A Creepy Present

For Jumago's birthday this year.

I've "wheeled him out" enough times that it seems appropiate.

An Open Letter to My Appendix

Fuck you little cocksucking twat twittering piece of shit.

Some fucking nerve you have, getting all inflamed inside my body and threatening to rupture in the middle of the night when all I wanted to do was sleep, some fucking nerve! Way to go faking indigestion and not let anything I try do help!

So do you miss me? Do you miss being inside my warm, fertile body, nursed along in your worthless pursuit to one day tweaking out worse than Clark on a dudes lawn? Well I don't miss you at all, I am imagining you in some jar in a laboratory turning a sickly color and I'm smiling. I'm looking down at the place on my side where they cut you out of me and feeling thankful I am rid of your weakness and .25 pounds lighter.

Good riddance appendix, I hardly knew ye, and it was just fine that way.

"no shit" award of the month

Drew proved that this is a fairly masculine blog right?

those tricky polish, those dumb irish

pure hilarity!

F*** My Life

F*** My Life - FML : Your everyday life stories.

This site is hilarious. My goal is to see how many monstro.com readers can make it on.

Brief Film Review: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

Over-emotional French women fall in love with wheelchair-bound stroke victim. Unable to sleep with these women as he did in pre-stroke condition, man resigns himself to discovering meaning of life. Once done, he promptly dies for emotional effect.

Bacon and Sloth

Two days this week I've eaten bacon and I want to just orgasm a little bit about the experience because for some reason or another it had been a long time since I sunk my teeth into the fleshy goodness of the pig. In addition to that I don't have to be at work today until noon which leads to what is maybe the greatest day of my life in recent memory, sleeping in, eating bacon (BACON!) and dicking around into the afternoon.

But why is bacon so good? Even from the start of the process, pulling it out of the cardboard box it is so delicately laced into, the smell fills the kitchen, something akin to a shark smelling blood in the water, or whatever a bull smells when it sees the red of the matadors cape. My stomach perks up and as it sizzles in its own built in lubricating grease in the pan everything heightens to a climax until that first bite is taken and no letdown is experienced, only a surge of what I can only describe psychologically as non poisonous venom through my body and what could only be described medically as "my heart and its surrounding arteries completely gasping for blood and air amidst a see of clogging gunk."

I guess we all have our own ways of seeing things.

Pseudo Child Porn

"Is this real life?" Holy shit I am not usually one to post your run of the mill viral youtube video, but holy shit, ahahahahahahahah, it takes one hell of a dad to do this and I respect the shit out of him!


edit: holy shit part two, I just found this remix which is precisely why the internet is amazing and great.

Brief Film Review: The Descent

They went down a hole. But it was a monster hole. And we are the monsters!

They'll publish anything these days.

Sitting in front of me, on the large leather ottoman that also doubles as a blanket storage device, is a copy of Combat Aircraft magazine. According to the cover, it is "The World's Top Military Aviation Magazine," which would lead one to believe that there are multiple military aviation magazines. This thought disturbs me as much as if you had told me when I was 8 that there wasn't just one Bogey Man, but a Bogey Man in every closet. I have no idea how this magazine got there, and I have avoided it for weeks hoping that it would disappear as mysteriously as it had come. Alas it has not, so I cracked the cover last night to discover what is possible the most boring magazine in the world. Initially I thought there was no way that a magazine about combat aircraft could be boring. I mean, at the very least there would be a lot of cool action shots of things getting blown up by expensive airplanes and helicopters. But no, not a single picture of an explosion. Just a bunch of articles cut-and-pasted from Wikipedia about different crappy aircraft from all over the world. You'd think regular readers would get bored of the technical jargon after a while and move on to a magazine like Bowhunter or something.

Anyway, now I'm technically "the type of guy who reads combat aircraft magazines" so I guess you can assume I'm going to start posting some pretty uniformed nationalist tirades against Barack Obama on this site. Just a warning.

photo: flickr - williewonker

Denny's Rocks!

So during the Super Bowl there was an ad trying to trump up Denny's and their Grand Slam breakfast meal, which I have enjoyed many different times in many different places over the years. The deal was that today between 6am and 2pm you could go and get a Grand Slam meal for free!

I had to do this.

I went online and used their restaurant locator to find a spot near my work in hopes of going for lunch. I called to verify and the phone wasn't answered so I called back and was told the line was around the block! Holy Shit! In the financial district in SF with a bunch of suits there is a line around the fucking block to shove grand slams down the hatch, that is awesome, or maybe our economy is really that bad!

Long Live Denny's!@

These are a few of my favorite things...

Poop and the Super Bowl. So here we go.

I was at a super bowl party and just like an NBA game I didn't give a shit until the 4th quarter and then I got so neurotic rooting for the Cardinals that I ate like 40-50 carrots, no joke and my poops since then have been almost entirely orange, it's been truly incredible and I just wanted to share part of that journey with you.

As for the game, fuck the Super Bowl, it has truly been interesting the last two years but I think the mob controls this game, too much money is bet on it for it to be pure, look at the goddam officiating against AZ down the stretch, anyways, it was awesome regardless although I was pulling for AZ.

The other great part is obviously the commercials, my favorites were the two very-violent, but equally hilarious Doritos commercials and the Hulu ad with Alec Baldwin just straight up saying TV rots your mind, we will aid in that, we have no shame, it was amazing. Imagine if all the hokey beer commercials were that honest. I don't wanna see a bunch of majestic Clydesdale's galloping through the American West, I wanna see drunk chicks falling over themselves and talking about how their friend never called and guys peeing in their closets and blacking out to lessen their economic stresses. That is real life.

Too bad I wasn't in this TV market!