2/28/07
Cowards!
I have recently come to the conclusion that only cowards travel the world and get to know different cultures. Utter cowards who are unwilling to look the grit of life in the eye and realize that in that eye there is nothing but the cold indifference of nature. Life wants to consume your soul at its lowliest point, life doesn't want to you die on the top of a mountain, screaming about how beautiful the sunset is, with a bunch of birds flying away from behind you. Some of you might be saying right now "what do you mean life wants to consume you? Don't you mean death wants to consume you?" No I do not mean that! I have enough literary skills to know that word selection is the one thing that separates man from monkey-on-typewriter. Life tries and tries to kill you, it is death's job to clean up the trash. Life is what sends shit your way, death just changes the diapers. Death is a small mexican woman who cleans up the hotel room, life is the shitty rock band that drinks Jack Daniels and trashes that motherfucker. Trying to expand your mind by reading books or smoking bad tobacco with some toothless Cambodian grandma doesn't get you shit for ammunition in the war you are fighting every day against the calm, collected assassin that is nature, life, the universe! What if a meteor is headed here right this second? What is some hag in native dress going to do to help you? She'll do what everyone else will do, point at the sky and stare like an ape. Don't go out like that! Be the ape in 2001: A Space Odyssey that picks up a bone and starts to wreck shop. If that meteor comes (that metaphorical meteor; that meteor that resides both externally and internally in every man/woman/ape's life) then you have to be prepared to blow that shit out the sky with our modern bones, the structural framework of modern society. I am speaking of missiles!
2/27/07
Escalator & Stairs
One time, in an airport, I was forced to use the escalator. The stairs were out of service. I worry about that, because the stairs appeared to be quite fine. What happens when you walk up a staircase that is out of service? The escalator was pretty fast though, and my suitcase didn't bang into my legs like it does on stairs, so maybe it was better that the staircase wasn't working.
2/22/07
ARR! Here be the Kraken!
Another entry in the Monstro's "Weird Shit From The Sea" catalogue
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/02/22/colossal.squid.ap/index.html
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/02/22/colossal.squid.ap/index.html
Ole' Fashioned Gumption
There is no better feel-good story than when an ordinary guy really, I mean really, sticks it to the man.
2/20/07
Freebird
If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
Yes, because you've got pictures of me playing Freebird. You might not remember my name, per se, but you would remember me as the guy who played bass in that band that played Freebird, for like, twenty minutes.
For I must be travelling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
Other frat-house basements, for example. Places smelling of beer and sweat. Too much smelling.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Because we play it different every time. Like, you can just play the Ronnie Van Zant solo, but that's really hard, so we compensate for lack of determination, talent and patience by "improvising".
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
This is a good time to sing along.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Bye, bye, its been a sweet love.
Though this feeling I can't change.
Severe drunkness, combined with bleeding fingertips.
But please don't take it badly,
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.
I admit it; it's unnecessary. Issac Brock, the guy from Modest Mouse, once said "Life is too fucking short to play Freebird."
But, if I stayed here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
Sing along, again.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord help me, I can't change.
Let's solo here, for about fifteen minutes. We'll do those hits on the G, then A#, then C. People like that part. Maybe a few drum bits. I would play a bass solo during this part, but I'm insecure, so I'll just copy some of the original recording's fills and play them over and over with flair.
Big Rock Ending...
FAKE OUT! We're not done yet.
Rock more
Big Rock Ending for real.
Would you still remember me?
Yes, because you've got pictures of me playing Freebird. You might not remember my name, per se, but you would remember me as the guy who played bass in that band that played Freebird, for like, twenty minutes.
For I must be travelling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
Other frat-house basements, for example. Places smelling of beer and sweat. Too much smelling.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Because we play it different every time. Like, you can just play the Ronnie Van Zant solo, but that's really hard, so we compensate for lack of determination, talent and patience by "improvising".
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
This is a good time to sing along.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Bye, bye, its been a sweet love.
Though this feeling I can't change.
Severe drunkness, combined with bleeding fingertips.
But please don't take it badly,
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.
I admit it; it's unnecessary. Issac Brock, the guy from Modest Mouse, once said "Life is too fucking short to play Freebird."
But, if I stayed here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
Sing along, again.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord help me, I can't change.
Let's solo here, for about fifteen minutes. We'll do those hits on the G, then A#, then C. People like that part. Maybe a few drum bits. I would play a bass solo during this part, but I'm insecure, so I'll just copy some of the original recording's fills and play them over and over with flair.
Big Rock Ending...
FAKE OUT! We're not done yet.
Rock more
Big Rock Ending for real.
2/8/07
Top 5 Worst Jobs (in a mall)
This post is certainly dust between the bookends before our esteemed leader, Drew, returns from abroad, but I felt compelled to compose it. The top 5 list is an opener with a girl at a bar, not something you share on a blog that only your friends read. Too bad, I got a couple more coming.
I was walking through a mall last night with a purpose--something I, and I think others, rarely do. And I was getting really pissed that A to B was interrupted by all manner of distractions: no parking, few entrances, lots of people. I was surprised how irritating it was to navigate the mall when I actually had something I needed--not just nothing to do on a Wednesday night. How more irritating I thought it might be to have to work there!
Thus, my top 5 worst positions of employment in a mall:
5. Janitor (Playland)
Junior's been so good today! Why don't we treat him to 3 Mrs. Field's cookies and a 64 oz. (Bladder Buster) of Coca-Cola! Go ahead, here's a dollar to ride the Hamburgler! Here's where you come in. Your main objective at work is to keep Kids' Town sparkling clean and these kids keep tossing cookies (har har) all over the place. Lovely.
4. EBGames Manager
Nerds everywhere might think this is the dream job. I might have too--first dibs at any new game or console and you get paid to be enthusiastic about one of the only things you're good at! Not so, according to this humorous article. You'll fight through all the same retail hassles and idiot customers--but you'll never have the chance to flirt with girls. And customers will think your enthusiasm about games is creepy (at least I do). One EB Manager's Experience
3. Floor Jeweler
By this, I mean any combover or over-perfumed shmuck trying to sell you on their jewelry (and their insurance policy--"izza dah best!"). These people are on commission and you're a walking wallet. I love harassing these people, and I'm sure others do too. That's why I put their job in this list. Here's a great way to make 'em sweat. Tell them what you want (you may not even mean to buy it) and tell them they have exactly one minute to sell you on it before you leave to the next store. They'll spend the first 15 seconds repeating "ok, ok, ok."
2. Small Shop Owner
You own one of the two small, unfranchised businesses in the mall. Your livelihood is tied up in your ability to sell your gypsy trinkets...and no one...ever...visits. At least you're living the American Dream (that's to incur crippling debt, right?)
1. Hawker
Of course this person's job is the worst. They're the people who try to sell you cell phones that your carrier won't activate or fake jewelry. Sometimes they're pushy. Sometimes they're forlorn. But it never looks like they're enjoying themselves. Try to do your job and you'll be scorned by 1000 passers-by every day. Try to do something else on the job (like the rest of us) and it'll be so obvious, both to your manager and your potential (yeah right) customers.
That's it for now. Top 5 jobs coming some other day soon. Feel free to post runners-up in the comments, maybe I'll even amend if yours is better of if you have a good story.
Peace, Dan
I was walking through a mall last night with a purpose--something I, and I think others, rarely do. And I was getting really pissed that A to B was interrupted by all manner of distractions: no parking, few entrances, lots of people. I was surprised how irritating it was to navigate the mall when I actually had something I needed--not just nothing to do on a Wednesday night. How more irritating I thought it might be to have to work there!
Thus, my top 5 worst positions of employment in a mall:
5. Janitor (Playland)
Junior's been so good today! Why don't we treat him to 3 Mrs. Field's cookies and a 64 oz. (Bladder Buster) of Coca-Cola! Go ahead, here's a dollar to ride the Hamburgler! Here's where you come in. Your main objective at work is to keep Kids' Town sparkling clean and these kids keep tossing cookies (har har) all over the place. Lovely.
4. EBGames Manager
Nerds everywhere might think this is the dream job. I might have too--first dibs at any new game or console and you get paid to be enthusiastic about one of the only things you're good at! Not so, according to this humorous article. You'll fight through all the same retail hassles and idiot customers--but you'll never have the chance to flirt with girls. And customers will think your enthusiasm about games is creepy (at least I do). One EB Manager's Experience
3. Floor Jeweler
By this, I mean any combover or over-perfumed shmuck trying to sell you on their jewelry (and their insurance policy--"izza dah best!"). These people are on commission and you're a walking wallet. I love harassing these people, and I'm sure others do too. That's why I put their job in this list. Here's a great way to make 'em sweat. Tell them what you want (you may not even mean to buy it) and tell them they have exactly one minute to sell you on it before you leave to the next store. They'll spend the first 15 seconds repeating "ok, ok, ok."
2. Small Shop Owner
You own one of the two small, unfranchised businesses in the mall. Your livelihood is tied up in your ability to sell your gypsy trinkets...and no one...ever...visits. At least you're living the American Dream (that's to incur crippling debt, right?)
1. Hawker
Of course this person's job is the worst. They're the people who try to sell you cell phones that your carrier won't activate or fake jewelry. Sometimes they're pushy. Sometimes they're forlorn. But it never looks like they're enjoying themselves. Try to do your job and you'll be scorned by 1000 passers-by every day. Try to do something else on the job (like the rest of us) and it'll be so obvious, both to your manager and your potential (yeah right) customers.
That's it for now. Top 5 jobs coming some other day soon. Feel free to post runners-up in the comments, maybe I'll even amend if yours is better of if you have a good story.
Peace, Dan
2/6/07
Prog Broad
Musical Theatre is a genre which I have for a long time looked at with a certain disdain. As much as I grew up enjoying the campiness of Rocky Horror and the surreal childlike-creepiness of Nightmare Before Christmas, most musicals got the phooey from me. The songs seemed predictable, corny, and everyone sings with that shit-eating tone of voice. Recently however, I have become aquainted with the works of Broadway Musical composer Stephen Sondheim, whose musicals are to musical theatre what Rush is to AC/DC.
His most well known works, such as "Sweeney Todd" and "Into the Woods" are lyric operas, in which the majority of the dialogue is sang rather than spoken. But this is no "Luck be a Lady Tonight" singing. This is operatic melodrama. Highly stylized phrasings, with characters singing over each other in the most interesting ways. For fans of music's nerd-potential, most definitely a listen is in order. Sondheim uses counterpoint like Bach, but his sense of lyricism and storytelling are very post-modern.
Check his stuff out and you'll surely see that there is a progressive direction in musical theatre that has certainly swayed my cynicism and may change your mind too.
His most well known works, such as "Sweeney Todd" and "Into the Woods" are lyric operas, in which the majority of the dialogue is sang rather than spoken. But this is no "Luck be a Lady Tonight" singing. This is operatic melodrama. Highly stylized phrasings, with characters singing over each other in the most interesting ways. For fans of music's nerd-potential, most definitely a listen is in order. Sondheim uses counterpoint like Bach, but his sense of lyricism and storytelling are very post-modern.
Check his stuff out and you'll surely see that there is a progressive direction in musical theatre that has certainly swayed my cynicism and may change your mind too.
2/3/07
Finding Jim Gray
If you've been watching the news lately, or you're from the bay area, you know that Jim Gray went missing last Sunday at sea. I don't feel like relating the story. Read here: NYTimes
If you're interested in helping, then you should check out Amazon's Mechanical Turk. http://www.mturk.com/mturk/submit. Search for Jim Gray, and you can work on sifting through satellite imagery of the nearly 138,000 square mile the coast guard has been searching in.
It's really amazing how much the high tech community wants to find this guy. Every big company is pooling their resources and working to find him. Read the article and get to work.
Dismissed.
If you're interested in helping, then you should check out Amazon's Mechanical Turk. http://www.mturk.com/mturk/submit. Search for Jim Gray, and you can work on sifting through satellite imagery of the nearly 138,000 square mile the coast guard has been searching in.
It's really amazing how much the high tech community wants to find this guy. Every big company is pooling their resources and working to find him. Read the article and get to work.
Dismissed.
2/2/07
Nut up Potter
As many have recently been made aware, the last of the popular Harry Potter novels will be released this summer. Book VII promises to conclude the franchise; author J.K. Rowling has said in numerous interviews that she will not revisit the characters and settings in future projects.
I have enjoyed reading and considering the Harry Potter novels. Rowling appeals to classic and contemporary children's literature in too many ways to mention, but still imbues her world with enough originality to make "the same old majik bullshit" seem fresh.
With this last book on the way, I would like to publicly announce my predictions/demands for the story:
1) Harry Potter must die. In order to save her franchise, Rowling must kill off her protagonist so she can move on. This will not be difficult. Potter's life has been threatened consistently throughout previous books. There was even something about a prophesy, something in regards to Harry and his nemesis Lord Flight of Death (Voldemort in French) that both cannot live while the other is alive, or some convoluted prophesy business. It would be easy to have Harry martyr himself, sacrifice himself with some magic spell, to kill his foe. OR Harry could get seduced by the Dark Side and then Ron and Hermione would have to kill him! Or Neville! How great would that be? Kind of like how Sam was the real hero by the end of Lord of the Rings, I would love it if Hermione had to be the one to ultimately kill Voldemort BY KILLING HARRY! "Awnn no! It's a children's book! You can't do that in a children's book!" Stop whining. People die in children's books all the time and in as epic a setting as Potter's world, it would be completely legit. Brian Jacques, author of the excellent Redwall series, has never been afraid to kill off major characters. Narnia has got dying. Rings too, of course.
2) Ron and Hermione cannot get together. Rowling, for the most part, has done an excellent job of realistically reflecting the struggles of adolescent friendship through her characters' interpersonal relationships. When your two best friends get together, it's no good. Don't do it. Ron is into Harry, anyway.
3) Don't redeem Snape. We don't need a happy ending, we need a meaningful ending. We're already killing Harry, so let's make sure the evil Professor Snape stays evil. I don't want any bullshit about how he was just faking being a dick in order to spy and all that. Don't sell him out. Maintain his badguyness!
4) More Giants. I want, like, an army of Giants to tear-ass through London.
5) Keep Dumbledore dead. If he pulls any Obi-Wan Kenobi shit and reappears stronger than you can possibly imagine, ghosting around and giving advice from the grave, I'm gonna throw up.
Just give me a hardcore ending. That's all I ask. I can forgive Rowling for Dobby's whining, and for licensing the books for films, if she just finishes powerfully. Make me cry. But not crying while puking.
I have enjoyed reading and considering the Harry Potter novels. Rowling appeals to classic and contemporary children's literature in too many ways to mention, but still imbues her world with enough originality to make "the same old majik bullshit" seem fresh.
With this last book on the way, I would like to publicly announce my predictions/demands for the story:
1) Harry Potter must die. In order to save her franchise, Rowling must kill off her protagonist so she can move on. This will not be difficult. Potter's life has been threatened consistently throughout previous books. There was even something about a prophesy, something in regards to Harry and his nemesis Lord Flight of Death (Voldemort in French) that both cannot live while the other is alive, or some convoluted prophesy business. It would be easy to have Harry martyr himself, sacrifice himself with some magic spell, to kill his foe. OR Harry could get seduced by the Dark Side and then Ron and Hermione would have to kill him! Or Neville! How great would that be? Kind of like how Sam was the real hero by the end of Lord of the Rings, I would love it if Hermione had to be the one to ultimately kill Voldemort BY KILLING HARRY! "Awnn no! It's a children's book! You can't do that in a children's book!" Stop whining. People die in children's books all the time and in as epic a setting as Potter's world, it would be completely legit. Brian Jacques, author of the excellent Redwall series, has never been afraid to kill off major characters. Narnia has got dying. Rings too, of course.
2) Ron and Hermione cannot get together. Rowling, for the most part, has done an excellent job of realistically reflecting the struggles of adolescent friendship through her characters' interpersonal relationships. When your two best friends get together, it's no good. Don't do it. Ron is into Harry, anyway.
3) Don't redeem Snape. We don't need a happy ending, we need a meaningful ending. We're already killing Harry, so let's make sure the evil Professor Snape stays evil. I don't want any bullshit about how he was just faking being a dick in order to spy and all that. Don't sell him out. Maintain his badguyness!
4) More Giants. I want, like, an army of Giants to tear-ass through London.
5) Keep Dumbledore dead. If he pulls any Obi-Wan Kenobi shit and reappears stronger than you can possibly imagine, ghosting around and giving advice from the grave, I'm gonna throw up.
Just give me a hardcore ending. That's all I ask. I can forgive Rowling for Dobby's whining, and for licensing the books for films, if she just finishes powerfully. Make me cry. But not crying while puking.
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