I would have voted for 15 years ago. I would have voted for Optimus Prime, or perhaps Teddy Ruxpin. So obviously my current state of "all-knowingness" has evolved over time and is likely due to the fact that I went to a liberal arts college in Walla Walla, WA called Whitman College. The curriculum at Whitman revolves around teaching its students that they are smarter than everybody else, but to be polite about the whole thing, because Whitman is a small school and you don't want to come across sounding like an asshole.

As I was watching clip after clip of Obama stepping out of an airplane with his wife, I recalled clip after clip of Obama doing his thing on the economy, and I thought "I have to sit through 3.5 more years of this shit?" I began to play a thought game. What if Obama, and his entire presidency, was simply one of media pandering? What if Obama's role in the White House was solely based on being a public relations sweetheart? What if his only accomplishment was restoring the good image of the president without actually accomplishing anything of substance? It is not a stretch of the imagination. I wouldn't even neccesarily call it a failure of his time in office. What I would consider it is a waste of four years in office.

I think, 100 years ago, four years was considered a very short period of time. A president could accomplish just enough, and so a second term was allowed. Today, four years is an eternity. Wars can begin and end, markets can collapse and restructure, companies can gain and lose billions in less time than a president can sit in his office and take a cat nap. The days of the four year term are over.

Two years, three terms. Can you imagine if Bush had to get elected THREE times to stay in office for 3/4 of the time? The system would regulate itself and in the off chance mistakes were made, it would heal itself more quickly. In such a short period of time candidates and parties will not be able to raise and spend the type of money that is being spent on campaigns currently. We will be forced to focus more on leadership rather than an individual. Obama would be able to dedicate less time to making himself a media darling.

The rate of change in America is such that we need to restructure our system of electing officials and how long their leadership can actually stay fresh and pertinent. Lifetime terms for Supreme Court justices? Give me a break. 90 year-old Congressman? Send that asshole to a retirement home and let's institute some term limits. We are in an economic crisis because we allowed too few people to retain too much power and decision making ability for too long of a time. It corrupted them, and we had no way to displace a lot of that leadership until it was too late. A constant cycling cleansing of the waters would not only be beneficial, but I think it is neccessary.