YRCA

I was looking for the telephone number for my local YMCA today when I noticed an interesting trend. A good portion of YMCA websites feature pictures of retarded children. A lot of these children probably aren't REALLY retarded, they just exhibit a troublesome lack of dental hygiene which I, being shallow and judgmental, equate directly with intelligence. Perhaps my assessment of the YMCA isn't so off base. I was there today. There was a guy who kind of looked like the doorman from The Munsters setting up some sort of cone-and-ladder drill inside one of the racquetball courts. He was never more than four feet away from a sign that said, in plain English, "racquetball courts to be used for racquetball only. No soccer, lacrosse, etc." Obviously an overly complicated game of hop-scotch didn't compute in Lurch's brain if/when he read the big rule board. He probably didn't even read the big rule board. Men who wear cutoff shirts don't read anything, they just sort of react to sound, shape, light, and "ass," which they constantly talk about "tapping" but rarely ever manage to do so because of exhibits A through Z in the evidence file that is their entire existence.

Another troublesome abundance at the YMCA is old folks. Mostly they aren't in the way...I don't utilize the same parts of the facility. They congregate at the shallow end of the swimming pool, the TV lounge in the mens' locker room, and occasionally they are found standing nude in the teen center, asking when the Easter Bunny is going to come. Every once in a while there will be that semi-emergency in the weight room where some old timer tries to lift an exponential amount of weight greater than he is capable of. I don't need to word an elaborate scenario for you. Just imagine what a set of free weights totaling around 80 pounds can do when resting on the esophagus of an 80 year-old widower.