Nut up Potter

As many have recently been made aware, the last of the popular Harry Potter novels will be released this summer. Book VII promises to conclude the franchise; author J.K. Rowling has said in numerous interviews that she will not revisit the characters and settings in future projects.

I have enjoyed reading and considering the Harry Potter novels. Rowling appeals to classic and contemporary children's literature in too many ways to mention, but still imbues her world with enough originality to make "the same old majik bullshit" seem fresh.

With this last book on the way, I would like to publicly announce my predictions/demands for the story:

1) Harry Potter must die. In order to save her franchise, Rowling must kill off her protagonist so she can move on. This will not be difficult. Potter's life has been threatened consistently throughout previous books. There was even something about a prophesy, something in regards to Harry and his nemesis Lord Flight of Death (Voldemort in French) that both cannot live while the other is alive, or some convoluted prophesy business. It would be easy to have Harry martyr himself, sacrifice himself with some magic spell, to kill his foe. OR Harry could get seduced by the Dark Side and then Ron and Hermione would have to kill him! Or Neville! How great would that be? Kind of like how Sam was the real hero by the end of Lord of the Rings, I would love it if Hermione had to be the one to ultimately kill Voldemort BY KILLING HARRY! "Awnn no! It's a children's book! You can't do that in a children's book!" Stop whining. People die in children's books all the time and in as epic a setting as Potter's world, it would be completely legit. Brian Jacques, author of the excellent Redwall series, has never been afraid to kill off major characters. Narnia has got dying. Rings too, of course.

2) Ron and Hermione cannot get together. Rowling, for the most part, has done an excellent job of realistically reflecting the struggles of adolescent friendship through her characters' interpersonal relationships. When your two best friends get together, it's no good. Don't do it. Ron is into Harry, anyway.

3) Don't redeem Snape. We don't need a happy ending, we need a meaningful ending. We're already killing Harry, so let's make sure the evil Professor Snape stays evil. I don't want any bullshit about how he was just faking being a dick in order to spy and all that. Don't sell him out. Maintain his badguyness!

4) More Giants. I want, like, an army of Giants to tear-ass through London.

5) Keep Dumbledore dead. If he pulls any Obi-Wan Kenobi shit and reappears stronger than you can possibly imagine, ghosting around and giving advice from the grave, I'm gonna throw up.

Just give me a hardcore ending. That's all I ask. I can forgive Rowling for Dobby's whining, and for licensing the books for films, if she just finishes powerfully. Make me cry. But not crying while puking.