Wienerschnitzel: the ultimate front for the Mob

I don't know if any of you know this, but Wienerschnitzel is totally a front for the Mob.

"Front" organizations are businesses that don't do any actual business, but rather launder black-market profits so as to make them appear as though they were earned legitimately. Wanna move 50 kilos of blow a year? Unless you're interested in one hour of excercise time, three square meals a day, and a stretched anal sphincter: get thyself a front, young man. Better register a "paper weight manufacturing" company (actual paper weights optional if you know what I mean) with rented office space and some quality book-cooking or the IRS is gonna notice that an unemployed bum is living in La Jolla and driving around in a new Viper.

Fronts can be small, single-location affairs like the bodega in the movie Half Baked or really large and elaborate ones and everything inbetween - the sky's the limit as far as options go. For example (and Jumago can back me up on this), the State of Delaware is currently the largest front in the country. Do you know anyone who's ever been there? Exactly. Notice how every credit card company is based in "Wilmington, Delaware?" Because it's the front for the entire shady financial industry, duh! Ever looked at the city on Google Maps satellite view and noticed the heavy pixelation? Totally computer generated. The lengths they've gone to keep this front going are damned impressive. I mean, sending two guys to the U.S. Senate just to keep the front looking legit? That takes huge balls. And don't even try to tell me you've been there, or lived there, or know someone else who's been there, or any other such bullshit, because I'll just know you're in on the conspiracy too and start bugging you to be my cheap credit/pot/hooker connection.

Wienerschnitzel is totally a front for the Mob. Exactly which Mob I'm not sure of, but it doesn't really matter if you're like me and can't speak Russian or Italian. Here's how you can tell it's a Mob front though:

First, establish that the "business" in question is really a front. This is actually very easy to do. First ask yourself this: have you ever done business there? If the answer's no, keep going: has anyone you know ever done business there? If the answer's still no, head to the next critera (this is the make-or-break usually): do other people go there and if so, what do they do? If there's nobody around or - in the case of Wienerschnitzel - if people are walking up to a supposed hot dog stand exchanging lots of threats and cash without a hot dog or a person eating one in sight, bingo, you've got yourself a front.

Now, you might be asking yourself, how do you know Wienerschnitzel is a front for the Mob in particular? Easy: Wienerschnitzel fits the classic Mob-front profile. First, a single location front cannot be a front for the Mob: the Mob's simply bigger than that. The bigger you get, the more real the front has to look. Second, they need multiple locations to handle the range of the Mob's geographic reach. Weinerschnitzel not only has multiple locations (over 300), they are located in ten states including Arizona, California, Illinois, Louisiana, New Mexico, Nevada, Texas, and Washington. See a pattern? Other than Illinois and Nevada, which are long-time staples for Mob territory (uh, Las Vegas and Chicago ring a bell anyone?), every state is a border state or has ocean ports for international transportation of black-market goods/drugs/slaves.

So there you have it: Wienerschnitzel is a front for the Mob. Now, using your newly developed front-sniffing skills, make a note in the comments section of the other front organizations you find. Happy hunting!