9/28/05

The Toll Time Takes

The other day while I was sitting in an ASWC meeting debating the finer points of club budgets I realized that all I had been doing (for the last year or so) was waiting for a lull in debate to personally insult someone who I knew well enough to get away with it. The larger point here is that I didn't care and in fact I have cared about very little for awhile now. This is a scary state of my union because for many many years I was incredibly over-motivated and gleefully involved myself in anything and everything. I wanted to make a difference; in what I did not know, but it didn't matter, I was to be an instrument of change. In mellow moods I sought to change the world through the words of my poetry, in angry moods I saw leading armed insurgency or massive protest to cure the ills of the world. Nowadays I don't feel any of that old motivation, I can't even change things at Whitman. I see freshman throwing themselves headlong into activities, causes, and classes, hoping that through their sheer existence and hard work they can accomplish somethign altogether new and wonderful. However, my utter failure to do any of this is not without its merits. Like a child star at age 18 anyone who accomplishes too much too early is bound to live the rest of their life in backward longing, washed up and burnt out. I feel like I'm just waiting for my moment to come at the perfect time in life, when I'm in my mid-60's I think would be ideal: an entire half century of buildup to something great followed by a short, graceful slide out. To prove I'm not the only one, Bob Dylan, the greatest rabble-rouser of all time, sings in his late 50's in the song "Not Dark Yet"

Shadows are falling and I've been here all day/It's too hot to sleep time is running away/Feel like my soul has turned into steel/I've still got the scars that the sun didn't heal/There's not even room enough to be anywhere/It's not dark yet, but it's getting there/I was born here and I'll die here against my will/I know it looks like I'm moving, but I'm standing still/Every nerve in my body is so vacant and numb/I can't even remember what it was I came here to get away from/Don't even hear a murmur of a prayer/It's not dark yet, but it's getting there.

I think now that I am nearing the end of college I want different things than I used to. I no longer want to move minds with poetry or influence the powerful. I don't want to change the world, get the coolest (or highest paying job) possible, but simply to be happy in what I do. Our dreams are certainly tempered by time. No 5-year-old kid when asked "what do you want to do when you grow up?" responds by saying they want to work mid-management but have a happy home life. They want to be astronauts, firefighters, or sports stars. When we get older we dream of changing the world in more abstract ways, because those still are possible. Now as reality sets in more and more with each day I want to do work that is bearable and allows me to see my good friends, be outside among beautiful earth we so often forget, and continue to exercise my mind in an intellectual way. No more astronauts. When we are 75 we will probably just want to be able to take a subsequent breath pain free, in a few years from now we will want to find lifelong companionship and be diligent family men, and I have said where I am now. And when I was 5? I could save the entire world from underneath my dad's chair with only the help of my two trusty stuffed animal sidekicks. Everything is real in its own time.

3 comments:

  1. I'm trying this the other way: I plan to let my dreams get wilder and more outlandish as I get older. I had lame dreams as a kid: I wanted to be a guinea pig breeder. No longer! In 5 years I want to be a world dominant athlete. In 20 years I want to be a high ranking statesman, or an artist so influential that they rename the MOMA the SamA. In 40 years...hmmm...I think want to be an astronaut at some point. John Glen went into space when he was 75...I could go at 62 for sure. Lastly, I want to reach total enlightenment, intergalactic oneness, and inner peace before I die.

    ROCK!
    -S

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  2. Sam, I think that your quest for tathaghatagharba is inspiring. Aaron, pull yourself up by your grundel and go wreck some shit. You're the poo. I'M EATING PANCAKES!

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  3. First of all, am I one of those people you feel that you can personally insult? Because if so I am going to stop letting you get away with it... Ha ha. You definitely are stuck with the name Grumpy Old Man of the Senate now; I can't believe how cynical and jaded you are, now that you have experienced "the world" and "reality" at 21 years old (and from inside the Whitman bubble!). Isn't it convenient to be able to stop trying so hard because we think we know what life is really like? Ha! You have no excuse for abandoning your dreams. As Lincoln said, "Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other." The only reason most people just end up leading boring regular old lives is because they give up too soon. I'm throwing my lot in with Sam! Give me 30 years, I'll be President of the United States. ;)

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