El Monstro

come on

2011-11-02T22:29:00.001-07:00

honestly? Why doth the internet tempt me back into 12 year-old boyhood?

Dammit Stiles, at it again

2011-09-09T12:00:00.001-07:00

This article about a moose that got drunk off fermented apples and ended up in the tree reminds me of the behaviors of one of our favorite monstronauts...

What if...

2011-06-04T08:40:00.000-07:00

This article about a hypnotist accidentally knocking himself out while his audience was hypnotized got me thinking about other "what ifs" that could potentially have some funny consequences.

What if...the guy responsible for the endless bread bowl at Olive Garden has a gluten allergy and keels over, therefore ending the endless bread bowl!>!!>?

yeah, that's about all I got right now. Ha.

Commercial nostalgia

2011-06-01T17:56:00.001-07:00

For no apparent reason other than the unknown subliminal forces acting on me by being alive and present in this world I found my thoughts drifting to commercials from the past.

There is something about a well written jingle that just imprints like tree sap or garlic into your mind that is hard to shake and when its tune comes rambling back down the line it's kind of like settling into an old worn chair, a little scary, but still comfortable.

With that in mind I've made a list below of some of my favorites. What are yours?

1. This Folgers coffee commercial is fucking awesome! So awesome in fact that amazingly originally named acapella band Rockapella did their own cover right here.

2. Gatorade's "Be Like Mike" ad really captured some wild 90's energy. On the topic of Gatorade, they have one of the best recent ads with their "evolve" ad which I think I've linked on this blog before.

3. Fry's electronics- something about the "your best buys are always at Fry's" cracks me up, especially on some of the ads (unfortunately couldn't find any online) where the announcer puts progressively more emphasis into each word.

4. The Men's Warehouse- For a place selling classy clothing, the cheap production values and overly friendly Jewish fellow saying "I guarantee it" has always cracked me up.

5. This Irish Spring Sport soap ad is amazing.

6. Sunny Delight or "sunny d" or as my parents used to call it, sunny pee! All of their commercials are amazing because there is the same 5 note piano loop whenever the sunny d is shown!

I'm going to throw in the Ducktales theme, because WHY NOT, we are having fun here people!

7. Wendy's commercials with Dave Thomas- This poor guy may have founded Wendy's and probably got filthy rich, but did he ever imagine he'd eat thousands of burgers on screen to sell his product?

8. Chevy's "Like a Rock" car commercials. Sadly, this is how most people first come upon Bob Seger's music, instead of finding him playing it himself drunk in a Detroit dive bar, but oh well. Years later they tried again, and succeeded to some degree with John Mellencamp's "This is Our Country" ad series. Oh Chevy.

9 Budweiser frogs- Nothing goes as well with driving good ol' American cars as drinking tons of American beer! In that spirit we'll close with the classic Budweiser frogs commercial. Budweiser has also had some good Clydesdale horse commercials but nothing got a bunch of middle schoolers as excited about trying out copious amounts of beer as this old Bud ad.

What are your faves?

Wow

2011-05-25T14:58:00.001-07:00

Yes! No?

Great headline, regardless.

Iceland stand up and make some noise!

2011-05-24T13:52:00.000-07:00

For the second time in about a year a volcano erupting in Iceland is about to muck up European air travel.

I can honestly say that except for appearing on some lists of "random places I'd like to travel to one day" I don't think much about Iceland except to occasionally ruminate on the fact that a short little Jewish dude like myself would probably feel pretty bad about himself in a land that is settled by the descendants of the fucking Vikings!

However, when you are a country of 320,000 people you need to find a way to get some attention sometimes. Clearly that means having some massive volcanoes blow the fuck up and shoot their ash into the jet stream headed for Europe.

At least this time the volcano's name is Grimsvotn, significantly easier to say than the last one.

Horseboarding- not what I expected

2011-05-07T15:17:00.001-07:00

When I saw this link for a video about "horseboarding" I got excited about learning a new torture technique that Republicans were planning to debut for the upcoming election cycle. I imagined it being, instead of waterboarding, a process where suspects are put into a room with increasingly bigger and more aggressive breeds of horses with their awful horse gas and horrifying horse erections until they spilled the truth. Instead it is a sport featuring a few British people who think they are way more badass than they are. In America we have machines do that kind of thing.

Even more stuff I don't care about

2011-04-18T12:31:00.000-07:00

On the theme of my last post about not giving a shit about when dinosaurs hunted for food, this latest article, coincidentally also from the BBC, talking about if the Last Supper was on a Monday or a Wednesday. WHO GIVES A FUCK!>!?>!!> Am I the only one who finds these sort of things so so so so so dumb? I think my main problem is actually more along the lines of "things British people consider newsworthy." Stay tuned.

Something I am now sick of

2011-04-14T11:31:00.000-07:00

I was going to write "2 things I am now sick of" and bemoan how the Holocaust has become its own genre for movies and entertainment, but whatever, it keeps deniers on their heels and Daniel Craig in the acting game, so whatever.

What I am really sick of is reading articles telling me about how dinosaurs used to behave. FUCKING SHIT, they went extinct 65 MILLION YEARS AGO. We are bombing the shit out of Libya, which is making way more noise and destruction than anything the dinos ever did, as of one month ago and that has pretty much faded from the headlines. I don't think people understand how long ago 65 MILLION YEARS is. Try this, think about the oldest human stuff you can remember hearing about, it was maybe 1 million years ago.

As cool as it was that dinosaurs had functional brains, did shit at night and either did or did not do other awesome things, they had their epoch, they are gone, get over it. Reptiles don't cry, you shouldn't either.

Creative museum ideas

2011-04-12T16:21:00.000-07:00

In honor of me reading about the seemingly awesome-sounding Iceland penis museum I sit here wondering what other crazy museums might be out there, just waiting for me to visit with my mail order bride?

What about:

- Museum of abnormally large boogers or shits

- Museum of ugly pets/children that parents/owners considered cute

- Museum with taxidermy animals that were the last of their breeds before being shot for game and rendered extinct.

Other ideas?

America the Beautiful

2011-04-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what's funnier, the fact that this awesome April Fool's prank happened or that a second degree assault charge is stemming from it!

The anti-therapist

2011-04-05T13:33:00.000-07:00

Therapy is a very established yet regimented profession.
You sit on a couch, or perhaps a comfortable chair and talk with someone who is very kind, understanding yet has the not-so-hidden agenda of using that understanding and kindness as a way of analyzing, critiquing and altering you in some way. I believe, however, that balance, a zen-like middle path, is the way to success in life. Therapy as we know it has swung the pendulum too far in one direction and I see it as my duty to re-balance the force. I want to propose that anyone seeking therapy must also sign up for anti-therapy with a licensed anti-therapist.

The anti-therapist would augment what the therapist is doing with a heavy dose of realtalk. Depressed? Probably because you're fat ugly and single. Having trouble with your spouse? Get a job and some disposable income. Considering ending it all? Run a cost-benefit for the world and do the responsible thing.

Out of the therapist/anti-therapist combination will rise a heartier species, coddled yet challenged; ready for the world in all of its layered glory.

Also, this

It's Friday! Friday! Gotta get down on Friday!

2011-03-31T22:13:00.000-07:00

So this has gotten so amazing, phenomenal, coincidental, and downright scary that I can't NOT write about it.

It's "Friday," the song by awkward 13 year-old middleschooler Rebecca Black of Orange County, CA. If you've seen it, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't, I've got three things to say to you:

1) it's 2011 now - welcome.
2) what rock have you been under for the past three weeks?
3) what the fuck are you waiting for? Click on the video for godsakes!

This is failure approaching epicness of Odyssean proportions. Just a Brunswick stew of epic fail. I'm truly shocked at how bad this is.

And yet I listened the whole way thought, as I'm sure many have, because I simply couldn't turn away from such a disaster. It's the sonic version of rubbernecking at the scene of a wicked car crash. It's like watching a slightly less funny Charlie Sheen interview, only a tad more pathetic yet somehow not quite as sad.

But at least the new media -- Web 2.0 or "You" or whatever it's called -- has lived up to its billing as a game-changing technology, and in more ways than just delivering copious amounts of every type of porn imaginable.

When I first saw this thing it was forwarded to me by a buddy who's a middleschool teacher in LA county. His description accompanying the link? "Watch this guys. See, teachers should be paid ten fold what they make. Teenagers are so unbelievably goddamned annoying."

That was over two weeks ago, and the video had "just" 4 million hits at that point.

But things happen fast in viral world. As of April 1, this trainwreck of a song has since garnered over 70 million views on YouTube in less than three weeks (it also has over 1.4 million "dislikes," making it the most hated YouTube video ever by quite some margin).

The sheer velocity with which this pile of garbage has spread around the digital globe is remarkable. She's already been on Leno, for godsakes.

At no other time in human history would it be possible to something so utterly worthless to be viewed by nearly 1 in 4 Americans. Hell, for the vast majority of our species' time here on this rock, there haven't even been 70 million of us around at any one given time. Scary when you think of it like that, isn't it?

Take a moment to contemplate the incredible flow of information here: Andrew Jackson killed 2,000 British soldiers at the Battle of New Orleans during the War of 1812 when the war had actually been over for two weeks; the news hadn't made it to either side.

So yep, it's here: we truly live in the information age now. A brave new world. Just remember: nobody ever said all that "information" wouldn't be worthless, or crappy, or both.

Nothing good can come of this. Trust me, this little girl isn't going to make nearly enough money from this to offset the fact that her life is officially ruined (public ridicule on this scale and intensity never really goes away -- I'm guessing pill overdose in five, ten years tops). The only positive thing about this whole mess is that it's bred some AMAZING parody videos.

Here are some of the best:

Is it just me, or does this actually sound like Andrew W. K.?

Yikes.

And finally, this wouldn't be complete without an epic Dylan cover treatment. Nobody does a better job of actually sounding confused while they're signing something that doesn't really make sense than Dylan:

But even with those great parodies putting a momentary smile on my face, I still couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me about the whole situation. Then I felt the stars align in the form of Satan's Pentagram and saw this:

Rebecca Black's Not To Blame: Meet The Man Who Wrote “Friday”

"You see, little 13-year-old Rebecca actually had very little to do with the notorious song or video. Patrice Wilson, the founder of Ark Music Factory and seemingly random rapper in Rebecca's video, is taking responsibility for this dubious phenomenon…He studied…at Whitman College in Washington state"

NOOOOOOO!!!! CAN'T YOU SEE?!?! THE DEVIL HIMSELF IS FOLLOWING ME, AND HE INTENDS TO COLLECT!!!! RUN!!!! RUN FOR YOUR MISERABLE LIVES!!!! I CAN'T SAVE YOU!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, now that I've got that out of the way: don't worry all you wonkish El Monstro readers, I'll have a nice piece on the societal value of public stock markets in the next couple days.

More Cyclical Compensation Models - A Cure For 'Divide & Conquer' Anti-Labor Strategies?

2011-03-21T22:46:00.000-07:00

I know there's been a ton of crazy shit in the news in the past couple weeks (including my accurate prediction of a massive earthquake on the Pacific plate just two days before the Japan tragedy - yikes) but I wanted to address the Wisconsin labor situation for a minute. I am very passionate about the subject, and I have a thought on how to improve the unions' bargaining situation:

It's been well established for quite sometime in the field of behavioral economics that as long as someone's standard of living is improving -- i.e., they're making more money and/or have more buying power -- they tend to not give a shit about how everybody else is doing financially. A rising tide may lift all boats, but even when it lifts some more than others nobody tends to complain (at least not in substantial numbers).

This is part of the rationale behind Reaganomics being a socially-stable economic policy position: yes, the rich may become fantastically fucking richer, but as long as it spurs enough economic growth that even the people at the bottom get a little richer there won't be riots or other forms of unrest.

China's leaders have played this tendency beautifully, papering a 9% annualized growth rate over an incredible rise in income disparity since the market reforms of Deng Xiao Ping began in 1978.

[quick trivia fact] Deng is the source of my favorite quote from a modern Chinese leader (the ancient ones were decidedly more badass, for the record). Once, Deng agreed to take a foreign reporter's questions -- the first example of such government openness since Mao's revolution triumphed in 1949. When asked if moving to a market system represented an acknowledgment that communism had indeed failed, Deng said the following (paraphrased): "No, that is not what is happening at all. You Westerners use too many labels that we do not have use for in China. Command economy? Market economy? Black cat, white cat -- what is the difference so long as it catches mice?" SO EPICALLY CHINESE!!![/quick trivia fact]

But bad shit happens when you don't have economic growth. When the proverbial 'pie' stops growing in total size, people use extra-market means -- i.e., political upheaval, riots, violence, etc. -- of squabbling over who gets what from the newly-set size of the pie. So if you want to avoid civil/political strife and unrest, you better have a growing economy more often than not.

I think this effect may help explain why unions are not supported 100% by the public.

Unions in general -- and public employee unions in particular -- have spend much of their energy and political capital over the past ~30 years fighting for more job security rather than better pay and benefits. As a result unionized government jobs on average pay less than their private-sector counterparts given constant levels of education, but they have a lot more job security when the economy goes through a cyclical downturn (or goes down the fucking toilet like in the Great Recession).

This is why people are upset at unionized public employees. They see themselves hitting hard times -- losing jobs, taking hits on their pay, working extra hours for no additional compensation, benefits freezes, etc. -- but not the unionized public employees.

The proverbial 'pie' has stopped growing, and people are resorting to extra-market means -- in this case, electoral politics -- of squabbling over who gets what from the set size of the pie.

And so we face the following reality: a whole shitload of people who make $40k a year and are sliding backwards are angry at the unionized public employees who are making $45k a year, and a majority of them just got convinced by a couple of billionaire Koch brothers to vote in the interests of the fabulously wealthy because of the more-visible perceived unfairness of the public employees' compensation being shielded from the negative effects of the recession.

Napoleon first termed this strategy "Divide & Conquer." Historically, it's been brutally effective. It's just what we did to the Native Americans: pitting tribe against tribe over comparably petty differences and old rivalries while we were fucking genociding the 'winner.' Dark, but effective. And the corporate anti-labor people are playing it really well.

He's my idea.

The unions need to focus on improving overall pay and benefits for their members, not just on shielding them from the trials and tribulations of the business cycle.

When Joe Six-Pack sees that Joe Gov't-Employee is also hurting, they'll likely feel solidarity rather than rivalry, even Joe G-E is making more money in absolute terms. They won't get taken for a ride by a socioeconomic class that has absorbed nearly all of the economic gains of the past 30 years and now faces no campaign donation restrictions, amplifying their power well beyond their meager numbers. They'll stop this anti-labor charade that actually hurts their own interests and focus on the real problems of economic inequality in a country where the richest 400 citizens have as much wealth as the entire bottom half -- 155 million people -- of the country does.

Just a thought.

All in a name

2011-03-09T10:49:00.000-08:00

Let me just say that even though I'm American and speak English and therefore dominate the world in a heretofore unheard of imperialistic way there are some things that will never make sense to me in their authentic form.

Asian languages are a good starting point, although to me they're almost too far gone to be within the realm of reasonable discussion. They seem to me, so different than the Latin-based English and Spanish to which I can exist in that I have immense respect for anyone who is bilingual from an Asian language to a Latin-rooted one.

However, within much closer social proximity to me are some mind-bending languages and words that I have discovered that make me think that I am but dust and ashes upon the world of possibilities.

Borussia Moenchengladbach- This is a name of a German soccer team. Can you say it? I tried, I doubt I succeeded though. Apparently German has lots of long words because they just combine things we in English would normally separate (Dan- confirm?). So maybe this team just means "Near Russia a group of men good with their feet."

Additionally, here is a list of team names in the Ukrainian premier league. Which one of those would most closely associate with "Oakland A's"? I would become a fan of that team but I just can't figure it out.

Let's move to Iceland. Last year a huge volcano erupted and seriously messed up global air travel. However it was only known as "Icelandic Volcano" because it's real name, "Eyjafjallajokull" is COMPLETELY UNPRONOUNCEABLE to English speakers. Wikipedia offers some help by giving the pronunciation guide here.

Still not getting it?

Why not let a real viking motherfucker from Iceland take a crack at telling us. Seriously you must watch this video for two reasons.

1. I'm convinced this guy speaks better English than his own Icelandic.
2. The comically dark ending of the video where he cheerfully announces, "in other news, nothing."

And now that you know what's up here are some other Icelandic volcanoes so you can impress girls at a party the next time one blows.

With my own two hands

2011-03-04T13:23:00.000-08:00

I can change the world with my own two hands/make a better place with my own two hands/
-Ben Harper

I'm not sure this angry mob of Indian workers really got Ben Harper's message when, after getting laid off, they trapped the culpable executive in his car and burned him to death. Holy shit, people need, to quote Harper again, to burn one down and chill.

Oscar rant (and one really good moment)

2011-02-28T15:41:00.000-08:00

There was a time when this blog was all about movie snobbery, 'twas a simpler time, and now it's time for a stroll down that road again.

The Oscars fucking sucked.

It's possible because I was massively crashing from drinking for the 6 hours preceding the telecast that I was lacking certain brain chemicals needed to have any kind of joy or fun at that moment, but I seriously doubt that was it, they just fucking sucked.

Let's start with the hosts, James Franco would be fun to smoke like 12 joints with, but watching him host was pretty brutal and awkward. Anne Hatheway successfully represented everything annoying about women, being so excited and energetic about everything, no matter what. Maybe next time she shouldn't do all those 5 Hour Energy shots. Together they were the worst possible mix of trying too hard and not at all.

I hate the music pieces, they are dumb, I hate the cheesy jokes they force the presenters to say, I freaked out when Bob Hope returned back to life.

There were some good moments though, I'm not 100% hating.

1. Kirk Douglas did as only a 94 year-old could and came across as awesome for not shitting himself onstage. He does have pretty big balls though to get out at his age and after a stroke, he still had great comedic timing too.

2. Colin Firth, no nonsense and funny.

And BEST OF ALL was Luke Matheny, winner for best live action short film. He wins for a couple of reasons.

- Acknowledging his hair with his opening remark.
- Thanking his mom, who did craft services (i.e. the food) on the set.
- Promising to thank everyone else on a "thank you cam" that may or may not actually exist.
- Calling out an entire state, and that state being fucking DELAWARE! I don't even think Delaware exists!

Don't believe me? watch him here.

So that's that, I wasn't blown away by any movie this year (still need to see Winter's Bone, The Fighter and The Kids Are Alright) so hopefully next year's movies and show will be better.

basic reasoning

2011-02-28T14:01:00.001-08:00

you know if you had told me that a bunch of small fish in a small tub of water were going to eat dead skin off my feet and then chill out in their tank for a bit and then eat some more dead skin off a bunch more people's feet I might think to call the health department too.

But I'm just a caveman...

Beautiful Moments in Life

2011-02-25T15:08:00.000-08:00

The other day I was posted up at a nasty urinal doin' my thang. When one is at a nasty urinal it's hard to give a fuck about cleanliness because to do so, you'd be bucking a huge trend of no one else giving said fuck. So in that spirit I picked my nose, deeply and passionately, and went to wipe the results on the wall above the urinal.

To my great joy someone had already smeared the contents of their nose in the exact spot I was going for.

In that moment I felt more connected to my fellow humans than I have in ages. We are all one.

Namaste.

Public Service Announcement

2011-02-25T01:30:00.000-08:00

Government Warning: (1) According to the Surgeon General, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects. (2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.

Just thought y'all should know. Cheers.

Cultural Superiority

2011-02-20T10:57:00.000-08:00

So I've been listening to a lot of Cat Stevens lately, and I got to wondering: what has he been up to musically since, say, the Reagan administration?

Naturally, I got my answer where I get all my answers: Wikipedia.

(The most trusted name in news: they report, I decide. Then I edit those reports to better fit my own conclusions and worldview. It's a great system.)

Well....let's just say I'm a bigger fan of Stevens' earlier work.

It turns out Yusuf Islam has been making children's recordings to teach Muslim kids important words in Arabic. Here's an example:

Poor Yusuf. He's going to lose terribly. The competition is simply too fierce. You see, this is what mainstream American kids have for educational musicals:

That doesn't even get me started on the presidents or a primer on foreign policy.

I'm not saying we're perfect, just that there are some things American culture just really does well. Children's entertainment is definitely one of them. I didn't even resort to busting out the Schoolhouse Rock - it's that much of a monopoly.

Sorry Cat.

Annnnnnnnnnnnd just for fun:

Too slow, old man

2011-02-14T07:25:00.000-08:00

I spent my entire weekend - 8:30am to 6pm, Saturday and Sunday - at a financial modeling seminar. I learned some cool stuff, but I also got rebuked because of, of all things, my age.

Take a quick look at the following list:

Fastest Times:
35	Seconds	Yao Choong	Moelis & Co.	University of Pennsylvania	8/12/09
36	Seconds	Alan Hsieh	Credit Suisse	University of Pennsylvania	8/18/08
36	Seconds	David Berglas	Credit Suisse	Richard Ivey School of Business	8/6/10
37	Seconds	Olivia John	Blackstone	University of Pennsylvania	7/26/07
38	Seconds	Austin Peterson	UBS	Duke University	8/1/08
39	Seconds	Jason Lee	Morgan Stanley	University of California - Berkeley	8/1/08
39	Seconds	Donald Zhang	Lazard	Dartmouth College	7/24/09
40	Seconds	Ang Lee	Jefferies & Co.	University of Pittsburgh	7/20/07
40	Seconds	Benjamin Rafetto	Société Générale	Dickinson College	8/10/09
41	Seconds	Robert Volpe	Morgan Stanley	Dartmouth College	7/27/06
42	Seconds	Shane Hwang	BofA	New York University	7/24/08
42	Seconds	Will Brugh	Jefferies & Co.	University of North Carolina	7/25/08
43	Seconds	Fernando Oura	Itau BBA	University of Sao Paulo	12/18/09
44	Seconds	Andy Cao	Citigroup	University of Pennsylvania	7/30/10
45	Seconds	Raheem Choudhry	Morgan Stanley	University of Virginia	7/27/06
45	Seconds	Kevin Curry	Wachovia	Vanderbilt University	6/27/07
47	Seconds	Sam Lundin	Lazard	Cornell University	8/10/07
47	Seconds	Danny Pho	KeyBank	Case Western Reserve Univ.	9/12/08
47	Seconds	Jamie Harvey	Credit Suisse (Europe)	Oxford University	8/28/09
48	Seconds	Imran Choudhury	Jefferies & Co.	University of Richmond	7/25/08
48	Seconds	Mihail Ivanov	Société Générale	University of Chicago	8/10/09
49	Seconds	Jamie Seltzer	UBS	University of Pennsylvania	8/19/10
50	Seconds	Goeffrey Adler	Barclays	Colgate University	7/30/09
50	Seconds	Sampath Jinadasa	Credit Suisse	Stanford University	8/13/09
50	Seconds	Shutong Zhang	Perella Weinberg	University of Pennsylvania	8/28/09
51	Seconds	Keith Collins	Wachovia	Duke University	7/14/06
51	Seconds	Dusko Djukic	KeyBank	Case Western Reserve Univ.	9/20/06
51	Seconds	Zhou Zhang	Wachovia	Vanderbilt University	6/27/07
51	Seconds	Jackie Cobb	Jefferies & Co.	University of Michigan	7/20/07
51	Seconds	James Blanchard	UBS	Yale University	8/3/07
51	Seconds	Derek Weiss	William Blair & Co.	Dartmouth College	7/10/09
51	Seconds	Nate Barajas	William Blair & Co.	University of Illinois - Urbana C.	7/9/10
51	Seconds	Albert Chiang	Jefferies & Co.	UCLA	7/22/10
52	Seconds	Keima Ueno	Morgan Stanley	Tokyo University	8/3/07
52	Seconds	Dan Yu	Wells Fargo Securities	Wake Forest University	7/21/10
52	Seconds	Michael Burke	UBS	Duke University	8/20/10
53	Seconds	Thomas Akiyama	BofA	UC Berkeley	7/30/04
53	Seconds	Ivan La Frinere	Credit Suisse	California Institute of Technology	8/18/06
53	Seconds	Rawen Huang	Morgan Stanley	Yale University	8/3/07
53	Seconds	Matt Remsen	Jefferies & Co.	Kalamazoo College	7/22/10
54	Seconds	Greg Chory	BMO	Emory University	8/8/08
54	Seconds	Andrew Blickensderfer	KeyBank	Miami University (OH)	9/12/08
54	Seconds	Tom Fang	Walton Street Capital	University of Pennsylvania	7/23/10
55	Seconds	Michael C Meng	Lazard	University of Michigan	8/4/06
55	Seconds	Jonathan Fisher	Royal Bank of Scotland	Miami University (OH)	12/11/06
55	Seconds	Roman Pedan	Walton Street Capital	University of Pennsylvania	7/23/10
55	Seconds	Kevin Shiiba	Perella Weinberg	Georgetown University	8/20/10
56	Seconds	David Sokoler	Lazard	Harvard University	8/4/06
56	Seconds	Mike Moran	Jefferies & Co.	University of Pennsylvania	7/25/08
57	Seconds	Matt Collins	Credit Suisse	U. of Wisconsin	8/26/05
58	Seconds	Brent Frissora	BofA	Harvard University	7/28/06
58	Seconds	Mike Daylamani	Credit Suisse	Princeton University	8/18/06
59	Seconds	Tim Hannan *	Merrill Lynch	Tuck, Dartmouth	10/11/07
59	Seconds	Taylor Hendricks *	Morgan Stanley	Fuqua, Duke	8/14/08

These are the record times to complete a financial modeling exercise in MS Excel. The exercise basically tests how much of an Excel ninja you are. Thousands of business majors and MBAs have tried it, so there's a pretty sizable sample of skilled folks giving it a shot.

It took me just over five minutes to complete after a couple rounds of practice. With some more work, I think I could get it done in under three, but any faster than that is realistically pushing it for my abilities (thank god I am NOT a finance guy).

If you do it in under a minute, your name goes on the wall. Have a cookie.

...

That some people push very context-limited skills to their extremes is nothing new - witness Clark's track times on the original Mario Cart. I have no problem getting beat at such tasks/skills/tests by these people (though I'm proud to say that I have shown Clark Toad's rear bumper a time or two).

What I have a problem with is being told I can't even compete at something if I wanted to because I'm too old.

Becoming too old to compete in tests of skill you once could is a fact of life. Just ask Brett Favre. Or any female gymnast who can legally drink.

But it had never happened to me until yesterday.

After going through this exercise the moderator showed us the list above. He then pointed out that only two people on the list, out of about 60, are MBA students - and they're both right at the bottom. Sounds counter-intuitive, right? Afterall, to even be in an MBA program you have to have several years of work experience, and these peeps were likely financial analysts on Wall Street honing their Excel and modeling skills for a couple years in an environment where seconds matter. So why don't more make the cut?

Because, as the instructor explained, us MBAs are too old. By virtue of the fact that most of us are 6-10 years older than the 21 year-old financial phenoms on this list, our reflexes are actually measurably slower than theirs. "You're too slow, you old farts!"

And so at the ripe old age of 27 I was dealt my first ever "you're too old to hack it" moment. I fear this is the first in an ever growing cascade of such moments, until I'm finally too old to do anything at all and just die. I spent the rest of my Sunday evening pondering my own mortality during Simpsons commercial breaks.

Damn you MS Excel. Damn you financial modeling. Damn you 21 year-olds and your lightning fast reflexes.

It's all in a name

2011-02-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

Normally I have something clever to say about things in the news, but really this article about naming (or not naming) a city government building in Fort Wayne, Indiana after former mayor Harry Baals speaks for itself.

Would you rather go down in immortal infamy because your name is Harry Baals or be completely forgotten and wiped from the record because of it?

On nipple blood

2011-02-07T15:07:00.000-08:00

A lot of people profess to go balls to the wall but usually they are just talking about some bullshit like drinking or their data entry job.

Monstronaut Alex Carlson took it to the max yesterday, running his first half marathon, he went so hard that his nipple bled through his shirt, onto his race number. That was hard core enough, but just to make sure that everyone else felt like a wimp, he barfed right at the finish line, showing that if you thought you tried hard at things, you need to check your shirt and see if your nipple is bleeding, if not, get back at it.

Click for a larger version!

Official Monstro Blog plan for Egypt- BRING BACK THE PHARAOH!

2011-02-03T17:06:00.000-08:00

Egypt is a MESS (2:04 into that one, for clarity).

A royal mess. A strongman has been in power for 30 years and is not relinquishing power rapidly enough to placate masses of angry Egyptians.

Rioting has broken out.

A lot of people think that the problem here is that Mubarak is too much of an authoritarian and has repressed freedoms and opportunities for so many for so long that it is inevitable that a revolution has bubbled up.

That is bullshit. Egypt needs to look no further than its past for an answer to the future.

That's right. BRING BACK THE PHARAOH!!! Mubarak just wasn't STRONG ENOUGH. He didn't wield a scepter and staff, he didn't force Jews to build him epic pyramids, he won't get his body mummified, put into a sarcophagus and looted into eternity.

Egpytian people- This is your time, this is your moment. I hope you can find the strength and courage to act on your convictions, especially if those convictions know full well that your answer is a new Pharaoh for a new time.

Tower of Babel

2011-01-31T06:08:00.000-08:00

I'm convinced men and women speak different languages entirely, not just Venusian and Martian dialects of the same English. At least, our perceptions and understandings of the world sure are amazingly disparate.

In a moment of passion this weekend (note: undergrads really are the best thing about grad school) I relived all the excitement and awkwardness of a highschool hookup on my way to 2nd base with this cute young thing. Shirts were long gone and she had just shimmied out of her skin-tight jeans.

Then it happened: communication breakdown.

Her first words after the pants came down: "My necklace is turning you on, isn't it? I know it's pretty."

Um, what? Sweetie, I wasn't aware you were even wearing a necklace until it stood out as the last thing you had on. Let's review: your naked body is lying before me, and you think the reason I'm so excited is because there are some beads hanging from your neck?

The pursuit of the naked female form is one of the biggest drivers of men in all of human history. It's why millions of guys work jobs they don't like. It's why Victoria's Secret posted $5.6 billion dollars in revenue last year (they sell necklaces there, too, but I'm willing to bet those didn't account for much of that number). It's pretty much why all the Renaissance paintings were made. To quote an excellent 1997 film it's "why cavemen painted on walls." Millions of years of human evolution have made this moment a man's Holy Grail.

And yet an apparently normal woman thinks it's superseded by some polished rocks on a string?

If we can't get on the same page about something as fundamental - as downright primal - as this, how in the hell are we ever supposed to really communicate? How do I know that what I'm thinking about and trying to communicate to a woman via words isn't just being converted into something COMPLETELY off once it hits her ears? And vice versa: what am I missing - and how badly am I missing it - when women are trying to talk to me?

Methinks there's a surprisingly high chance that we're all just obliviously talking past one another.

What a deal!

2011-01-30T19:47:00.000-08:00

Passed a cafe today that had a "$4.95 lunch special" which included a sandwich and a "free drink".

Unfortunately, I was hoping the drink would cost $4.95 and the sandwich would be free, then I would have purchased it.

When I retire from professional sports and open up a car dealership I'm going to offer free cars with the $17,900 cup-holders.

Spicing up academia

2011-01-28T09:53:00.000-08:00

Sometimes academia gets a bum rap for being staid and stale. However, when two math professors get in a dispute and one pees on the door of the other, well shit, that's what I'm talking about!

Now if only I was mathematically inclined enough to figure out what that argument could have been centered around...

Since I operate at around 6th grade level math I'll have to assume they were bickering about women in terms of lowest common denominators, these are math professors we're talking about.

people are proud of their stereotypes

2011-01-25T16:30:00.000-08:00

So this article recently dropped in the local paper which cites a study claiming that San Francisco has become the 11th gayest city in the country. San Francisco loves its gays so an uproar ensued as people found holes in the scientific method used to make this claim.

In other news, holy shit is this woman a fucking idiot. Just watch the video, goddam Tea Party, this is your answer for America. And as Anderson Cooper says in the video as he tears her a new GOP-red asshole, the scary thing is, people listen to her and her ilk. Glenn Beck repeatedly does the same shit completely reinterpreting solid historical facts and spinning them to hell and back to support their agenda. What I would like someone to do is make an outrageous claim like, "America was actually founded by Belgian colonists" and then when everyone looks at them with confusion they just say, "history? It's up for grabs. Were you there? Didn't think so, so shut up and get off your high, literate horse."

And in the least shocking news ever reported, a study found that the beef in Taco Bell tacos is not really beef. My digestive system confirmed this in 1994, idiots.

2011

2011-01-05T08:46:00.000-08:00

2011 has just begun and I can't wait for it to be over. According the Amish the world is supposed to end next year, but I have to wait the gestation period of a blue whale before I can expect anything to start exploding. There are two blue whales having sex somewhere off Easter Island (this is a romantic spot for whales I am told) and right when that baby whale swims for the first time, everyone living on land is going to be panicing and murdering each other because their credit cards don't work and Facebook won't let them upload pictures from their smartphones. There will be Banana Republics burning to the ground. It will be like the end of "Fight Club" except that the weird woman who is married to Tim Burton won't be there.

The worse thing about 2010 was gauge earrings. This fashion style is so played out it isn't even funny. If you aren't a seven-foot Masai warrior about to kill a lion with a spear, your gauges make you look like an asshole. Peace!

Arkansas wildlife looks around and realizes some profound truths about Arkansas

2011-01-02T17:00:00.000-08:00

I can't help but notice that in the last few days birds and fish have decided to spontaneously die in Arkansas. Wildlife officials are supposedly "investigating" these incidents. I have an idea, save that money you were going to use on the investigation and pump it into schools, youth programs, health care, shit, anything because what happens when the other wildlife in Arkansas also wises up and decides it just ain't worth it?

Bowl game names

2010-12-30T08:32:00.000-08:00

Call me conservative but I remember when there were gator bowls, sugar bowls, orange bowls, rose bowls and the occasional toilet bowl.

Something about the bowl that SF is hosting soon doesn't ring true.

The "Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl" has a few contradictions.

Anyone trying to fight hunger with Kraft foods clearly doesn't understand the concept that if you eat something but then it tears up your body and flies out in worse form it isn't actually nourishment.

Also calling a bowl game Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl is sort of like a car insurance company sponsoring the Iraq War, cool and shit, but not related.

Happy New Year,

_The Monstro Blog

ouch.

2010-12-22T17:55:00.001-08:00

This stings like only (at least partial) truth can.

How can so many idiots design sinks?

2010-12-11T16:32:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you what I hate. I hate when you (not me, obviously) go to practice good hygiene wash your hands at a sink and the faucet is so goddam short that you end up having to rub your hands up and down on the grimy porcelain just to get them wet. I have the smallest hands (means nothing) of almost anyone I know so it's not specific to me or anything. How fucking difficult would it be to measure the neck of the faucet so one can get a clean rinse. Seriously now.

Occasionally good ideas from yours truly

2010-11-22T15:48:00.000-08:00

I occasionally have good ideas.

Usually it's about one good idea per month. If I'm on more of a hot streak it's one good idea per week. If I'm like white dry ice liquid fire then it might even be one per day.

Lately I've been on a cold streak to end all cold streaks. No good ideas, none at all. I even thought it was a good idea to start Davone Bess on my fantasy team this week, case in point.

Until now.

This morning I thought of an amazing invention.

Fact: No one likes when their toilet clogs.

Imagine this: As you are using the toilet a senor measures the size, density, mass of whatever is in the toilet and alerts you a little bit before it clogs. You would know at that point to give a flush and all clogs would be averted.

So simple. So good.

Let's file this under...

2010-11-22T15:35:00.000-08:00

...America- FUCK YEA!

Nothing is more patriotic than driving nuclear materials after you've slammed back a few cold ones! Just imagine if congress actually goes through with the ban I recently blogged about. If there's one thing that truck drivers do really well it's pour down energy drinks by day and booze by night. These beverages clearly fulfilled both desires at once. Where do we go from here?

Let's just end this post.

A test of how lazy Americans truly are

2010-11-16T14:34:00.000-08:00

I see that the FDA is going to ban caffeinated alcohol drinks like Sparks and Four Loko. While there's no doubt that these drinks get you FUCKED THE FUCK UP they are probably also pretty dangerous for you so I understand the ban.

What I think is hilarious about this is that Congress, and probably rightly so, is banking on the fact that people looking for this mix of energy and an intoxicating depressant will be too lazy to mix a Red Bull and a shooter of vodka and instead, stick to just drinking caffeine or alcohol.

Other things people could, but under the hopes of this legislation, won't do will be:

-Mix Coca-Cola into a glass of Rum
-Mix coffee and whiskey together in honor of the Irish
-Pour Everclear into and then line the rim of a hooker's belly button with coke (not cola) and then take all of it TO THE FACE

Alright, I'm getting carried away. Back to being lazy...

Oh yea, there's an election soon

2010-10-26T16:34:00.000-07:00

Seems like some really good stuff is going on. I just love that when Democrats get fed up with years of Republican rule we turn to "change" and "hope" and get Obama. Now, when Republicans get fed up you people like the first link and this and this. That's just some top quality revolutionary visionary innovative shit. Congrats, I hope all the Democrats forget there's an election and the Tea Party takes over the country. That'll show em!

Learn somethign new everyday

2010-10-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

Since my last post/plea for topics generated exactly 0 replies I'm back to blogging into the darkness for my personal enjoyment.

Did you know that Australia has the most camels of any country in the world? So much for all my stereotypes of the Middle East. Gawd.

Does camel meat taste good?

The candle in my mind got sneezed on

2010-10-12T16:03:00.001-07:00

I haven't blogged much lately. I had a nice run going. Why haven't I written lately? I don't know, I haven't thought of anything to write about. I am an inconsistent person. Therefore, if anyone still reads here, please use the comment section to give me a topic or prompt you'd like me to blog about and I will do so until I begin having inspirations of my own again.

More crazy shit from the murky ocean depths

2010-10-04T12:13:00.000-07:00

In a casual but years'-running ongoing theme here at the Monstro Blog, I would like to point out that more insane shit has been discovered in the ocean. I'll dedicate this to a fellow lover of the weirdness in the murky depths, absentee blogger Drew.

I am always all up in arms when the government runs to cut NASA's funding, but honestly, we've discovered a lot in outer space already and most of it is dead and dark or looks cool but is 200,000 light years away.

I do know, based on the little that has been discovered, that we are guaranteed to find extremely tight shit if we keep poking around those big ponds that keep us isolated from Europe and Asia though.

Let's talk about apologies

2010-10-01T13:41:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid I would make mistakes. After these mistakes happened, my parents would teach me a lesson by making me apologize to whoever had been harmed by the mistake.

One time I threw a baseball through my neighbor's window and I had to go knock on the door and say that I did it and would fix it (through the financial help of my parents).

One time I hit my sister in rage (real man!) and I had to apologize to her for this.

These seemed like reasonable examples of apologies.

Here's another apology, courtesy of our "city on a hill", shining example to the rest of the world U.S. Government.

"Hey Guatemala, how you doin? I know this has taken 60 YEARS (!!!) but we'd like to apologize for infecting your jailed female sex workers with STDs for a medical study. Yeah, that was our bad."

Mike Tyson transformation

2010-09-30T11:14:00.000-07:00

Mike Tyson has to be one of the most fascinating human being in the last many decades. What I think is particularly interesting is that lately he appears to actually be getting his shit together. For example, in his younger, completely mentally unstable days Tyson had more Tourette's than freshmen-era Clark and I combined. His life seemed to be one bizarre disaster after another. However lately, this semi-autobiographical movie and appearances like this and his role in "The Hangover" show him to actually be gaining quite a bit of wisdom and perspective on his life and the general human condition. I'm curious to see what the next decades hold for him.

Darkness to begin the week

2010-09-27T13:57:00.000-07:00

And no I'm not talking about the shining start to the 49ers 2010 season.

I'm talking about the owner of the company that makes the Segway accidentally driving his Segway off a cliff and dying.

If that isn't dark, black holes are my friends.

That would be like Obama dying from a disease called hope, Bush dying from Christianity, Ozzy dying from new found sobriety.

Some free writing I've done lately- tell me why it's better

2010-09-24T02:02:00.000-07:00

that selfish sun

I'm on to your game

you are a tricky devil
For just like after a devil leaves the room and the
smell of smoke remains

you seem to continuously and stubbornly heed Thomas' advice and rage, yet silently, against your own nightly luminary demise
How can we know this?
The sun, like any politician or celebrity, is concerned with legacy
possessed by remembrance
unable to slip, with the grace of a woman too kind to tell a man she's not interested, out the back door

Look at the reddened, horror-movie face of a Scandinavian carelessly lounged at the beach too long
or sit upon an exposed rock long after dusk and feel the heat

you are no different than the impetuous 4th grade boy, angry and looking for recourse, seeking angry recompense at being left out of a plan

You must hate the moon, stealing the stage and helping mushrooms grow, even having the nerve to eclipse you on occasion to the awe of the masses

What terror you must feel as
I slip into a good Christian home in Laredo with shades, blinds, ceilings and something we invented called
the "air conditioner" condition away all the effects you have worked so hard to tirelessly have wrought on us

But you will get the last laugh
unlike I, who will one day draw a final breath and become silent
you will die, but like Diana, MJ, Neda and so many other shining stars in their own right
you will become bigger after your death
a red giant I hear they will call you
and you will wipe us all out, Earth as we know it

Many worship you, flock to your tentacles
but I'm on to your sinister game
they say knowing is half the battle
if only the other half was fighting back with poetry

Truth in advertising?

2010-09-23T23:29:00.000-07:00

There have been a lot of ads for Svedka Vodka lately around my area and I am 79% sure I drank a bunch of it at Burning Man a few weeks ago.

I ventured over to the website to take a closer look. I had to enter my birthdate to confirm I was 21 before entering the site. When I told them via my entry that I was a 14 year old girl looking to get drunk for the first time to see how it feels I was automatically directed to this website. Hilarity.

Anyways, their slogan is "voted best Vodka in 2033". Now either these fucks have a 23 year fast forward time machine (do I still look this good at 49? Back hair?) OR THEY ARE FULL OF SHIT. What sort of proof do they have of a vote taking place in the future denoting their vodka as the best. What if some sweet, potato based nectar of the gods is concocted by a now 8 year old Russian boy destined for genius. They have no idea. There is no photo evidence of an election taking place. I'm a skeptic.

Hey kid, let's talk

2010-09-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

Listen son (blog), I know I've been gone for awhile and I know when I've been around I've been drunk out of my mind or god-high, ain't that some shit! Well, I don't know what to say except here are some hungover owls to look at and I'll take you to Disneyland for your birthday, whenever that is.

http://hungoverowls.tumblr.com/

Holy shit, Matt Foley is alive, well and FOR REAL

2010-09-17T12:55:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMgyi57s-A4

not much else to say, Phil Davison says it for himself, the dude is talking in CAPS LOCK!

Gotta love stuff like this

2010-09-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

Those gentle reminders that the ways of the world can also be the ways of dark, dark comedy.

The King Is Dead, Long Live The King

2010-08-16T22:52:00.000-07:00

There was a landowner in ancient times who lived on the absolute edge of the civilized world. A man who was on the border between wilderness and the outer limits of the territory that the king was capable of controlling. This man's plot of land, at the furthest reaches of the empire, was nothing more than a few small buildings and a road that went off into the distance where grass would regularly grow over the wagon tracks so the few travelers who were headed out into the land beyond had trouble finding their way.

The king would periodically dispatch his tax collectors into the kingdom and after all the rounds had been made and all the reaches of the kingdom collected, the tax collector would ride to this land on the edge of the kingdom to get the king's money from the landowner. When the tax collector would ride into this land he would always look to the forest beyond with a certain level of sadness, as if perhaps there were more taxes to be collected out there in the wild. The tax collector would sit there staring at the forest, thinking of home many miles away, and the landowner would walk out of his house to meet the tax collector at the road. There the landowner would give the tax collector the king's gold with absolutely no ceremony. Then the tax collector would leave.

The landowner, troubled a few times a year to throw some gold to a horseman, knew little to nothing about the king. In fact, all the man knew of the king was his name. The king, a man of great power, had ruled for many years. The king had defeated many great adversaries. The landowner knew none of these things. The landowner made all his own decisions, kept his land as he saw fit, and protected it occasionally from wolves and bandits. The king had little more than a drop of influence on the landowner's life. The landowner payed taxes simply because that is what he had always done, give his money to a man on a fine horse, who collected it for another man in a fine castle.

Then one day, the man on the horse didn't come. There was always a horse's gallop heard over the meadow at this time of year, the sign that the tax collector was making his rounds. This year, at this time, there was no gallop heard over the meadow. The landowner noticed this, thought it odd, and wondered briefly where the man could have gotten to. The landowner did not let this trouble him for long. He set about his chores and placed the money intended for the horseman on the table. After that day, every time the landowner felt it was the right time of year, he would walk to the edge of the road and look for the tax collector. Every time, the horseman did not come. Every time, the landowner would place the gold on the table.

Years passed, and when the landowner began to forget the meaning of the sound, the landowner heard a horse's gallop. However, this was not the time of year for the king's tax collector, so the landowner rose out of curiosity, despite his old age, and walked to the edge of the road. To the landowner's mild surprise, a different man rode into town. This man's skin was a strange color and he spoke with a strange accent. This man was dressed very finely and when he stopped his horse a few yards from the landowner he looked around, curled his lips partially in disgust, and withdrew a large parchment. The strange man then declared that the landowner had a new king, a king who came from another land to defeat the landowner's old king, who was corrupt and evil. In exchange for the new king's protection, so that the new king may prevent men like the old king from becoming king, the landowner must pay the new king a small tax.

At this the landowner nodded, went into his house, grabbed the gold meant for the old king, and gave it to the man whose job it was to deliver this gold to the new king. The strange man declared the landowner a loyal subject of the new king, and blessed the landowner's land on the king's behalf. After this display the man left much like the old tax collector and rode out of town.

The landowner followed the strange man down the road for a moment, then went about his business much in the usual fashion. Only after the sun began to set and the tax collector was many miles away did the landowner realize the tax collector never even told him the new king's name.

Waking up upside down.

2010-08-02T23:38:00.000-07:00

The other night I had to sleep on my couch. This was a voluntary thing, not some weird spousal issue. I don't even have a spouse. As a result, anytime I sleep on my couch, it is because I decided to.

Last Friday night I had some friends in town. These were more friends-of-a-friend, they were traveling through town on a road trip musical tour. The type of thing I have always wanted to do but I utterly lack musical talent. It is the type of trip I would plan though, and seeing myself in their endeavors, I found it easy to be generous. I carted myself out to Nampa, Idaho which is a rather unremarkable place that some very misguided but hard-working suburbanites have tried to gussie up into some sort of retarded cousin to Bend, Oregon. There is a shop downtown that sells v-neck t-shirts. There is a restaurant call Louie's or Lou's and it has a really, really nice bar. Lou's was closed at 8pm on a Friday night. This is why I say these suburbanites actions are misguided. There seems to absolutely no enthusiasm for Louie's or v-neck t-shirts outside of the small group of people who decided to open these shops.

Also in Nampa there's an old auto shop that has been converted into a coffee house. The brew isn't bad and they sell little gifts that people who wear v-neck t-shirts like to give each other for their birthdays. Really tacky vintage-looking shit made out of plastic that comes from a factory in China. They'll pay like $50 for a lunch box because it has Bette Davis on it. Like I said, the brew isn't bad and the atmosphere for the unplugged concert my new friend put on was kind of nice, so it was easy to soak in and listen to her relaxed and melancholy songs about lost love. Not usually my cup of tea, but I exercised patience and ended up thoroughly enjoying the show. We skipped out a bit early, halfway through the headliners set. It was some guy and a girl with a guitar and a fiddle and I'm pretty sure the guy was wearing non-prescription horn-rimmed glasses "just for the look of it." He probably got them at Urban Outfitters, which is just a 5,000 square foot version on the gift store in the coffee shop I was about to depart with my friends to go have dinner.

At dinner the conversation revolved around religion and its various intricacies. Mainly, how one defines what a "Christian" is. There were many good points thrown around, and ultimately everyone very politely agreed to disagree and also agreed that the wine was phenomenal. It was a Petit Syrah from Lodi, a winery called Windmill. It was cheap and tasted like brown sugar and kicked ass with the thick burger I put down.

After dinner it was decided that the girls would sleep at my house. I had the luck and clairvoyance to give my room a thorough cleaning and to put on fresh sheets, which I only do maybe once a month. I politely volunteered to take the couch and let them soak up the joys of what I will readily admit is the most comfortable bed I have owned in my entire life.

In the middle of the night I woke up so disoriented that I jumped off the couch in alarm. I'm not sure what about it was so unnerving, but not only did I not recognize the room I was in, I scarcely recognized I was in a room at all. I felt disembodied. After a few paces and a tall glass of sink water, I went back to the couch and have been utterly disoriented ever since.

Maybe it was the music. Check it out. www.sharayamikael.com

Drinking a good wine.

2010-07-31T09:07:00.000-07:00

In my humble opinion, something everyone should be able to do is drink a good bottle of wine. This falls into the same category as being able to drive a car with a manual transmission and being able to eat an entire pizza in one sitting. There are certain things a man should be able to do without thinking and without hesitation, if for no other reason than to contribute directly to his personal myth, so that some day, long after he is gone, people will remember him as being taller than he actually was.

Drinking a good bottle of wine is very different from choosing a good bottle of wine. There are undoubtedly thousands of articles available readily on Google that will give you all sorts of tips on what wine goes with mussels, pork chops, or filet mignon. There are just as many articles refuting the statements of the previous articles saying, no, in fact, if you knew anything about wine, you would choose this other wine that tastes very similar to the previous wine but is actually very different because if you swirl it around in the back of your tongue you might get a hint of grass clippings, which really makes clam chowder 'pop.' These articles are useful to a degree, but ultimately your enjoyment of wine is dictated by another factor entirely, not the characteristics of the wine itself.

Drinking a good bottle of wine is all about drinking with relish. Pour aggressively and don't worry about spilling. A common mistake I see many people make is that they treat wine like it is a precious commodity, like they're wringing water out of a cat carcass in a post-Apocalyptic wasteland. Wine is the drink of the gods! Jesus made barrels of the stuff! It is funny, walking into a wine shop that is filled with hundreds of gallons of wine, that anyone would walk out of that place with any thought of reserve in terms of the consumption of the bottle they are leaving with. Additionally, I am insulted every time a waiter pours me a small glass; I am always tempted to grab the bottle, take a long drink, and shoot the bartender. Wine is not precious, wine is not scarce. Stop treating it like it is. The Greeks did not, and they invented geometry.

"Grown Ups" sucks ass

2010-07-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

I am in between stints where I am largely away from computers, phones, movies and other modern pleasures. I took the opportunity whilst in the bay area to see "Grown Ups" which fucking sucks.

Whoever Dennis Dugan (the director of this movie) is, he's brain dead and directed this movie on autopilot. The plot is cheesy as hell and the only good jokes are when the all-star cast of comedians is clearly allowed to improv and fire off one-liners. This shit is sad.

Fear and robots on public transit

2010-06-07T15:21:00.000-07:00

Riding public transit is always a fun adventure into the soul of whatever place you are currently in.

Since moving into San Francisco a few months ago I've been experimenting with different bus and metro routes around town. The system is always an adventure, whether it's delays, drugged out homeless people or blatant drug use.

Also, fear is a powerful thing.

To get on the bus or subway you need a monthly pass or $2. However, this is rarely checked, you can just get on the back door.

The thing is, everyone pays because maybe once a month a transit cop asks for your proof of payment. Fear is a powerful ruler!

On a way funnier note, on the way to work this morning the following occurred:

As we went from street level to underground the operator announced:

"I'm now turning control of the train over to the computer. I'd recommend holding on because the computer has been acting a little....funny lately."

This was followed by a huge jolt and then another announcement:

"I told you guys so, I really can't control this thing."

The robots have taken over.

"Lost" rant

2010-05-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

Not an angry rant per se, just some thoughts the day after the finale from my desk a little sleep deprived thank you Jimmy Kimmel who I will gladly tear a new one for his abomination.

I liked the "Lost" finale.

There, I said it.

We live in a society where we need everything answered and to make perfect sense, and goddamit, that is not how the world works. Have you ever watched crazy Asian shit on TV, it's not like that makes any sense, it's just a different worldview, fate replaces control of destiny, awe can be at colors not answers.

Anyways, "Lost" had huge balls and I respected it, even if it could be a little frustrating.

"24" also kept it really real in its finale.

this ain't no place for the weary kind

2010-05-21T14:38:00.001-07:00

sorry I haven't been blogging much lately, been busy and away from computers a delightful amount role playing the 1850's, attending beer festivals and participating in drunken citywide races/parades.

Let's talk about daytime drinking. It definitely has its pros and cons.

Pros: escaping reality for a better imagined chemical reality earlier in the day. More acceptable usage of sunglasses (actual sunlight). More acceptable time/temperature for taking clothes off.

Cons: hungover feeling while still awake. Inability to kick it past 7pm.

It's a real toss up.

The irrefutable logic of country music

2010-05-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

Driving through a rainstorm in between Sacramento and San Francisco I did the only logical thing which was to put on country music. What I love about country music is the same thing I love about really conservative politics. They deal in irrefutable logic. What made me think of this? The lyrics from "Rain is a Good Thing" by Luke Bryan which go:

Rain makes corn/corn makes whiskey/
whiskey makes my girl, a little frisky/

It's just hard to argue against science and logic like that.

Saturdays are for the darkness

2010-05-01T08:59:00.001-07:00

A rare Monstro Blog LIVE BLOG event

2010-04-28T16:26:00.000-07:00

I think live blogging is both funny and stupid and I don't really do it much if ever here. But I find myself using the free Wi Fi in Berkeley's Happy Donuts and I can't resist for the 20 or so minutes I have power left in this bad boy (naughty voice) I call my laptop.

4:10pm, two kids come in, maybe 11 years old. One is playing it straight, the other one is talking in some funny cartoon voice but I think the lady behind the counter thinks he is making fun of her Asian accent. I watch as she kills him in her head a few times over while getting his two donut holes.

4:18pm Everyone coming in here is so unhealthy looking, fat and old by and large. LARGE.

It is 4:28pm, I've been here for about 40 minutes, I paid 95 cents for a sugar donut and planted myself at a table to do some work, the lady behind the counter doesn't know what to make of me. At some point does my time here run out or could i stay forever?>!?!? Some pretty interesting people have come in, a donut shop is a funny place.

4:33pm It's been quiet as shit, is this a dead hour for donut eaters? Too close to dinner maybe to justify a filling snack?

4:34pm There are SO MANY donuts in the display rack, I just counted, cuz I'm dying on the inside, there are 86 donuts on display, that seems totally insane, am I right? Am I wrong? Will you sing my victory song?

4:35- fat middle aged white man orders an apple fritter. I might just be letting my mind make this true for me but even in Berkeley it sounds like most of the people ordering donuts have a western twang. "Lemme git one of them apple fritters". Okay, this guy just told the woman working here "I used to come here a couple years ago and there was some girl taking chemistry, was that your daughter" Woman responds "No".

4:37pm, middle aged dreadlocked white woman gets a raspberry glazed donut and coffee which she drowns in half and half, she has jean shorts on that go to her ankles, this is some good shit, also a leatherman dangling off her belt, unwrapped.

4:38pm, there is a lot of sadness in here, most people come in and seem pretty beat down, their donut is their comfort, their happy place, but really it is an unhealthy mass that will hasten their demise. I'm leaving soon.

I hope this has been as fun for all of you as it has been for me, although I acknowledge that is doubtful.

Third alien themed post in a week: update- not an alien

2010-04-28T16:18:00.000-07:00

I have posted two different alien-themed things in the last week. I don't know what's gotten into me besides those pesky interstellar microbes. I swear, I'm not even into sci-fi, like, at all. I would like to update this post and say that while I'm not an alien I may get to be in a medical journal since I was just found to have some rare parasite called Strongoloides (!!!). I have had this since at least last September and potentially as far back as our Monstro orgy in Asia in 06-07. Good times! Now I'm going to live blog a donut shop.

Alien info

2010-04-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

About a year ago I posted about Stephen Hawking. I was talking about how he might be considered even more impressive because of the physical state that he's in. I also think he might be a lot closer to an alien than the rest of us. NOW THIS COMES OUT. This is not funny, this is terrifying, the dude has insider info, it is so fucking obvious, if there is any (former) human on the planet who has been taken over by aliens it is this guy! We need to heed his call and stay the fuck away from aliens.

best news EVER

2010-04-23T11:32:00.000-07:00

I've probably used that headline before but when you have memory problems it's like the NBC in the summer "it's new to you" campaign. Anyways, this gem from CNN fits the billing. From the headline to the last quote it's everything you'd want not only from your government but from "the leader in cable news." My friend/enemy Dru has also done some fine scouring recently on CNN and he's much funnier than I in that he links things and does longer explanations. We a simple folk blog, not caveman, but simple folk. There are differences.

surest sign of aging

2010-04-20T14:54:00.000-07:00

There once was a time where on April 20th I'd for sure be guaranteed to look like this:

But alas, now I can only settle for this:

Oh youth (and weed), how you are wasted on the young.

-written from my desk in my office :(

Thank god for some sense in this crazy world

2010-04-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

As a proud Californian I crap myself daily living in fear of "the big one", an earthquake that will wipe out everything I know and love, including you dear Monstro Blog readers! Noooooooo, ahhhhhhhh, the horror. But honestly, I'm sick of hearing seismologists and their supposedly expert opinions. They don't know shit. People who do know shit however, are Iranians! Just read this excellent explanation of why natural disasters are befalling the planet. Whores! Thank god for at least some sensible approaches to real world problems!

Considering the fact I may be an alien

2010-04-19T15:18:00.000-07:00

A little background. I've developed the same mysterious rash on my side and back in October and now yesterday. I've gone to the doctor to get it checked out and no one has any clue what it is except that I have an abnormal amount of white blood cells in my blood. This has led me to the conclusion that it is possible that I might be an alien. I obviously don't think I'm an alien but I have no way of knowing, there's no Birther movement out there like for Obama that is scrutinizing so deeply my entry moment into earth.

I'm wondering if all the theory about earthly conquest and domination by aliens are wrong. What if aliens are sort of like immigrants who don't tell their children where they come from because they would much rather quietly assimilate and not make a big deal about their alien-ness, except in the unfortunate events of blood tests turning up a little weird.

C90x garbixion rengloidensuis

Here's another thing I was just realizing, if you want to seem like you talk legit Alien you either use an abnormal amount of "x"'s or make things seem like they are in Latin, I don't really speak alien.

You are no longer allowed to say "lamestream media" again. Ever.

2010-04-18T16:43:00.000-07:00

New pet peeve: conservatives who think they're being cute and/or original by using the novelty term "lamestream media" when ripping on the press.

It's not cute.

It's not original.

But it is annoying as hell. So for godsakes stop it already; consider your privileges revoked.

Finally, some honesty!

2010-04-13T11:30:00.000-07:00

With all of Tiger Woods' lies, it's hard to trust athletes anymore these days.

Until now.

Thank you Chan Ho Park for your honest explanation of a bad opening day outing.

Amazingness on two levels

2010-04-12T17:56:00.000-07:00

KFC just introduced their new Double Down Sandwich which looks totally fucking disgusting. The classic concept of bread on a sandwich has been replaced by pieces of chicken, interlaced with bacon and cheese. So the first amazing thing is that this exists and people are going to not only eat it without puking but probably enjoy it.

The second amazing thing is that this thing only has 540 calories! I'm no diet or calorie counter guy but I think 2,000 calories a day is a very low/moderate number which means you could eat nearly four of these in one day and still be okay in terms of calories. Does that creep anyone else out? I just picture a bunch of scientists with a huge suction syringe (that is a cool word to type out!) just yoinking calories out of this thing.

Bon Ape-tit.

Fast poopers

2010-04-12T09:08:00.000-07:00

Pooping is to be enjoyed. It's a great activity; not only biologically necessary, but spiritually restorative. Even when rushed, I don't think I've ever pooped in under 3 minutes. I plan for at least 5, and I prefer 10 - just in case. Depends on whether the magazine collection is the local newspaper or the NY Times or Maxim or The Economist, you know?

But there's another kind of person out there. We all know know who they are. That guy or gal who drops a deuce in record time, quietly insinuating through their very rush that you should do the same. The person who is all nonchalant about returning from the bathroom in 20 seconds - and did a lot more than the ol' number one. The kind who are visibly annoyed when you walk out of a meeting "to use the restroom" and come back a full 8 minutes later (what the fuck were they expecting? Oh, yeah, for you to poop as blasphemously as they do).

I don't like these people. They're a strange group, sorta like antique soda bottle collectors, and they weird me out.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you can't trust a fast pooper. I'm not saying I'd openly discriminate against a fast pooper per se (though they sure seem to do that to me), and I'm not saying I wouldn't hire one or give up my seat on the bus to an old or pregnant one. Not saying I wouldn't vote for one. But really, let's be honest here: would you let one marry your daughter?

Didn't think so. Me neither.

One of the best arguments yet for me being a Republican

2010-04-08T11:59:00.000-07:00

Somehow people (albeit in Georgia) with the same political leanings as me elected this guy, Hank Johnson to represent them. Why is that disturbing? Because in a recent congressional hearing he told a military official he didn't want more people going to Guam because the island might capsize (1:25 mark, but really the whole thing is amazingly terrifying). ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THIS GUY GETS PAID TAXPAYER MONEY? GODDAMIT!

awaketh

2010-04-05T15:05:00.000-07:00

I am devoid of ideas right now. I thought I would write about Lane coming to town and Monstro-style insanity ensuing but I got nothing, although I did get really high and felt a chord from my brain down my left leg.

I could try to preempt the Duke drivel that is surely going to foam out of Garrett after Duke crushes Butler into the spirit world tonight.

I could try to be optimistic about the A's season which starts tonight, but hmm, at this point we're not the Raiders which is about the best we have going for us.

I could post something foul or naked regarding me.

I think I'm going to make a personalized 2010 calendar.

Trying to get your ass beat this summer?

2010-04-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

Then just buy and wear this convenient brainchild of Jewish people who are trying to get all our collective asses kicked.

(click on the photo or here for a more up-close look at this apocalypse)

Why Guatemala is good for my ego

2010-04-02T10:53:00.000-07:00

I'm a pretty short guy, 5'6" or 5'7", here is me with some slightly tall people, both coincidentally Monstro Bloggers, (Garrett is also tall as shit - see John Candy).

I look like a fucking midget.

BUT, here is me in Guatemala!

I look like I'm the center on their national basketball team!

Thank you Guatemala for making me feel like the big guy everyone tells me I am on the inside, on the outside!

Garrett is really asking for it

2010-03-31T15:26:00.000-07:00

As I've proved before I'm far too petty and competitive to let people try to punk me online.

Now I return from leading some alternative spring breaks in Guatemala prepared to write about how I'm so different, and like, totally changed man, and like, none of you, get it, you just don't,

but then I see Garrett putting slanderous filth like this online and gloating about my disappearance so I will straight revert to a caged lunatic.

If you think I look like a slightly more attractive college dude then I think you look like a certain Canadian comedian who might have had some problems with meat, whiskey and other vices telling him why they were better (than vegetables).

Really, it's uncanny. Motherfucker.

Final Four Baby!

2010-03-29T17:43:00.001-07:00

So now that Mandel's headed back to civilization I'm sure he'll have some epic post about the amazingness of the rain forest and all that shit, but in the meantime...

LET'S GO DUKE!!! (STOMP) LET'S GO DUKE!!! (STOMP) LET'S GO DUKE!!!

Look, I know everyone loves to say Duke is full of douchebags or totally sucks or whatever, but they're playing some really good technical basketball right now. Really good. If they get past West Virginia - and I think they will - they're going to win the title this year. Ever since Kansas got knocked out I've been saying that Kentucky is the only team that can beat these guys, and with the Wildcats 9 lives short of being in the tournament I stand by it. Smart basketball people agree with me.

So root for the Blue Devils or a Cameron Crazy will taunt you in your sleep.

Oh, that's why I feel better

2010-03-28T09:57:00.000-07:00

As busy as I've been - having 2 days off in 7 weeks is pretty busy - I've just flat out felt better the past few months. I couldn't put my finger on it until earlier today: the world is a better place with Lou Dobbs banished to obscurity.

Dobbs left CNN in mid-November, and for a couple weeks he was blabbing on a bunch of right-wing TV networks and radio stations. So he wasn't really gone. Even when he started backing off that wagon, pundits and the political media class were talking about Dobbs running for President in the near future - or worse, something like Senator or Governor which he might actually have a chance at winning.

Nope. None of that. Dobbs has just disappeared. Haven't heard so much as his name pass anybody's lips for months now. Ahhh, deep breath....the air is so clear....

And that's why the sun is shining just a little brighter than it was this time last year. Turns out even God hated Lou Dobbs having a public speaking platform.

They say if you live long enough you'll see everything. Well, I never thought I'd ever say the words "thank you" to Lou Dobbs, but here goes:

Thank you Lou Dobbs. Thank you for doing your best Jimmy Hoffa impression.

Random thought of the day

2010-03-21T08:37:00.000-07:00

In a game of chicken, who's the better bet: a really brave guy? Or a really good procrastinator?

I'm not sure either. I'll get back to you tomorrow.

Also, somebody take a picture: Mandel only has one post on the front page. My quest for world domination is finally underway...

Attention Tree Huggers: this is why nobody takes you serioulsy

2010-03-20T16:32:00.000-07:00

I know I sometimes come off as a gun-toting conservative neanderthal, but I'm actually pretty "green" for all my Club For Growth credentials. See, I lived in Beijing for six months last year, and I tremble in fear at the thought of America turning into the environmental apocalypse that is China.

I'm not saying I compost shit, just that I'm pretty careful about turning lights off, willing to walk an extra 50 steps to put a bottle in the recycling bin rather than the garbage can, bring reusable bags to the grocery store more often than not, and am genuinely interested in alternative energy sources.

But as someone closer to middle America than most self-described greenies, I have the benefit of better perspective of the environmental movement than many. And let me tell you: there are a lot of reasons nobody in the middle takes the granola crowd seriously.

Here's just one little example that always stands out to me. Besides RealClearPolitics, the blog I check most every day for news is Huffington Post (again, I'm clearly no crazy, Glenn-Beck-worshipping right winger here). And like any good bastion of liberalism, HuffPost has an entire "Green" section of its website.

And here's where it gets ridiculous. Take a look at some of the headlines from the "Green" section:

"13 Cutest Animals Falling Asleep (VIDEO)"
"PHOTOS: Children Playing in Spring Gardens"
"PHOTOS: The Wild World of Dumpster Diving"
"Salamander Facing Extinction Due to E-Commerce!?!"
"YES! NYC Lifts Ban on Beekeeping"
"6 Green Ways to Celebrate DC's Cherry Blossom Festival"
"WATCH: Gorilla Charges National Geographic Crew"

And that's just one random day - often there are MUCH worse ones. Though cute animals falling asleep sure is worthless in a section of HuffPost that's supposed to be about how humans are precipitating the worst climatic disaster on the planet's species since a fucking asteroid killed the dinosaurs. But yeah, baby animals sure are cute when they fall asleep!

I found Mandel's long lost older brother!

2010-03-19T14:43:00.000-07:00

Took me several years of searching, but I finally found him:

Turns out he's 22 years older and a tad more attractive. He went to William and Mary College and is now the successful host of some cable TV show that's on daily - "The Everyday Show," or some nonsense like that. You can sure see the relation though:

Well, you can see the relation.

You're welcome Mandel.

Found Porn

2010-03-19T03:00:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite guilty pleasures in life are "found porn" pictures. These are seemingly innocuous images of random, everyday things that, when looked at the right way, are hilariously and/or disturbingly sexual. For reference, here's an all-time favorite:

I admit I don't spot these myself too often, which is why the internet is the best thing ever. How else would I indulge the immature 13 year-old still trapped in my brain?

But the beauty of "found porn" is that it appears in places that aren't trying to be sexual. You have to work at finding it, to earn it, and that's why its awesome. Which is why I just can't have any fun looking for it in music videos these days.

Take a look at this video for Lady Gaga's "Love Game." The whole damn thing looks like its either three more seconds or half a bottle of Jack away from turning into an all-out gang bang. And if you're a fan of "found porn," it's just goddamned lazy.

My own Oscars rant + more

2010-03-12T14:00:00.000-08:00

Garrett dumped a nice little Oscar rant down on the blog a few days ago and made some decent points.

I would like to make some better ones.

Garrett thought Up in the Air should have beaten out Hurt Locker. I agree that Hurt Locker should not have won best picture, but I think Avatar should have. Up in the Air is relevant to a bad economy, sure, but it's not a best picture. It's a good movie, very crisp West Wing type dialogue, but a best picture is often an epic, sweeping achievement in cinema. George Clooney looking suave and in charge probably stopped being an achievement after he got out of middle school.

Hurt Locker is also good, I left the theater feeling like my soul had been stolen for the duration of the movie, peed and pooped on and then unceremoniously boiled in stanky cheese and lentils. It was powerful, it was awesomely ambiguous on pro or anti war, but it wasn't great. It didn't do anything grand, it was good minutiae.

Avatar though, holy god, the thing was spectacular, the visuals, the language, even the cliched but effective story had some levels to it. It was exactly what a best picture of the year should be. No one is going to give a flying fuck about Hurt Locker next year, hell maybe even after the next Iraq movie (Green Zone, coming out right now) but Avatar will be shown, watched and talked about for a long time. I felt similarly in 2006 when Brokeback lost to Crash, but I may have been wrong.

Anyways, the main thing about watching the Oscars for me was anger.

It makes me angry that anyone, let alone the Academy of Motion Pictures would recognize Sandra Bullock for her acting "talent". Especially in a preachy proselytizing semi racist "sports" movie, give me a break and yes, I would do Meryl Streep even at 60.

This entire "Kanye" moment made me angry, although it was also hilarious since I'm removed from the palpable emotions that the slighted director was surely feeling.

The pre-show interviews made me angry. The interviewers could not have been worse or less funny with their job. They cut people off, tried to buddy up to stars who wanted to leave and finally got gloriously punk'd by Steve Carrell and Tina Fey who just don't give a fuck.

----------

On some other notes, Karl Rove: What a guy!!!!

I am leaving for Guatemala until the end of the month so I am hoping Drew and other bloggers will emerge from hibernation to keep ze blog humming.

Bet on the lion

2010-03-08T19:19:00.001-08:00

If the curious winds of fate ever take you to a situation where virtually any number of unarmed people are preparing to square off against a lion in mortal combat, remember this advice: always bet on the lion.

Requisite Oscar Rant

2010-03-08T17:12:00.000-08:00

The Academy Awards were on last night. It was the first time I hadn't watched them in over a dozen years - pretty much since I knew what they even were. Hell, I watched them in China last spring by waking up early and going to a bar. Bars in China don't close and have international cable.

You see I love movies, so being informed about the better offerings and rooting for my fave is always a good sport. It's been a month since the Superbowl, so by this time of the year I'm getting particularly desperate for some form of epic competition.

But I didn't watch them this year because I wanted to go camping and it was just too damn nice outside. And because I knew what the awards would be. That's a problem.

Part of the fun of the Oscars are the upsets, and this year it was pretty clear there weren't going to be any. The only remotely competitive major category (Supporting Actress - Mo' "I'm fucking insane" Nique) still went to the slight favorite.

The 10-film Best Picture category was also utterly ridiculous. There are some years where there are more than five Nominee-caliber films. But this year there were only three, so even nominating five would've been a little pointless and redundant. Anyone can easily pick out the five films that were thrown in to artificially swell the ranks.

All that said, I still reserve the right to bitch about the results I just read about (and saw coming anyway).

The Hurt Locker is probably the best film of this group from a technical/artistic/everything-else angle. But it's not the best film of the year. The best film of 2009 is Up in the Air.

Up in the Air encapsulated the year that was 2009 into a film. It breathed it, it oozed it. Everything that this very special, important, and yet downright painful year to be an American was, Up in the Air expressed it.

The Hurt Locker was excellent, but it's four years too late. It's not what 2009 was all about. It's an artistic documentary of the Iraq War. The whole damn war didn't project any meaning onto 2009. The problem is that Iraq isn't just over, it's also meaningless. It's unimportant. A tragedy, to be sure, but not one that impacts the collective American psyche anymore. Something that took place in the past, but doesn't affect us today. Let's just say it's not Vietnam.

Up in the Air was not as much of a cinematic achievement as The Hurt Locker. Certainly not as much as Avatar (good thing that's not what they give the award for!). But Up in the Air was the best, most important, and definitive film of 2009. Too bad a woman didn't direct it, or it might have won.

The trouble with Terraforming

2010-03-02T15:33:00.000-08:00

someone in all their scientific glory is going to forget to put in toilets and people are gonna be walking around shit-assed on Mars.

see, this is what i was talking about, but better said

2010-03-01T10:15:00.000-08:00

The other day I was blogging about the olympics and went off on figure skating and ice dancing, how they were not really sports in my opinion. Well it turns out that actually acclaimed sportswriter Dan Wetzel pretty much shares my exact opinion. It's okay Dan, imitation is the highest form of flattery, I'm not offended, I'm honored.

The face of hell

2010-02-28T08:29:00.000-08:00

People often talk about wicked hangovers, well yesterday I had one (thanks to three fellow monstronauts, a poker game and a dive bar in the city). Luckily I had my camera with me so a picture could be snapped just after I watered down a local sidewalk. These things are real people, look into its eyes.

Awesome news of the day

2010-02-24T11:14:00.001-08:00

I just realized the for the last few months the acting president of Nigeria has been a guy named Goodluck Jonathan!

Censorship has a price- my fury and wrath!

2010-02-22T17:53:00.000-08:00

My buddy Dru Johnston has got a publicity stunt going where he makes a new blog, every day, for a year and recently he asked me to take a turn at guest-blogging so he could rest his tired bones (blogging is hard work people!) Despite my supreme and unfaltering loyalty to this miracle blog I took some to dump some serious knowledge (link to the blog is in that link) and part one entry featured a photo a guy from my camp who paid to shit in my toilet and shit out a log that when you zoom in on the photo it looks like a dragon! That is one in a million in so many ways! Anyways, Dru said I could write whatever I wanted for my guest blog but then he fucking censored my fucking dragon poop photo! If that isn't the biggest pile of horseshit since the dragonshit then I don't even know what to say. What a fuckin soft sacked piece of wuss ass. His only reason was his "readers" couldn't handle it. As someone who has been blogging diligently for 5 years I can say that "readers" don't so much "exist". Then he said he wanted to turn his year of blogging into a coffee table book and this wouldn't fly. I actually can't think of anything related to coffee without instantly also thinking of the shitting it immediately induces. Also, I was on TheatreSports at Whitman with Dru and I can tell you this bullshit hypocrisy runs deep because was the ONLY PERSON to make MORE POOP JOKES THAN ME was Dru! In honor of my remaining manhood and Dru's total and utter emasculation I will publish the forbidden photo here, on a blog among blogs, a beacon of hope for free expression and free speech in a world of increasing darkness. Monstro Blog I will never leave you again.

edit: I just realized if you click on the photo you can see the dragon in much fuller detail, eyes, tuft, tail and all!

You Embarrass Your Ancestors

2010-02-18T20:53:00.000-08:00

So, every now and then I think about how disappointed my ancient forebears must be in me. I mean, the other day I couldn't find the remote after I had sat down on the couch - and I was actually upset. Shit, my great-great-great-great-great-(27 more 'great's)-grandparents had to hunt down wooly mammoths with sticks and rocks all while defending their tribe from sabertooth tigers.

But, sometimes I don't feel so bad. You see, in Man's march to the top of the food/PlayStation/everything chain, we brought along a few other wild animals with us. And if you think we've become worthless, get a load of what we've done to these poor, pathetic creatures:

YOU CAME FROM THIS FOR GODSAKES!!!

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!?!?!?!?

Guitar Kitteh @ Yahoo! Video

Pathetic cats, just pathetic. Now I see where the dismissive call-out "pussy" comes from.

On another note, I'm changing a tire on a NASCAR racer tomorrow with an impact wrench. I can't wait. Wish me luck and mullet-power.

Olympic Observations

2010-02-18T11:17:00.000-08:00

It's Winter Olympics time and let me just say, "I love the Olympics." There, I said it.

I'm sure many of my cynical contemporaries think it's cool to hate on the Olympics, well, it's not. The Olympics stand for many great things, even if in the end sports often bring out bad sides of people and don't hold a candle to more pressing issues.

I also realized a hierarchy in my interest of olympic sports. The ones I prefer the most are the races that have multiple people in them. Short track speedskating, snowboard cross, nordic skiiing (that was an epic race!) ones like those where there is true in the moment competition happening. That to me is what sports are all about. Next are the events where it is person vs. clock. It's not quite as cool but there is something awesome about the singular moment of a man racing against a clock. Last is the events where it is all up to judges, the inherently subjective nature just rubs me the wrong way, also it's pretty common that things that seem awesome to me are not impressive to judges and things that look bad or dumb to me are rewarded so for me there's a real disconnect there.

Also, figure skating, what the fuck! I guess as a kid I just drank the kool-aid that figure skating was cool but now it barely registers as a sport. Anything with that much focus on costumes and music is not my fucking cup of tea. I acknowledge I'd quickly be in an ER if I tried some of their moves but I can't get over the silky sequins and dramatic Requiem for a Dream music dominating the event, which on top of all that, is judge-based.

On a related and hilariously awesome note, my friend Nora started this blog which celebrates the glory of spandex and appearance in the Olympics, things that I could give two shits about, further proof that we're all beautifully different snowflakes fluttering around on this diverse earth-sphere.

The anticipation killed me

2010-02-12T13:21:00.001-08:00

I recently watched this video of a woman cuddling with a so-called elephant seal. I have to say I was disappointed, I found it very cute and also a little disturbing. I say this because when I see a video like this I fully expect the dipshit to get mauled and eaten kind of like chimp woman but here, alas, nothing happens.

Normally I would want those 5-6 minutes of my life back, but something magical did happen here.

A while ago, on this blog I believe, although I can't find the link anymore, I proposed an idea for a TV show that would show different animals pooping, and at the 1:12 mark in this video, dump goes the penguin!

Insecure about something there?

2010-02-11T13:43:00.000-08:00

As I left the subway this morning there was someone handing out free samples of Nestle instant coffees. Without thinking (or even being a coffee drinker) I grabbed a pack and brought them to my office. I unwrapped them to find such blends as "Hazelnut Gourmet" "Decaf Gourmet" "Colombian Gourmet" and so on. The last one I opened was "Gourmet Roast Gourmet" and it made me think, how many times do you really need to call something gourmet to convince people it is really, truly a "gourmet" product. Gourmet, also, apparently is the most incorrectly used word ever!

What running a half marathon with an injured foot and poor training looks like

2010-02-09T22:53:00.000-08:00

You wake up at 5 in the morning, eat some food and take a picture of yourself.

You get photographed by a website called sweatysmile.com at mile 9.

You chafe your nipple to a hellish pulp and you say what up to Charon.

Then you are done

Then you go to a super bowl party and get real relaxed

Anyone else with me?

2010-02-08T14:30:00.000-08:00

The super bowl ads sucked this year. Sucked ass. Real rotten smelly ass. The only one that made me laugh at all was the Volkswagen commercial at the end with Tracy Morgan and Stevie Wonder. The Google ad was cool until it went way too far and made me think the next search might be "how to kill yourself when joy in life is gone"

Glory

2010-02-05T11:45:00.001-08:00

I think the jury is still out on a lot of things (for example, is this guy dead or sleeping?) and one thing that is still vexing me is whether or not we are really rational creatures.

I'll get personal here. I've been training since December for a half marathon that is happening this coming Sunday. Last Sunday, a mere week before the race I was on my last long training run, going about 10.5 miles. Through the sheer force of Mandel-ian bad luck I hurt my foot on that run and have since been hobbling around but did not break my foot. Therefore I am hoping to still complete the half marathon on Sunday.

I have been getting an unbelievable amount of shit from my largely over-protective, unadventurous, motherly co-workers (not to stereotype or judge) about how dumb it is to run, how I'll hurt myself worse, blah blah blah.

While I admit they might have some points and being totally reckless is not cool, I think there is something to be said for pushing through adversity to achieve something that doesn't necessarily seem possible. This is no doubt not totally rational, if my foot is sprained, strained, whatever then it is probably best to rest it, but rational wouldn't get us anywhere. Maybe I shouldn't breathe because it could strain my lungs, maybe I shouldn't pick up any objects because of the negative effect it will have on my back. Maybe I shouldn't eat because pretty all food makes you fat and causes cancer these days, (except food from here, amazing place), point is, the default towards caution pisses me off. I've been growing my hair and beard for months, running occasionally, I'm going to do this and if I'm sore and limp around for a few weeks afterward then so what, I'm (sadly) not a hunter-gatherer needing to use my body everyday for survival.

Finally, confirmation!

2010-02-04T13:36:00.001-08:00

I believe our efforts to get female readers to this blog perennially stall. Why this is remains an answer beyond me in the murky ether. Perhaps they are intimidated by our good looks or possibly our uncanny intellect and wit. However, I want to ask our female fans to return to us, topless. This might seem like the request of a fuckhead but really it is a just a plea for help. Finally, what I have known for years has been BACKED UP BY SCIENCE so please, help the men of the monstro blog lead long, healthy and happy lives.

Things that had to be done

2010-02-03T13:56:00.000-08:00

I am posting. I do this often but this time it is solely to move Garrett's post further down the window so I don't have to look at it anymore. Just the sheer amount of words hurt my brain, all of our brains, our collective brain. The universe of academia is like the guy who works at home all day in his sweat pants (me today) just furiously beating off over and over (uhhh) again. The self pleasure is only matched by the potent solitude of the discoveries. Hours are slaved over papers and projects that will see at most 5 sets of eyes and yet education is the best hope for the world? Am I missing something here? I have seen some scary roosters, big red gobbles and claws going out of the back of the leg, there for no other purpose than to destroy things and I have stared them in the eye, both of us blinking at each other and felt nothing but as Werner Herzog would say, "the cold indifference of nature" what is it to me? Something. :Mission Accomplished, double O Seven O Canada Winter Olympics Michael Phelps Bong Rips Legalize it Peter Tosh

Cap and Trade: the advantages of a market-based regulatory structure given that CO2 is an externality with a steep marginal social benefits curve

2010-02-02T21:22:00.000-08:00

Hahahahahahaha, gotcha! :)

Don't worry, I'm not going to write a damn word about that crap. I just wanted to share with y'all the title of my "CO2 tax vs. cap and trade" policy memo due this Thursday.

Kill me.

Game Theory: Proof That Football, Baseball, and Hockey Are All Better Than Basketball

2010-01-30T08:18:00.000-08:00

I get a lot of crap out here at Duke because I love football and I'm going to a basketball school. Hoops rule around here and pigskin is an afterthought. But recently my dislike of basketball has been vindicated, and by the most unlikely of heroes. Turns out you can explain why football is the better sport in mathematical terms using a little discipline called Game Theory.

Game theory is a mathematical study of strategic decision-making based on limited information. I'm no good - no good at all, frankly - at higher-level mathematics, but Jesus Christ game theory is awesome.

One of the tenants of game theory is that you become more interested in something if that thing has a higher chance of being the determining factor in a contest. We see this in voting rhetoric and behavior:

In national elections, many people believe (statistically correctly, by the way) that their vote for President doesn't matter, as it's one of a hundred million or more. What they mean when they say "matter" is that their vote has a chance to be the deciding vote; i.e., after 100+ million votes have been cast for John Q Democrat and Percy H Republican there will be a dead even split, and their vote will decide the election. That's a 1 in 100 million chance, so its not likely that your vote will be the deciding factor.

Now take a committee vote. Let's assume there are 5 committee members. Now your vote has a 20% chance of being the deciding vote; i.e., your vote "matters."

I am convinced this also plays out in sports, and it's why I can say quantitatively what I have believed for years: compared to football, baseball, and hockey, basketball sucks.

Game theory would say that basketball is not as cool a sport because its scoring system is too diluted. In a typical game somewhere near 200 points will be scored. That means that one basket, one drive, one all-out-for-the-win score has only a 1% chance of making the difference in the game. It makes the scoring unimportant: any particular hoop likely won't decide the game. It also makes it seem random: any measly score that is only worth 1% of the game's total output can decide a win or a loss. Flipping coins is more interesting if you ask me.

Football, baseball and hockey are awesome precisely because scoring is more rare, and therefore more important: each score "matters."

Baseball and hockey games average combined scores of around 8, meaning each point matters a lot: it represents about 13% of the total score and has about a 1 in 8 chance of deciding the game. Scores are important, and a game decided by one score doesn't seem like a meaningless difference. After all, the winning team put up 13% more on the board.

Football is the best. Similar to baseball and hockey, most games have around 10 scores (TDs and FGs combined) between the two teams. Unlike baseball and hockey, however, those scores can have significantly different values: a TD and the PAT are worth more than twice what a FG is worth. Assigning multiple points to each score and then having an over 100% differentiation between different types of scores (as opposed to basketball's 2 vs. 3 point shots, where 3's are vastly rarer and make for a mere 50% difference) allows for higher point totals where games can still be decided by one point, but not at the insane highs of basketball scores. This allows for an added layer of strategy to be injected into the game, while still making each score have about 10% chance of being the deciding factor. This makes a 1 point difference in football still important, rather than making a 1 point win seem random and meaningless like in basketball.

So there you have it. It's a mathematical fact that football is awesome and basketball sucks. Don't agree? Take it up with game theory.

Favre

2010-01-26T23:06:00.000-08:00

There have been two other posts on this great blog about Brett Favre, one by me from earlier this football season here and an ironic one from Drew a long time ago here.

Sunday night was, simply put, an amazing football game. New Orleans and Minnesota fought it out schoolyard style with 4 tie scores throughout the game, there was sloppy play sure, but it was a helluva game. New Orleans didn't look particularly good but they made plays when it mattered, forcing a shitload of turnovers.

Favre took a pounding as well, I'm guessing he broke his ankle and just decided to chew on some gravel and not tell anyone and ended up costing his team a shot at the win. This, if it is the end of his career, is oddly fitting. You live by the Favre and die by the Favre.

We learned early in our core classes at Whitman about the "hero" as personified by Odysseus, a man full of much ability but with some fatal flaws, hubris, etc. For me, Favre is the ultimate hero, glorious, yet flawed and it was all on display last Sunday as the old dog rallied his young butter-handed team while they were cornered but just as the golden prize loomed on the horizon his old treacherous maidens lured him down the whirlpool for one more dance with the devil.

here or villain article here