some thoughts on blackberries and the like

Let me just be clear, I'm not talking about the blackberry fruit which I fucking love.

Every morning on the train to work people are perusing their blackberries, iphones, what have you and lately it has been pissing me off so much. I don't really know why but I think it's the way they handle the devices and especially the look on their faces when they are using them.

Imagine someone already wearing dressy work clothes delicately handling their blackberry with this look on their face like whatever they are doing is so important and meaningful that President Fucking Obama must be awaiting the conclusion of their scrolling and typing. To humor myself I slid behind one of these people today to find that they were literally just going through the various menus and lists and doing FUCKING NOTHING. It led me to this weird profound sadness for humanity.

Poor Choices

I saw this in an article about "Blowfish Poisoning in Japan"

"Blowfish testicles prepared by an unauthorized chef sickened seven diners in northern Japan and three remained hospitalized Tuesday after eating the poisonous delicacy."

Now I feel for these people and clearly the chef is a shady character but at what point does personal responsibility take over and these people are forced to look inside themselves and ask whether this is simply what you get for eating fish testicles.

This is what Obama is talking about

Hope

Monstromantic

It has come to my attention, as many things do, that the current generation of young men watching MTV for entertainment and pleasure are confused and scared. Take the program "Bromance" for example. In this reality/gameshow program, nine guys compete for the platonic affection of one Brody Jenner, a TV star who apparently needs a new friend real bad. On an unrelated note, his two friends who appear in the show and aid him in the competition, you gotta feel real sorry for. I mean, they're helping Brody to replace them. Old Frankie and Sleazy-T are not long for the hot tub.

Yes, Hot Tub. The show, with a wink and a nod, keeps pushing the men into more and more erotic situations. In fact, on the first episode of the show, the only admittedly gay contestant asked to leave for good. Bromance is too gay for gays.

What I am hoping for is that by the end of the show, Brody turns out to have developed real feelings for the winning fella and they hold hands while the camera goes all out of focus on some candles. I mean, they are already slip 'n sliding together, sharing drinks, "hugging it out", crying in arms, and of course hot tubbing.

To conclude, when I say that the young men watching MTV for entertainment and pleasure are confused and scared, I am projecting my own feelings on them. But unlike Brody Jenner, I am not projecting my lusts.

A Great Day

We inaugurated a good man who hopefully will be a great president. Apparently Garrett was sitting spitting distance away and met him the other day so I look forward to a blog post from him about that!




But on a personal note the world also lost a great dog, Archie the Basset hound died died peacefully yesterday and I will miss him very much. Thanks for letting me honor him on the blog.

Football live blog: A Monstro Blog first

I'm watching the Steelers-Chargers game right now and thought I'd live blog, I don't think we've done it before, we're always pushing the envelope here at the Monstro Blog:

1:39 left in the second quarter

Nate Kaeding just drilled a field goal, it's 10-7 SD, I am rooting for SD because I love an underdog, they are like the homeless person at the debutante ball for god's sake they were 8-8. If I could kick things well being an NFL kicker would be such a sweet job, you swing your leg maybe 5-10 games per game and occasionally try to tackle someone with no expectations of succeeding, and you make a cool million or two.

Ed Reed is a fucking beast, I was just thinking that, nothing to do with this game but hey, you're all in my head now whether you like it or not.

Dan Dierdorf isn't announcing this game which is good because I'd wouldn't be blogging, I'd be trying to hang myself.

Dan Baxter, don't hang yourself, there's always next year, enjoy the Atlantic Ocean, breathe through it.

Halftime

Now 14-10 Pittsburgh, I am on tape delay so I get to fast forward the halftime show, bitches!

This is a crazy playoffs, Baltimore and Arizona and Philly are getting way deeper than they should, can you imagine a Cardinals-Ravens super bowl?!?

7:14 third quarter

Pittsburgh is like a fat kid in elementary school PE class, they are up 21-10 now and they are just grinding down SD like they don't have a lot of ability, just fat, fat grit. It's funny how teams can embody their cities, the gritty steelers with a tough D and running backs like "the bus" and then the flashy SoCal chargers with guys like Sproles and LT, etc.

Those beer commercials where they splice in real interviews of the coaches are getting really annoying. The "wanna get away" moments though can be pretty amazing. Now there is a guy beating his onion, I'm going to get more orange slices.

How funny would it be if the Chargers made a rookie sneak up behind Polamalu and snip his hair off? I mean, pretty funny, right?

2:03 third quarter

Oh man, SD fumbled a punt and PIT returned it for a TD but it was called back on account of the "muff" rule, come on, really.

14:56 fourth quarter

wow! epic goal line stand for SD's defense as PIT was going for the jugular on a 4th down attempt, down 21-10 still, hope still has a fighting chance for the bolts.

I wonder who's a bigger meathead, Phillip Rivers or Ben Roethlisberger?

12:52 fourth quarter

The sunny hope for SD has felt the cold indifference of nature they call Pittsburgh.

I wonder if Pittsburgh is one of those places like Delaware, Wienerschnitzel and Gabon that doesn't really exist, I mean I don't think I know anyone who's been there.

4:11 fourth quarter

Pittsburgh is laying a Cardinals-Panthers-style beatdown on SD now, mainly I think to scare anyone off of trying to discover where Pittsburgh actually is or what goes on there.

There is a sad and predictable poetry to the dance at the end of football and basketball games, the routines, the motions, the epic looks of sadness and depression on the losing bench, the last few lineups on the ball, 350 pound men breathing steam towards each other as they half heartedly collide to honor the rules and ethic of competition

1:53 fourth quarter

Whoa, I blacked out, the game only elapsed about two minutes and Darren Sproles is so fast and scored another TD, I wonder if LT is getting over the hill and next season there will be drama.

Game over

Maybe next time a coach comes out to shake Belichik post game they should throw a right uppercut and knock him out, it's just too formal as is.

thanks for coming on the journey, maybe the next time there is a midnight mass at the Vatican I'll live blog that.

Mob Fronts: Not Just Fast Food Joints!

Garrett's conclusion to his Weinerschnitzel post challenged us all to think of fronts for the Mob. This immediately brought to mind several countries in sub-Saharan Africa. Take Gabon, for example. Where the fuck is Gabon? What do they do there? Like all Mob-front African countries, Gabon is purportedly "rich in natural resources" which basically means the Mob can launder all their dirty money by drilling fake oil wells and mines all over the countryside. Also, in a very Mob-like action, the current president has decided to amend the constitution and allow himself to be "re-elected" indefinitely. If this isn't Mob behavior, I don't know what is.

Get the Mob out of Gabon.

Playoffs: Baxter Goes Home to Carolina

I'll be at the playoffs game between the Panthers and the Cardinals this Saturday.

I won't have a lame sign that uses FOX in it somehow, so don't expect to see me on TV, but we're opposite the cameras so it's a possibility.

Pics and story to come.

Wienerschnitzel: the ultimate front for the Mob

I don't know if any of you know this, but Wienerschnitzel is totally a front for the Mob.

"Front" organizations are businesses that don't do any actual business, but rather launder black-market profits so as to make them appear as though they were earned legitimately. Wanna move 50 kilos of blow a year? Unless you're interested in one hour of excercise time, three square meals a day, and a stretched anal sphincter: get thyself a front, young man. Better register a "paper weight manufacturing" company (actual paper weights optional if you know what I mean) with rented office space and some quality book-cooking or the IRS is gonna notice that an unemployed bum is living in La Jolla and driving around in a new Viper.

Fronts can be small, single-location affairs like the bodega in the movie Half Baked or really large and elaborate ones and everything inbetween - the sky's the limit as far as options go. For example (and Jumago can back me up on this), the State of Delaware is currently the largest front in the country. Do you know anyone who's ever been there? Exactly. Notice how every credit card company is based in "Wilmington, Delaware?" Because it's the front for the entire shady financial industry, duh! Ever looked at the city on Google Maps satellite view and noticed the heavy pixelation? Totally computer generated. The lengths they've gone to keep this front going are damned impressive. I mean, sending two guys to the U.S. Senate just to keep the front looking legit? That takes huge balls. And don't even try to tell me you've been there, or lived there, or know someone else who's been there, or any other such bullshit, because I'll just know you're in on the conspiracy too and start bugging you to be my cheap credit/pot/hooker connection.

Wienerschnitzel is totally a front for the Mob. Exactly which Mob I'm not sure of, but it doesn't really matter if you're like me and can't speak Russian or Italian. Here's how you can tell it's a Mob front though:

First, establish that the "business" in question is really a front. This is actually very easy to do. First ask yourself this: have you ever done business there? If the answer's no, keep going: has anyone you know ever done business there? If the answer's still no, head to the next critera (this is the make-or-break usually): do other people go there and if so, what do they do? If there's nobody around or - in the case of Wienerschnitzel - if people are walking up to a supposed hot dog stand exchanging lots of threats and cash without a hot dog or a person eating one in sight, bingo, you've got yourself a front.

Now, you might be asking yourself, how do you know Wienerschnitzel is a front for the Mob in particular? Easy: Wienerschnitzel fits the classic Mob-front profile. First, a single location front cannot be a front for the Mob: the Mob's simply bigger than that. The bigger you get, the more real the front has to look. Second, they need multiple locations to handle the range of the Mob's geographic reach. Weinerschnitzel not only has multiple locations (over 300), they are located in ten states including Arizona, California, Illinois, Louisiana, New Mexico, Nevada, Texas, and Washington. See a pattern? Other than Illinois and Nevada, which are long-time staples for Mob territory (uh, Las Vegas and Chicago ring a bell anyone?), every state is a border state or has ocean ports for international transportation of black-market goods/drugs/slaves.

So there you have it: Wienerschnitzel is a front for the Mob. Now, using your newly developed front-sniffing skills, make a note in the comments section of the other front organizations you find. Happy hunting!

More pictures needed

But still a hilarious article, totally serious mind you, about India's facial hair.

Oh yeah, happy new year to you, dear reader, from The Monstro blog!

Let's get a list of everyone's resolutions going in the comments section. Here are some of mine.

1. Kill a cat
2. Eat aforementioned cat.
3. Remark it tastes like chicken
4. Lost 15 pounds
5. Gain 75 pounds
6. write a "dieting on cat" self-help manual.
7. Make the Monstro blog famous in the way only a mother could love.